So my wife has agreed to marriage counseling but only after we have signed sep. agreement.This could take another 2 months.We are still living together.My full sit. is in another thread.I suggested we could go before sep. figuring it would save some $ but she said no way.She said she needs some time and space alone first.I know she is seeing other guys.Nothing serious she said just for sexual release.It's tough living together with this going on.I guess I should be happy she finally agreed to counseling but it still doesn't make sense to go after we spend money on sep.Any feedback would be appreciated.
Judging from this and prior posts of yours, your wife appears to be a serial adulteress. My advice would be to tell her that YOU cannot live in an open marriage, and that she should pack her stuff and leave -- now.
She's in no position to be telling YOU what to do re: separation, etc. If she wants to file, let her file. I suspect she's just trying to string this out financially, since she can't support herself right now, or she's merely trying to keep both plates spinning on the sticks -- you and OM (other MEN?).
Why would you be making her nice dinners, etc., while she is out cheating on you, and she's done this before as well? To me, that sends ENTIRELY the wrong message, and I think your wife -- in all likelihood -- doesn't take you very seriously anymore.
Counseling isn't going to do an ounce of good while she's seeing other people. It will be a complete waste of time for both of you.
As for her saying that she's only seeing other guys for sexual release, all I can say about that is "mama mia." If my W ever said that to me I think I'd run to get those sep. papers signed and get her out of my house.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
So my wife has agreed to marriage counseling but only after we have signed sep. agreement.This could take another 2 months.We are still living together.My full sit. is in another thread.I suggested we could go before sep. figuring it would save some $ but she said no way.She said she needs some time and space alone first.I know she is seeing other guys.Nothing serious she said just for sexual release.It's tough living together with this going on.I guess I should be happy she finally agreed to counseling but it still doesn't make sense to go after we spend money on sep.Any feedback would be appreciated.
Does this mean she is having sex with other men or just going out with other men (ie. restaurants, clubs, dancing, etc.)
Seriously, sexual release involving sex with other men is something serious, not nothing?!
Reply back, I'd like to hear more about this and offer my 0.02 cents.
Don't we all come to this site to save our marriages?I know a lot of us here are in the same boat and a lot have spouses that are cheating.I'm no angel either.Never cheated but lied about money and bills.It does bother me that she cheated or still is.13 years of marriage is kinda hard to throw away.Don't get me wrong,if there is no hope I have to move on.But shouldn't I try rather than give up right away?
You are not giving up, but you are reclaiming your dignity. In order to save your marriage, you need to reclaim yourself, first. Ultimately, you need to love YOU before you can love someone else. Can you honestly look in the mirror and feel good about the fact that your wife and you live under the same roof and she is serially cheating on you?? If so, then no offense, but YOU need IC before you can even think about MC. As a matter of fact, I would still recommend IC for you, anyway.
Blessings, grace, and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Sorry to hear that your situation is taking such a toll on you.
It sounds to me like you dismiss something quite significant as "nothing serious." All you can really do is focus on yourself and get your head in order.
Do you think seeing a counselor on your own would help? It may help you work through some of the issues you're going through.
My W isn't exactly receptive to MC so I've been going on my own. The basic thing I focus on when there is how to not be so depressed all the time. Only went once so far but it was nice to get a professional's opinion on the matter.
Keep your chin up and know that you can get through this.
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
I didn't mean to downplay the cheating.We both have our faults.In one persons eyes lying about the bills can probably be just as upsetting as cheating.I personally think cheating is much worse.I have been seeing my counseler.The same one I saw years ago.I have been doing things to improve myself and keep busy.BTW the nice dinners are stopping.There's no need for me to cook for her when I get nothing in return.Time to go dark.
I didn't mean to downplay the cheating.We both have our faults.In one persons eyes lying about the bills can probably be just as upsetting as cheating.I personally think cheating is much worse.I have been seeing my counseler.The same one I saw years ago.I have been doing things to improve myself and keep busy.BTW the nice dinners are stopping.There's no need for me to cook for her when I get nothing in return.Time to go dark.
