New Here

[SoCo]

Hi,
I have been reading this forum for a few days now. I separated from my h right after Christmas. I did this for many reasons. The biggest reason was a trust issue. He did not have any physical affairs, but did lie to me on numerous occasions and e-mailed back and forth with a woman he met online. Other things as well, but the trust is most important to me.

I am going to go buy the book today, and I am having such conflicted feelings. I thought that if we just split up and I only had to be responsible for myself and my kids, it would be great. I wouldn't have to worry about what he was doing, not doing, etc. anymore.

He has been coming to see the kids and bringing a fair share of money. He has been staying with a friend, and swinging back and forth between how much he misses us, and I think just being mad. Well, of course all of the issues did not just go away when we split up. I was convinced I would be soooo happy after I was rid of him, but I do find myself really missing him and wondering if I messed up. When I read the article about the WAW, it described my situation to a tee. He did/does have issues, and I'm sure I have some too, although not as major as the dishonesty. I tried and tried, then decided it was best if we split, then just stopped caring. We had a serious talk two months before we split where I told him that I thought we should just separate. Of course, even though the reasons were linked to his behavior, he didn't want to "lose" his family.

I'm at a crossroads right now. He is about to go out and get his own place, and I feel that if he signs a lease for a year and we stay apart, all hope is pretty much lost. I think that sometimes men find it easier to just move on and forget than to work really hard and feel the hurt and pain in order to save the relationship.

I'm getting the book, reading it, and starting to try the techniques today. I hope it's not too late, and I hope that he's also willing to work. My kids ask me everyday if dad is coming home, and it hurts. I do miss the good parts too. Not the issues, but the good parts. He did/does? love me and I know that.

Sorry so long, and if you read this far thank you. Any advice would be welcomed. I am hurting, my kids are hurting, and I'm sure he is hurting too.
Confused
M-32
H-33
M-12 years
T-almost 14 years
S- 12/27/09
ds-8
dd-3

[AFWAW]

Have you tried going to counseling? If he is willing, you might have a good chance at working on your communication issues with him. Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side. There are some obvious issues to be addressed and some behaviors to be modified though. Please consider this--my wife has left me with my child and wants to be by herself. If you think there is any chance--get some help.

[Helpers]

Sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time.

My advice would be for you to follow the advice of the book and work on solutions to the problems that you two are having. Also going to see a good therapist would help as well.

Am I correct in inferring that you want it to work out, but you need to see changes on his part before you're truly ready to recommit?

[SoCo]

I am more than willing to go to counseling. He said at one time before we split that he would go too. I don't know how he feels now. As I said, I'm sure he is angry. What I hate is that there were really valid reasons for me leaving, and now I'm so conflicted.

I do, however, feel some guilt because 1. I miss him and 2. He always loved me unconditionally and did not judge me. Some of his actions, such as telling lies, do not go with my definition of love, but I do know that he loved me. I do have some issues, such as not being very openly affectionate, not saying I love you a lot, and being kind of critical. I can see where these would after a time start to drive him away from me, which could help fuel the other behaviors. I kind of see it as a vicious cycle now that I'm being introspective. He tries, I fail to acknowledge, show appreciation, criticise, etc. He decides at some point that is is fruitless to try as hard, I get hurt, angry, show less affection, more critical, etc. However, with the honesty issues, he has to choose to change that part, and I cannot force him. I want to see him change it, and show that he wants to fight for us. Again, probably easier for him to walk away and move on.
Vicious cycle. Thanks for the advice guys. I really feel like nobody quite understands. I do want to give it a try. I'm just scared that nothing will change, and the hurt will be worse the second time around. I also don't want to jerk my kid's emotions around either. Their happiness is obviously very important to me. I also don't want to wait too long so that it is too late.

[PortlandDad]

Hi SC, I'm sorry you are here but you are in the right place for some wonderful advice and some help and support for the hard time that you and your family are going through. If you are still on speaking terms with your H I second the recommendation to bring up the issue of MC. If he is still amenable to that, it should be very helpful to your sitch.

Don't lose hope! Two months is an awfully short amount of time to be separated, and it seems like your desire and efforts at reconciliation are fairly recent. Many folks here are separated for many months before their DB efforts start paying off. Everyone and every sitch is different, but DB'ing isn't a "quick-fix" for marital problems.

It sounds like you are doing the right things so far: wanting to preserve the relationship, get DB and read it and start following it, work on yourself, etc.

You are definitely at the start of the journey. Keep posting and stay positive!

[letterman]

It seems you already know some of your own shortcomings. You've got to work on you first and see if after a while those things you can change about yourself start to pay off - albeit slowly. What took years to fester will not disappear overnight. Good luck and realize you are not alone.