Mulesqb - It's been a while

[mulesqb]

Hey guys! I hope all of you are well. It's been a while since I posted. Neil's post last week inspired me to catch up. Not sure where I left off so I'll just give a little update first.

I served my W in early January after sending her a proposal right before X-mas. The proposal was basically offering her all the cash I had to get her to leave and I would be residential parent and she would have liberal visitation but I would also be custodial parent. In mid January she sent it back and they basically took my name out and put hers in. When I confronted her about it she said that she was not making any financial offer to me and I had never given her one. I asked straight out if she was the one that wanted this so bad, then how come she never does anything to move it along. Her and her lawyer don't react to anything, they deny they get it, etc... I told her I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for her because she is keeping the boys and I in this house in this limbo stage and it is not fair. She claimed she was miserable. So I asked her to do something about it. They finally agreed to grounds last week and we have a court date in mid March.

The living sitch is horrendous. We are still under the same roof. She started a full time job in January and lied to me about the hours. The lie was basically to cover up the fact that 2 of my sons would be home alone for an hour and would be required to get themselves up and dressed and eat their own breakfast until a neighbor of ours picked them up and took them to school.

She works most Saturdays and on days she works she doesn't want to have responsibility for the boys. On those days she leaves at 7:30am and we don't hear from her until she gets home usually between 11pm and midnight, sometimes later. Her and I barely ever speak unless it is about schedules.

Her R with the boys is horrible. There are times she doesn't speak to S14 for days and even walks right by him. She seems disgusted by him. He loves her and wants her back, but he is struggling with it. He has had two blowouts with her in the last 3 weeks in which he told her he wants his old mom back. He was home for break last week. He was bored and looking for things to do. She was off on Wednesday and didn't tell anyone. He came into the kitchen and saw her and asked what she was doing home. She told him she was off but had things to do. He went upstairs to go to the bathroom and when he returned, she was gone. Car wasn't on the driveway, no sign of her, no goodbye. Nothing. He called her on her cell, she didn't pick up. She returned home three hours later and he asked her where she was and she told him it was none of his business and that she was shopping. Our neighbor returned home right behind her. Apparently he had Wednesday off as well.

That leads me to another reason why I stopped posting. My neighbor's W contacted me a few times back in January and basically told me that she thinks something is going on between our spouses. For whatever reason and despite all the time preparing myself for it, I was crushed. This is the deal breaker for me if true. I was too embarrassed to post here because so many of you had warned me about this. In the time since, she has kept in touch with me about his whereabouts. The bottomline is that she doesn't have any physical proof either. It's really just a hunch. I have had the same hunch as well. But there have been many times where they could have been together and I have proof that they weren't. So nothing has been solved there and I am trying to resign myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it anyway, so why worry about it.

After reading above you may find it hard to believe, but I have become very detached. I go out with friends, have been on dates (nothing really to them), spend an enormous time with the boys and have completely reconnected with my entire family. I do something withe the boys and my family every weekend. The boys and I are also able to do a lot of things we could never do before because she wouldn't like it. That has been very refreshing for me and added to the enjoyment that we have together. We just do things - no worries. I think that is the way it should be - but it never has.

I still have a lot more to post regarding her treatment of the kids. Yes there is more, some of it unbelievable. She is as self-centered as ever. She wants at least 50/50 custody, but anyone that sees what's going on knows that it is financially motivated. So I will keep fighting and taking the advice from my lawyer.

Our sitch is getting out in the community. I have been contacted by so many of my friends. It's been truly heartwarming. Anyone who sees us on the weekends and is involved with CYO sees that my W is rarely there (unless her divorced friend is there). They all have offered to help me get the boys to and from their games and practices. They see me running around on the weekend by myself trying to make it work. God bless all of them. Great people.

My two youngest sons have played 4 playoff games in the last week and half. She hasn't been to any. S10 won his playoff game on Saturday night. It was a great moment for him. When she came home at 11:30pm that night we were watching Freaks and Geeks in my room (we love that show and have the dvds). He said "hey mom, we won our playoff game tonight". She responded "good for you" and walked into the closet to get changed.

I'm trying hard not to judge her. Trying hard not to say something bad about her. It's not as easy as it used to. People get me going on it. "Mules, when was the last time your W came to a game?" "Mules, I saw your W hanging out with...., is everything ok?"

I'll post more about that stuff later. I'll admit that Strength and Honor is still very much my mantra, but is not always there. I feel like I have no expectations of her, but when I know she may well end up with 50% custody, I get angry. Quite honestly, she doesn't deserve it. Parenting is about quality time, and nurturing and sharing with your kids - not what you're SUPPOSED to do. Parenting is about being there for you kids - good times and bad - no matter what. Especially when it's bad, when they're hurting and screwing up. How do you handle them. It's not about being embarrassed because they don't live up to YOUR expectations.

I just wanted to mention all of my friends here that have meant so much to me during this time - Coach and Greek - you guys are so special! Neil - I'm upgrading my text plan bro!, Bworl who has unbelievable grasp and feel and is all about Strength and Honor, FIB - who consistently checks on me like a brother, Cookie - who has taught me to see things beyond my nose, Puppy - who has been spot on better than any counselor could from day one and stuck with me even when I wasn't listening, Phoenix - same as Puppy - your 2 x 4's helped, Tawyna - you're an unbelievable person, same with LHF. Arthur, Mountainman, Kerry, craig, KJ, SMW - you are all incredible. And I apologize if I left anyone out (this feels like an Oscar speech!).

