Please help! I would like to gauge people’s opinions as to whether it sounds like my W is going through a MLC. I have posted a couple of times on the Newcomers and Walk Away Spouse threads and it has been suggested that I post on this thread as well to engage with people who may understand what is happening.
I am 39 years I have been with my wife who is 33 years old for 11 years; we have been married for seven years and have a daughter who is nine.
It all started towards the end of October when my wife suddenly announced that she was not sure if she loved me, we lived as normally as is possible for the next 3 or 4 weeks when she then announced that she thought a short break would help, just a few days she said, and I moved into my parents for a week.
I returned home and she said that she was still unsure but said that we should carry on as best we could to see us all through Christmas and then we would try and sort things out in the New Year. When the New Year came she turned into a different person and defiantly announced that it was over and we should split, I asked "what about trying in the New Year" and she said she didn't want to.
It was decided (not by me I should add) that I should move back to my parents for a while to give her time and space to sort her head out and I reluctantly agreed. During my time at my parents she would contact me and tell me that nothing had changed and it was over. My wife’s insistence that our marriage was over and that she didn't want to try led me to move back home after 3 weeks as I thought what is the point in being away and making both me and my daughter unhappy if it’s not doing any good.
My wife has quoted her reasons why she feels this way, and although I can see some of what she’s getting at, her reasons don’t seem bad enough to destroy our marriage. My wife seems to be focusing on these bad points only and can see no good in our marriage at all or not an ounce of good in me. The things she has said are things that can change quite easily, but she won’t believe that change can happen and just says she can’t change who I am and is therefore unwilling to give it a go.
The one thing she keeps saying that I've picked up on lately is things like I'm only 33 and I haven't done this, I'm only 33 and I haven't done that, I'm only 33 blah blah blah. One of my mates W went through something very similar when she hit 30 and went off the rails a little with piercings, tattoos’, out clubbing and stuff and this is exactly the same way my W is going.
My W just seems like a runaway train at the moment, a bit of a loose cannon, and seems hell bent on hurtling towards a divorce as fast as she can. Her initial thoughts were for us to have a legal separation but she's changed her mind now because she says she can’t divorce me for another 2 years then. She also said that she would never force me to leave my own home because as it’s her decision to break up she should be the one to move out, she's looked around and found out that she can’t afford to do that and changed her mind on this one as well and is trying to get me kicked out! It all just seems to have happened so fast! We went on holiday to Spain at the end of September and things before and during seemed like wedded bliss but then just a few weeks after getting back all this kicked off and now just a few months later she's ready for divorce.
She truly believes that she is doing the best thing for her and our daughter but can’t see the affect it’s having on our daughter.
My wife is definitely not my wife at the moment and has become a different person, not a very nice person I add, but because I love her so much I can see through this and want to stick it out until she returns.
She has said so many hurtful and painful things recently but they are like water off a ducks back to me and they don’t have the affect she desires. Over the last week she has become violent and attacked me several times, but again this is not her as nothing like this has ever happened in the last 11 years.
First off standard greeting, "Sorry you are here."
Now that, that is out of the way.
Well sadly she is right about not believing instant changes. They tend not to last.
Since you mentioned it, what does she want you to change? Is she right?
If this is MLC this is a long haul nerf. It's not the weak or faint of heart, but you're a Brit so you got the quiet suffer with dignity thing going for you already. (It's a joke).
She is violent? Anything you did that brought that crap about?
You want to know if it is MLC...That is always a hard question to answer. Read up on the resources somewhere near the top of this board. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it probably is a duck.
One thing forget the timeline when you do read the resources, ignore it, it is not a good thing to follow.
Divorce Busting is the book you want to read, BUT don't let her see you reading it.
No magic bullets or magic fixes here...it is all hard work, and it is all worth it.
Change yourself for yourself.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Now. DO NOT leave your house. If she wants out let her go. She need to do the work not you. Don't do it.
They do have a tendency to rerwite history and forget anything good about the R. It's up to you to read and learn and decide for yourself if it is a crisis.
It seems like I've seen one of your threads in walk away or somewhere. Still apply the same dbing principles. With mlc sometimes you will receive a lot of unprovoked anger. It is very important not to get sucked in to an argument. It only feeds the beast.
This takes a ton of patience and time, if you decide you are going to stand, there are no gaurantees. It's an all or nothing deal. It will test you in ways like never before. In order to come out on the positive side of this and that doesn't mean saving your m, it means saving you, you HAVE to change for the better.
You are in control of you and that is all. So change you and do it permanently. Are any of her complaints legit?(nobodys perfect) Change for the better. Again this takes time. No R talks, avoid the D talks do not get sucked in. You have to really start moving forward with your life and let her spin on her own.
