My husband asked me for a seperation in June. This is the second time he has asked me this, which was 5 years ago. It's almost like a replay of a nightmare from the past. Both times I was in school and again he has found a 19 year old girl to cheat with. But this time it seems like there are more emotions involved and he is currently staying with the girl. Currently I am in graduate school and am about to graduate in December. In June, he told me he was unhappy and wanted a seperation. Since then I have been going in a spiral of destruction. I spent the last 3 months trying to help him realize what he has by reasoning, begging, pleading, etc. We have been married for 8 years and were married as teenagers 18 and 19. We have 2 boys, 3 and 6. I know that I have matured much faster than he has in the past few years and had to be the responsible one for the family. Now he says he is leaving me because I am too controlling, he doesn't love me anymore and loves this new girl. Of course, everything is my fault. He is so mean and cruel to me. And I've tried everything for the last 3 months desperately trying to save our marriage and family. Right now I am alone with my 2 boys playing single mom. He's not very involved at all with us and I have no way to contact him. I'm going through all the emotions from abandonment, betrayal, anger, resentment, confusion, but mostly sadness and depression. I have this constant dull aching pain in my chest and I cry everyday. I am finally able to somewhat function, like making myself go to school and taking care of my boys. At first I could hardly get out of bed and was suicidal. Why does he not see how much pain he is causing all of us? And how much destruction. Our finances are a shamble, I don't know how I am going to survive for the next few months til I graduate from school, so that I can work. I can't eat and I can't sleep. He did come back temporarily for about 2 weeks, he said that "I" deserved a 2nd chance, but it was never really a second chance. For 2 weeks all he did was treat me badly, says he has no remorse for the cheating, rubbed the cheating in my face by telling me how much she meant to him, picked at our marriage and acted like he didn't want to be with us. For 2 weeks I tried to show him that I have changed and how much I loved him and needed him to try. And finally last Thursday he left one night and didn't come home til the next day. The next day he came back and told me he was with her and I was so angry after he promised me he would end it and he ended up moving back in with her. At this time I asked him to give me time alone with the boys if this is what he really wants so that I can heal. And if he really wants a divorce he needs to go get the papers because I never wanted one. I see all the mistakes we have both made and why we have came to this point in our marriage. And all I want to do is to start over again, forgive each other, make things right, keeping the postive changes , and to keep our family together. I have read both of Michelle's books, have looked at religion, and have been going to counseling. I don't know what else to do but to let go, but part of me still has hope. I look at my two boys and I cry for them, I feel so sad when they ask if daddy is going to ever come home to our family. I tell I'm so sorry that this is happening to them. I'm hoping that by showing him that I'm trying to let go (the LRT) and by not trying to contact him or his family or friends that he'll see his lost. And hopefully his anger will subside because everytime he sees me he says it makes him remember our fights and he can't remember anything good about our marriage. The last time when he came back (the last time we had a seperation) it was because I moved away and was starting my life over again. But this time it is much harder for me to do that because we have 5 more years of memories together, 2 kids now instead of 1, and my values about marriage and family has grew stronger since then. Please help me, I would like to speak to anyone who is going through a similar situation. I need some insight and support. And I would like to give the same in return. It's so hard to talk to my family and friends because they have grown tired of me talking about the same thing and don't understand the pain and why I am still trying. I'm so out of control right now and need somebody to help guide me. What am I doing wrong?
Hallo Coca-crikey what a name! Take three really deep breaths before you do anything else. OK? It is really good that you have read DB/DR - and now you need to take on board what is really at the heart of them. You cannot change him; you can only change yourself . & in so far as you change yourself, you can change the situation you find yourself in - but only in so far as what relates to you.
Quote: he'll see his lost.
Can you try to turn aside from seeing what is happening between you two as a conflict of winners and losers? If you hold that thought, even if you do not express it - at a deep and subtle level he will pick it up - & no one wants to be a loser. He would feel diminished, emasculated - & you might not like the H you got back. [My wise Mother once said to me, "never try to change your H, you might change him from someone you fell in love with, to someone you don't like!"]
Quote: everytime he sees me he says it makes him remember our fights and he can't remember anything good about our marriage.
Just now, that is his truth - he cannot remember anything good: if he could he wouldnt be where he is. But perceptions can change - & that is where your DB stuff comes in. If you can rediscover girl he fell in love with, & re-introduce her to him, his full memory will come back to him, gradually. The main thing is - do not try & be the one to remind him! That is a big danger area!! Steer clear! Remember when you were first together, falling in love with him - & how carefully you handled it then, not to 'frighten him off'? You are back in that land again, only you need to be 100 times as tactful and diplomatic, because there is history between you, (which you recognise too). Stay calm, Coca - focus on your lovely children: you are sad, they are so sad too, & need you to be strong for them in their scary world. Sing to them, hold them, enjoy them - if you can be strong for them, you will be amazed at how much strength you receive back! Older-but-not-a-lot-wiser Saph
Dear Coco, I agree with wise ol' Saph. Breathe girl, breathe. You need to stop panicing...though I know the feeling. You may want to drift over to MLC board as it seems your H is suffering from immaturity which is much like MLC (could it be the same???)