Anyway - I'm good -I'm going to be allright no matter the outcome. I've changed over time for the better. I'm happy with myself. I've taken responsibility for my role. I'm saddened by her changes. I know this about her. I'm ready to close this chapter if I have to. The back door is so slightly ajar. But there is so much that would have to happen to swing it open. And I'm ok with that. I'm lucky, I have great friends and family, this didn't destroy me. It could have.

Strength and Honor.

[smith18]

Mules, your are going to be a winner no matter what happens. You have the right attitude and are a super dad.

What does your L say are your chances for primary custody?

[Tawnya]

{{{{{{{{{Mules}}}}}}}}} first of all..SO glad you updated and got it out there for everyone to check on you!!

You are putting up with SO much and coming out of this such on the other side an incredibly strong, caring person that it is just AWESOME to see..when you said it was hard to tell you had detached, I say.. NO not at all. The way you describe the sitch and her, you sound like a person who is moving THIS way while she is sitting way back there somewhere..

Also, I know it took a lot to get you to say that about your neighbor..but you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about in that in any way, shape or form..YOU are strength and honor personified!

I'm so glad you are getting out and doing things..you are always so upbeat and cheerful when we talk and thank YOU right back for being there for ME my friend

Your boys are so fortunate to have you be there for them!!

Keep us updated and can't wait to see how the next chapter of your life plays out

Tawnya

[Coach]

Just about the time you think "Futonboy" was gone from the board for good he shows back up.
Strength and Honor. You are handling it.
Cheers

[mulesqb]

Kerry - Thanks - that means a lot to me. My L thinks I have a good shot. Apparently the boys are saying a lot to our family therapist. I have to see if we can get her involved. My S14 wants no part of my W and my L thinks he will end up being key - especially if we get a law guardian involved.

[mulesqb]

{{{{{{{{{Mules}}}}}}}}} first of all..SO glad you updated and got it out there for everyone to check on you!!

You are putting up with SO much and coming out of this such on the other side an incredibly strong, caring person that it is just AWESOME to see..when you said it was hard to tell you had detached, I say.. NO not at all. The way you describe the sitch and her, you sound like a person who is moving THIS way while she is sitting way back there somewhere..

Also, I know it took a lot to get you to say that about your neighbor..but you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about in that in any way, shape or form..YOU are strength and honor personified!

I'm so glad you are getting out and doing things..you are always so upbeat and cheerful when we talk and thank YOU right back for being there for ME my friend

Your boys are so fortunate to have you be there for them!!

Keep us updated and can't wait to see how the next chapter of your life plays out

Tawnya

Thanks T - and thanks for listening last week. Very good read. We are definitely moving in different directions. I'm at peace at where this is going. I didn't want friends to find out for so long out of embarrassment, it is actually helping me now that they know. It turns out most of them already knew. They always see me alone with the boys at our games. I run the CYO program and spent much of the weekend at the gym where they conduct playoffs. I have many friends in particular on one team and saw them play twice. They were so good to me, I felt so relieved. I am going out for beers with two of them tonight.

As always - thanks for the kind words - and right back at ya G!

[mulesqb]

Just about the time you think "Futonboy" was gone from the board for good he shows back up.
Strength and Honor. You are handling it.
Cheers

LOL!! Somebody once told me how everybody likes a comeback! OK the Futon thing has got to stop. I am now the King of the Castle!!! Yeah right.

I always read here - just stopped posting. Can't fully explain it.

Thank you and your lovely W for always being here for me! We won on Sat - got the big enchilada next Saturday standing in the way. We were losing by 8 and switched to man dee. They scored 8 points the rest of the way.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{Mules}}}}}

So nice to "see" you again!! Thanks for including me in your list of friends--it means alot!

I agree with Tawnya--I see you as quite detached and it is a very good thing. It breaks my heart to see what she is still doing to the boys, but you are an amazing dad and I have complete confidence in your ability to be a single full time dad. I hope your L keeps pushing that scenario, especially if it becomes necessary to bring a guardian ad litem in. While they represent the boys, they will represent the BEST for the boys which is so obviously you. Chin uo and stand strong while doing the right thing. I am proud of you.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[Tawnya]

{{{Mules}}} I think that has surprised me too, how much people just are like pouring out of the woodwork to support me and not pointing fingers except to say "what is your hub thinking" LOL..I think it's great you are able to let people be THERE for you

OH..and no one is as "G" as you..word!

Tawnya

[faithisbelieving]

mules..this will sound petty and patronizing...but....I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have come so far that...even being more 'senior' than you here, I am in awe of how you are handling this.

Stay the course.

In reality, your wife will probably not have custody taken away from her, but, keep those cards up your sleeve. I am appalled at her behavior. Truly appalled. Even my W in her infinite loss of perspective, hasn't stooped as low towards our children.

Anyone can be a father mules. Not everyone is capable of being a 'dad'. You encompass that word. Trust me. The way you are handling this....your boys will know and forever remember you. I have no advice for you now other than to just keep on being a dad.

Keep a log of her behavior. We discussed other things as well. Keep private about this. Remember that wonderful phrase, "speak softly but carry a big stick".

Talk with your boys. Be in the moment with them. Explain things honestly without bashing her. As I prepare for the eventual loss of time with my children, all I can tell you is do what you are doing: quality over quantity.

Tough times don't last mules. Tough people do. I tell that to my children now mules. Your dad's words in my life.

Dad's DO make a difference. I know you won't fail. I'm not a super religious person, but, I wish to say: G-d bless you.

Strength and HONOR.

FIB