Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

Saw W at family lunch at DD School today. Still hostile. Mostly cordial but the when we actually discuss something she gets hostile.

Today it was what time she will drop the girls off on Mothers day. I sent her an e-mail that I might have to work in the morning and what time had she planned to drop them off. Could she be flexible or did she have something else she was doing. She hadn't responded so when I saw her I asked her about it. She reminded me that I was supposed to get back to her about a brunch I might take the girls to and what time and I hadn't yet. We went around with me asking if it was OK and could she be flexible and her saying I was supposed to get back at her. I finally said. So Yes or No can you be flexible or do you have plans. She said very exacerbated "YES". I guess she expected me to assume that from what she was saying but I don't want to assume because that will also get me in trouble. I think that is one of our communication issues. She doesn't give a definitive answer yes or no to things and expects me to figure it out from other things she says. I think at the councilor I will raise it as something we could work on.

This is how I want to say it.

I want to ask if when we discuss schedules and such that you could say a difinitive yes or no. I didn't hear that in our discussion Friday and I don't want to make assumptions about what you mean.

How does that sound? I know that I can't control wether she gets defensive but I can at least try to not make it sound like she did something wrong.

[hopefulinEG]

I am thinking maybe I won't bring it up in counceling after all. I will just try to listen in conversations and at the end repeat back my understanding to make sure I haven't assumed anything incorrectly. So in the previous example I could have said I did not get back to you about the time and I understand that must be frustrating for me to ask you about it again. So my understanding is that you are OK with keeping them later and being flexible on the time.

I also thought about asking her about her being hostile towards me lately but think that is also not a good idea. Even if I say it is an observation and not a judgement she will get very defensive about it. I just need to let is slide off my back. I do want to state at the beginning of the next counceling session that I want to give W the opportunity to discuss things that are on her mind and what has bothered her and let the C try to draw her out. She has hardly talked unless it was when she was very defensive. It would be interesting to see what she says. It will still be distorted by her current fog but I will get a peak into what she thinks are the problems.

Going out with some new friends again tonight. I am finding more and more things to do. Mostly every night I don't have the kids I have something I can do to have fun. I am actually wishing the W had the kids more nights. lol

[hopefulinEG]

Saturday night was fun. I am become friends with one Woman I met there and I think she will be a great person to go do things with. We might go to Ballroom/Latin dance lessons this Wednesday and we're going to a murder mystery brunch on Sunday. I hated the thought of going alone and it would be great to have someone to go with.

Sunday however was awful. It was Mothers day and our Anniversary. 12 years. Luckily I didn't remember the anniversary part while W was there dropping off the kids. She stayed for about 30 minutes opening presents and watching a part of survivor she missed. If I had remembered I'm sure I wouldn't have been as upbeat and happy and would have made things akward feeling. So it was a pretty positive encounter. The bad part was later when I remember that it was our anniversary. I was pretty weepy for practically the whole day. I had to try really hard to not let the kids see and was very lathargic. Had to go to my parents for dinner and all I wanted to do was go home take a hot bath and go to bed.

Monday was like Sunday. I had the day off and did a lot of crying. I am definitely in one of my downward cycles.

On a positive note. All my interactions with W have been positive and I've been upbeat.

Today I had to go for a drive because I was having a hard time not crying. It was thinking about W and OW and whether she loves her and if we reconciled could I trust that she didn't still love her and only came back because OW broke it off. And around and around like that. The Anniversary really threw me for a loop. She was my rock and the person I trusted most on this earth. It was and still is unimaginable that she could do all this.

[hopefulinEG]

On a totally different subject. This morning I was thinking that I needed to start looking into getting a new job. I really feel trapped in my current job because I have worked my way up to a salary that I couldn't get at another company because I don't have a degree.

Well this afternoon I ran into a former co-worker who told me about a job opening at her new company that would be perfect for me and would pay a good salary. When I researched the company they seem pretty stable and have had great growth over the last 10 years. The industry I'm in hasn't been affected much by the recession.

So I am going to go have lunch with my friend and learn more about it. The job description does say degree but I have 10 years of industry experience which is usually considered equivelant. So keep your fingers crossed. It could even be a pay increase. And they have profit sharing which my current company doesn't.

[hopeful_cb]

It sounds like you did your best getting through a tough day there. At least you were upbeat while W was there that is a positive.

I know what you mean about the downward cycles, sometimes its hard to find your way back up.

It also sounds like you are getting more GAL things planned in and its good you are becoming friends with new people. I find this hard to do myself and am probably out of practice. That murder mystery brunch sounds great, I would love to try something like that!

good news on the tip about the job opening. Its always good to get the information, look at new possibilities and look at making a move that would make you feel good about yourself.

Hang in there!

[hopefulinEG]

Well I talked about it before and I think I really am going to give up. If she ever came to me I would talk but no guarantee at this point I would want to reconcile. Because I do believe in marriage and for the kids I would never dismiss it off hand but I feel like I have been betrayed to much to trust her again.

I got new information from her last night that confirmed the worst and she does not deserve me. I am going to keep on doing what I learned in DB about GAling and taking care of myself and detaching and having a ducks back but I am going to stop trying and stop hoping. I feel like I have just been continuing to rip the scab off my wound and I need to let it heal.

I will keep checking in hear because I want to follow others stories but I won't be keeping up this thread anymore.

Good luck everyone. I know there are successes out there.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What did you learn last nite?

Puppy

[hopefulinEG]

I learned that the PA was longer than I thought and the extent to which she has lied over and over. At this time I am so disgusted with her and it pretty much just killed off all the feeling I had for her. When I think about her and what she has done I think she is not someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I have really been more afraid of being alone than anything.

I am and always will be an optomist and I believe in till death do us part so I would always be willing to try if she REALLY wanted to (and she would have to prove it was REALLY). I am willing to do the work it would take if I thought it was mutual.

I am finding a lot of peace now being on my own and making new friends and getting new hobbies and activies and I am sick of the pain. Maybe I am just doing the ultimate LRT. Where you really go on with life and stop worrying if they will ever turn around.

I put my book away on the shelf and I'm not going to keep trying to "win" her back. As far as I'm concerned she doesn't exist in my new life and is just a babysitter. I will treat her with the same respect I would anyone but I will not bend over backwards to her every whim or be a doormat to her rude and mean behavior.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am finding a lot of peace now being on my own and making new friends and getting new hobbies and activies and I am sick of the pain. Maybe I am just doing the ultimate LRT. Where you really go on with life and stop worrying if they will ever turn around.

I put my book away on the shelf and I'm not going to keep trying to "win" her back. As far as I'm concerned she doesn't exist in my new life and is just a babysitter. I will treat her with the same respect I would anyone but I will not bend over backwards to her every whim or be a doormat to her rude and mean behavior.

Sounds to me, EG, that like our friend Smiley this week, you're finally at the place you need to be.

THIS is the place we try to help people get to.

Puppy

[hopefulinEG]

Yes, Puppy I think that is true. It seems so counter-intuitive to be pretty much giving up to save your marriage but I guess that is the whole thing about DB is it is counter-intuitive.

I think I will go over and check out Smiley and see where he is at.

Thanks for all your help Puppy. You kicked me in the butt some times and helped me stand tall when I needed to.