If you choose to salvage your M as most of us here are trying to do, it will take a while. There will be no quick fix. the first things to do are: stop panicing dont beg, pursue, argue, pursuade or demand pray think about what is best immediately for you and your children if the depression persists, seek medical help find a good counselor who is promarriage
read alot on this BB and post when you need to
Sorry you are here...visit my thread if you need me shockedandamazed
He came over today and stated that he is willing to go to marriage counseling to see what that will do for us, but he's not willing to end the affair at this point. He says he is afraid that if he comes back everything will be back as it was (in his mind everything was horrible between us) and he will lose what he has with this OW. How should I handle this situation and what should I interpret this change in mind to go to counseling. For the last 3 months he was totally against trying to seek counseling. I really don't think it is going to work if he's still going to continue his relationship with the OW. He's not giving it a 100 percent but should I just take what he's willing to offer at this point? Would I ever see him the same way if we do get back together? Is it worth trying anymore? Can I ever trust him again after knowing he is capable of doing something so hurtful and disrespectful? Is he going to respect me?
Hallo Coca - see this as progress. He wasnt into C before, & now he is. Think of the perspective of the half full/half empty glass. See it half full! OK we know if they wont end A it makes everything a lot more difficult, but perhaps it just means what it is - he isn't ready to re-commit to your R, YET. But if he's agreeing to C, maybe it means he has questions. And if he has questions, his mind is perhaps a little open. And if his mind is a little open - there is a chink for you to look through, and reach out to him. From where you are, nothing to lose! My H wont give up A, so I know what you mean. But I am just sticking with the DB, and praying hard. Stay calm, Coca. Saph
I agree with Saph. If you want to save your M, his interest in C is good. We dont know his motivations and I wont tell you for sure they are good, but if you can get him to see a solution oriented promarriage C, you have a chance no matter what his reasons are for going.
My H went to C because his OW wanted him to b/c they both felt really guilty and him "trying" with me made them feel better. Ironically her telling him to 'work it out with me' turned him on to her all the more for her 'nobility and great selfless love' He also wanted to plug me into C to help me through what he knew he was about to do.
Despite my H having some less than wonderful motives, I do also feel that he has some level of 'conflict' with his choices. He subsequently left me for her and stopped C, but I cant help but think that some of the changes that occurred between us at the time as well as some of the things the C said then may come back to my H at a later time when his A/MLC has played out some more. We will yet see.
Point being: You are not going to get guarantees and you must give up the hope for them and function in "the tension of relationship" for anything right now to work.
Even if your H has completely wrong motives for C, it can still do something in favor of your M.
If he has good motives...terrific, all the better.
Also: As impossible as it seems at this point, you need to stop needing him...it is the only healthy way to get him back and rebuild a solid marriage. You must be healthy inside and happy alone with yourself before you can really offer him anything. This is why it is OK for many of us when we either get the chance to rebuild or not...it takes a solid and healthy sense of self to do either and as much as I hate the process of suffering, it is the way to get there.
Try to focus on you Cry out to God, even if you do not know him, he knows you and is listening to all who sincerely cry out to him Release all expectations either way about your M and your H (C wont work on your end if you cannot do this) Take your eyes off of H, OW Calm down...this story will take some time to work through...stop being reactive
Decide if you want to pursue the marriage, but make this decision based on wisdom, discernment, etc...not reactively out of anger, fear, etc. If your M can ever work, it is better for your Ks.
Enough...if you need me, I am over in MLC..just post to one of my threads and I will find you. I dont visit here much...I only come to visit Saph's thread.
Well he came over today to spend some time with the boys. It's so hard to not want to share my thoughts and feelings with him. As soon as he left I broke down and cried my eyes out. I think it would be easier to work on our friendship and to relax if I knew that he wasn't going to her after he left (he's still staying with the OW). It just tears me up to know where and who's he going to be with tonight. He has agreed to go to counseling this week. I'm hoping that it will give him some insight, also for myself. I know that I have changed and learned alot from this experience and would never be who I was. But I know I have alot more changing to do and figuring out how I am or we are ever going to rebuild that trust. I really wonder if I'll ever see him in the same light again. Last time (5 years ago)it was alot more easier because of the way he came back, he made it seem like she meant nothing to him and that he was truly sorry. And was willing to do anything to win my heart and trust back. This time he's skeptical, I think it is because he's worried that I will not change my bad ways and revert back to who I was and I'm afraid that he actually loves this girl. Which hurts the most because for the last 8 years I have never given my heart to anyone else but my husband. I met someone else also after our last seperation, when I finally decided to let go and moved away. But still I never gave my heart to anyone but him. Is it possible that he may think he loves her but to realize it later that it wasn't true love but lust?