One of the most difficult tasks at first is being kind and patient without becoming a doormat. Ask questions, read , jump on other peoples threads, and keep your focus on you. Spend time and take care of your daughter, she needs you.
Nerfus, As Jack and trapt said, I'm sorry you are here. You are in good hands here. Listen to the advice they give you. I tried to help things along in my sitch, bad moves for me as nothing I did worked out... Vent here, Good Luck...
Nerf, Sorry Bro but this is a good place to be. As Trapt said DONT MOVE OUT. Stay in the marital bed.It's her decision, she needs to go with those consequences. You need to be there for your Daughter (or D9 as they say here in DB speak) You have to be her rock. Don't beg,cry, etc to the wife. Its only going to push her farther away. Keep your chin up be as happy and as confident as you can around her and you D9. When you have moments alone then you can scream,cry, punch pillows and come here to vent. A Lot of good people have responded in your thread so far. More will. Glean all the info you can Bro. It helps Your going to hear this a lot.. GAL. Get a Life. Don't mope around the house,join a gym,get a hobby, play with your daughter etc. Last and most important Pray if you believe.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
I’m sorry I’ve not posted back before now but my internets been out of action for a while and only just got back up and running!
Jack_Three_Beans you ask what it is my wife wants me to change. She says that nothing can change as I am who I am and that she can’t that – I’ve explained to her time and time again that she can’t change me but I can but she’s just unwilling to listen. The main reasons behind her decision have only really come out in the last week or so and she says that she feels as though I have rejected her – she says that I have always shown more affection to our daughter than I have to her and that I have pushed her out and stolen her daughter from her.
I will admit that my W and I have never had the most touch feely kind of relationship but she can’t seem to remember the times when we used to cuddle up together and watch a movie or sit down together and play a game or just chat. In my defence I will say that I have always told my W that I love her and have shown my affection in other ways by surprising her with gifts and pretty much treating her to whatever she wanted. All she had to do was ask and I would go without things myself just so that I could get her what she wanted. I have always helped out around the house pretty much doing anything and everything to give her a break and allow her to spend her time as she wants but this has been thrown back in my face now by her saying that me doing stuff just makes her feel inadequate!
With regards to her other point about pushing her out and stealing her daughter from her I will say that me and my daughter do have a very strong bond and spend a lot of time together playing games and just generally having fun with one another, however, we have always tried to include my W in what we do and have always asked her to join us in whatever we are doing but my W has always said no she was too busy and didn’t have time or just didn’t fancy it. Me and my daughter would carry on but would always ask my W the next time around and would just receive a similar response. I have told my W that we never pushed her out and that it was always her decision to not join in but again she just can’t see it.
On the violence front not sure what I can say really, yeah sometimes its been whilst we’ve been discussing what’s happening with her saying the marriage is over and me trying to save it, but at other times its as if she’s hit me just for the hell of it when I’m just trying to get on with things and act as normal as I can which she doesn’t like. I have never raised a finger to her in the past and I’m not gonna start now, not even in self defence.
I can see what she’s saying and yeah I’ll admit that I could have shown more affection by way of hugs and cuddles and stuff but I’ve gone out of my way and bent over backwards to show my love for her in other ways.
Right the last 2 weeks…
Bit of a mixed bag really, we’ve had what I’ve taken as really good days when we’ve got on with no relationship talk at all and we’ve had some really crap days when all hell breaks loose.
After my last post around two weeks ago we had about 5 or 6 good days on the trot where things just seemed to get better day by day, then for whatever reason my W “changes”, knows what buttons to press, and sets me off on one. I’m learning not to react but she just goes on and on and on and eventually she’ll say something which just provokes a reaction.
A couple of the arguments over recent days have been over 2 really trivial things in my book but she’s just lost it; the first was because I’d started making my daughters sandwiches for school AFTER my W had moaned at me a few days earlier saying that I didn’t help her out in the mornings before work and school; the second was because I had ironed a blouse for my daughter to wear to school the following day – my wife was out one night and I realised that our daughter didn’t have a clean blouse to wear so decided to wash and iron one. Both of these things were done to help my W out and save her an extra job on a morning but both were thrown back in my face saying that I made her feel inadequate and was trying to prove that I didn’t need her!
Over the last 2 weeks she’s also told me on 2 separate occasions that she would be prepared to give it a go and see what we can do only for her to change her mind a day and even hours later! Last Tuesday night she told me that we would try to work things out but when she woke up Wednesday she had changed her mind. This morning before work she again said that she was prepared to give it real effort for a month and see what happened but when she got home tonight she had changed her mind again and started on me – we hadn’t even spoke in between as we were both at work so it’s not as if it’s something I’d done!
It’s getting late now anyway so better get to bed. She’s off out with friends tomorrow so once I’ve got our daughter to bed I’ll probably be on again with another rant!
