First post, my story

[Moonlocks]

Suddenly I don't know where to start. Been married to my H for almost 17 years, with 4 kids ages 9, 11, 14, and 15.

He has always worked a lot, but it has reached the point where he spends almost no time at home. In the fall I began to wonder if he was work-addicted. I bought a book about it and saw him on almost every page, and myself on any page pertaining to spouses. I suggested he see a therapist to talk about what's going on with him. He did. A few weeks later he told me that he's questioning everything in his life--everything including his happiness, our marriage, and me--everything. This really turned me upside-down. I had always believed that we were solid forever. Even if I wasn't happy with his work hours, or that he feels compelled to do charity work after hours until there is no time left for family--that at the heart there was still a bond between the two of us that was stronger than that.

I asked if he and the therapist had ever addressed the work addiction issue. Turns out that H had briefly brought it up, but it was passed over quickly and they moved on to other things. I asked him to please read the work addiction book, or at least the pages I highlighted. He was too busy. Eventually (weeks later) he skimmed it and wasn't terribly impressed.

I also think he's in the midst of a midlife crisis (the death of his mother, followed by a new convertible Porsche, new clothes, and 'I'm questioning everything' statement were my clues) but his therapist wasn't really interested in addressing that.

Having full access to my own brain, I know what things he does that bother me--primarily just working himself until there is nothing left. But I don't know what is bothering him. Anytime I ask, he tells me he doesn't know, or that's why he's seeing a therapist, and he'll write down my questions and bring them up at his next session. This is so frustrating!

His therapist thought it would be helpful for us to see a couples therapist who works in the same office, so we made an appointment. Now I like this couples guy--I think he is incredibly perceptive--but I think he has done more damage than good in the two visits we've had. He has told us that it seems like H has checked out of the marriage; that lifelong monogamy was reasonable when people lived to 40, but maybe now maybe not that reasonable; that some people just are not meant to be married to anyone, that they are happier alone doing their own things; perhaps we never had a marriage at all; and that when he talks to us he doesn't know if he should be working to get us to 'marry' each other again, or mediating our separation.

Both of these sessions have left me desolate. H just sits there "in listening mode" as he puts it. The couples guy sees me as the one who desperately wants a marriage, and H the one who has completely withdrawn, and unless he checks back in, there is nothing more to talk about. But H is the one who took me to see a couples therapist--it was his idea. H is a perfectionist. Failing at anything pains him tremendously, and failing at marriage is the ultimate. He doesn't want to fail.

One of the few answers I've gotten from H about what is wrong and what he's not happy with is our emotional connection. He wants more, and evidently there are many opportunities he's needed me and I've failed to pick up on it. I feel terrible about that, but I'm not psychic. And if he's not home--or just coming home in time to set out his clothes for the next day and get the bills paid before going to bed--well maybe I just got tired of following him around the house trying to have one-on-one time when he can't stop to sit down and hold a conversation. He considers sitting down talking to be "doing nothing" which for a man with a bottomless to-do list is a huge waste of time.

Sexually, there has been no phsyical intimacy for about 6 months. H was always on the lower side of desire, but in the last few years he's gone from low to no desire. It used to work that I would just wake him up around midnight and I could have what I wanted. The equipment works. He's just not into it. It finally got to where he was virtually a nonparticipant, short of the erection he provided. It's not like I'm even asking for sex once a week. Once or twice a month, if only he cared, would make me so happy. After that last time, I backed off and said I wasn't going to do that again--if he wanted it, he would have to initiate it on his own. We used to sleep naked together, but I put my clothes back on and have slept that way ever since. If he wants me naked, he has to show me. Nothing has come from his side of the bed since.

We had a session with the couples guy last night. I was very upset afterwards, and wanted to talk about a couple things that he'd said. H, however, was tired and just wanted to go to bed. He had a big day ahead, it was late, couldn't we just talk the next day? This was as I was lying in bed next to him, crying. I called him on his 'not being there emotionally' charge he'd made at me. I'm sitting here crying for godsake, in so much pain I can't stand it, and he was going to leave me like this to go to sleep? And I was asking for his support, unlike him who has emotional needs and doesn't tell me about them, and then blames me for not knowing he needed me. That at least did get his attention.

We talked, and he reassured me that he does want everything to work, he just doesn't know how. He doesn't want to see the couples guy anymore because this is what it does to me. And frankly, the sessions really just dredge up hurts and slights, and un-marriagelike comments from the therapist. H is an action guy--a doer--he wants to know what concrete things he can do to make things right.

I told him I've ordered a few of Michele's books, and I told him about coaching. So that's my story. I'm here and I'm trying. The year ahead really scares me.

[lemonsnap]

Hi Moonlocks,
So sorry to see you here, but welcome. This is a wonderful place for you to be during this time.

Two immediate recommendations - read the books, and consider looking for a MC who practices solution oriented therapy (google this term for therapists in your area.) This style of therapy is less focused on all of the whys and past history in childhood, etc. and more focused on HOW to make positive changes.

Given what you have said about your H

H is an action guy--a doer--

that might be something that helps the two of you.

[Moonlocks]

and consider looking for a MC who practices solution oriented therapy (google this term for therapists in your area.) This style of therapy is less focused on all of the whys and past history in childhood, etc. and more focused on HOW to make positive changes.

Thank you, lemonsnap. I'd never heard of this.

[lemonsnap]

If you think H might be suffering from a MLC, there are some great forums here with people that can give you some direction. Be sure to check them out too.

[Helpers]

Moonlocks,

Real sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand your pain and how you feel that he is "withdrawn." My wife is the same way, just sort of turned it off one day. At least he says that he's willing to work on it. I hope you can strike while the iron is hot and get yourselves back in the grove.

Good luck!