I'm trying my best to have patience with him. To give him time to realize things. He seemed to have changed a bit since the last 3 months, but I'm afraid to have my hopes up high and be crushed again like when he came home for 2 weeks. Currently, I am totally emotionally drained and getting to the point at times of giving up. I know I love him and will always love him. And really wish that we can do things right this time and keep our marriage strong. I know that we can if he really tried because I know what I am willing to do on my part to change and to rebuild our marriage. But with him not wanting to end the AF, his skeptism about us & for his feelings for me, and not giving a 100% worries me. I don't understand the cheating, how anyone would want to hurt someone that they know who cares so deeply for them, no matter what the situation is. I'm afraid after knowing what he is capable of doing and how he can have a change of heart, that I will always wonder if he will love me as I love him. I'm afraid that it will happen again or he will continue to lie to me if he does come back and continue seeing her. I'm afraid he is coming back for the wrong reasons, guilt, the children, or for financial security. I'm afraid that he won't realize what he almost lost, or what he did was wrong and so destructive to our family. And is something he will never ever do again. I know that this his last chance, I will not for a fact take him back no matter how bad it hurts if this happens again years from now. Then I'll know that it's a pattern and life is to short to be repeating the same pains over and over again. There's so much fears also on my part too and we have a long ways to go to from recovering from all this turmoil. But I hope that is a true attempt on his part in taking the 1st step of realization of how much love he has here at home with his family and the possibilites of making it through all this. And to find happiness and love within our marriage. I just hope that things will be piecing together for us and that we will never ever be at his point again and to really learn from all this pain. One last question, how do you work on your marriage but at the same time prepare yourself to let go if things go for the worst????
So sorry to see you here, but this is an awesome place to be and you will find alot of support here. Come here often as the people here understand what you are going through, unlike friends and family who only want you to be happy so their answer is for you to leave him and punish him.
I think the fact that your husband wants to see a C is a positive sign. Now I'm no expert here but I will offer my advice.
My sitch--M 14 yrs, tgthr 20, 3 kids-d-13,s-10,s-9, bomb dropped on June 1, been separated since Aug. 11. Things are going ok but long way to go (you can read my threads by doing a search on my name)
The first few months I was just where you are, in a total panic (although with mine this was totally out of the blue, our M was perfect or so I thought) I did everything wrong, I begged, pleaded and tried to show him how much we were hurting. All this did was drive him away more. Now I am accepting what is happening and I know that it can go either way and I have to be Ok with that.
The fact that your H has told you that he doesn't want to let OW go in case you don't change is showing you that he is being honest about his feelings. I think this is a good thing. H is not hiding anything from you. As odd as it sounds, with him being honest with you now I think it will be easier for you to learn to trust him again. Things he will say to you (about when he is going to be with other woman, not about not ever being happy with you) will hurt but at least he is being honest, telling you how he is feeling. If he holds things in that is not good for either one of you.
For you to demand that he stop seeing OW will be viewed upon as control, and that is what he is rebelling against. So as much as it hurts you have to let it go. (again I am not an expert, I am only talking from my situation) If he is in fact having a MLC then this is his journey and you have to let him take it or it will happen again. You have to stand back and ride it out, if that is what you want to do. The choice is yours to stay or not. If you do push him he will run and might not come back. If you just ride it out he may come back and if he does it will be because he wants to and he wants you. We have no control over others just over ourselves. Come here often for support. Check out Hearts Blessings posts, reading them has helped me alot!, she is very wise.(just do a search on her username and her posts should come up)
If at all possible do not react to things he does or says without thinking about it for a while. It helps to step back and think, if you react first you can't take back your actions later and you will only confirm what he is saying about you.
You will have to be very very patient. this will take time. But the more you push (if it is MLC) the longer it will take.
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
Hello again Coco; Tina is giving you sound advice. I'd also say, dont spend energy now worrying about the what ifs of the future. You will only go round in circles and make yourself feel a whole lot worse, because you are repeating the idea that the only future is failure. This is precisely the opposite of where you want to go. So concentrate just on today. How you are, what can you do for yourself to make it a good day, (this exludes all stuff related to H of course). At the end of each day, no matter how yukky it felt, review it all, and focus on the best thing that happened - sunset, a flower, children laughing - they dont have to be big, just celebrate them. Save worrying about future problems, you have enough on your plate right now. May I also comment that I hope any changes you do make in yourself - are not for him, but for you? Stay with yourself in this! Keep your chin up! Saphire
I agree with Saphire, don't worry about the what if's of the future.
That very thing was brought into perspective to me yesterday when my sister and I were talking about her H's cancer. (after operation, kemo etc. he is now cancer free!)When they found out about it, it was a shock and there were tears and panic. After the dust settles and it sinks in you realize that there is nothing that you can do to control the situation, to see into the future as to how it will all turn out. You have to live with it and hope for the best. Getting angry about it, terribly depressed about it or trying to deny it will not change the outcome, just make it more uncomfortable getting there. You can't hurry the process because that is just what it is, a process. If we could see into the future and knew what was coming all the time life would not be challanging at all.
Take the time that you are apart to work on yourself, you will get through this!!!! Just breathe!
This was posted by Glo on one of my threads
Quote: As much as we HATE the situation, we are empowered by our CHOICE to try this and not give up.
Doesn't that make you feel good? This is your choice to "fight" for your marriage by accepting the circumstances and working on your independence and focusing on your kids.
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
He also wanted to plug me into C to help me through what he knew he was about to do.