No one will view lying about the bills as upsetting as cheating on your spouse by having sex with another person. Don't kid yourself, when you make a statement like that you are trying to rationalize her behavior as being ok because of something you did.
Read this several times if necessary: - There is never an excuse to cheat on your spouse.
When a spouse cheats on their spouse and says they did it because the other person did something like lie about bills or not communicate or provide emotional support, they are rationalizing their own $hitty behavior. Regardless of what you did your spouse has a mind, and controls her actions. She chose to cheat on you and hurt you and she is fine with that - think about what that says.
I'm going to give you some tough love here because I had a friend that went through this crap and this may not be the typical DB talk but sometimes you have to realize that hand you're being dealt is crap and need to do something about your situation.
- What you are doing now is not working, ie. cooking dinner and making the home comfortable for your wife so when she comes home from work, she knows her door mat husband is waiting for her at home - your wife has lost all attraction for you, proof of this is her having sex with other men, if no one has mentioned this to you at all on the forums, let me be the first person to do so - are you ignoring that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the feeling that your insides are being turned around with rough wooden spoon, that you are feeling pain because the woman you love is hurting you and pursuing and having sexual relations with other men and not hiding it from you? If you are not feeling this, there is something very wrong with you - there is no way a man can handle his wife have sex with other men and be ok with it, not unless you are from an alternate universe with a different set of rules for reality - you feel helpless in this situation and all you can do is rationalize her behavior, she is doing this to me because I'm a bad person, didn't communicate with her, lied about bills, didn't do enough housework, didn't care for the kids enough, didn't make enough money, blah, blah, blah, blah, you should get the point by now - none of this matters, there is no reason for a spouse to cheat on their partner regardless of their explanation - you are trying to show your wife how great a spouse you are by not appearing needy or controlling and that it's ok for her to relieve her sexual tension by having sex with other men - unfortunately she isn't stopping her behavior, if anything it's probably increasing - you are a doormat and your wife can't love a doormat, the only thing you can do with a doormat is walk all over it. Do you see what you've become? How can she ever be attracted to someone who thinks it's ok for her to have sex with other men. It's not a very a masculine trait to say that her behavior is ok with you, you are a man, if you need a reminder, this is it, you are a man, time to start acting like one. - you have not yet found the strength & courage to stand up to your wife, you don't want to argue because somehow this will get twisted against you and you will feel bad for bringing it up and think you've ruined your chances of ever getting your wife back together with you. - you will feel guilty for standing up for yourself and letting her know that she is stepping over every realistic boundary that every spouse should have with their partner - her current behavior is unacceptable, time for this register in your head - time for you to man up, tell her what she is doing is disrespectful and unacceptable. If she won't admit this and stop doing what she is doing when what she is doing is clearly wrong, you have to ask yourself is my wife will to do anything to love me and protect our marriage - the answer is no (obviously, she's cheating on you openly) - this should have been the rationalization going through your head originally, not rationalizing her behavior and saying that it's ok (indirectly you are saying that it's ok, regardless of whether you believe this or not). - do you really want to be with someone who would so easily disrespect you, hurt you and show you that they don't want to be with you anymore? - take into account that you have to answer NO to this question not because of her but because of yourself. How can you ever expect her to love & respect you when you don't even show that yourself for yourself? People only love people who love themselves, people only respect people who respect themselves.
- your wife is receiving a huge boost to her self-esteem at your expense because you are at home waiting for her (conquered) while she is receiving attention/external validation from other men (it's addictive, like a drug)
You are downplaying the cheating, you are trying to protect her. I understand, you love her, you want her to come to her senses and tell you she is doing wrong and wants to work on the marriage. She has no incentive to do this when you have provide a nice home for her to live in, cook her meals and do god knows what for her while she can go out and !@#$%&* other men.
Time for you to detach, time for you to go dark, time for you to limit contact, limit communication, don't talk to her, don't call her, don't text, email, write a letter, etc. In fact, I would tell her to leave. If she won't leave, she can sleep on the couch and you will take the master bedroom.
The first step in all of this is being courageous when it's very scary to do so, the truth is, having courage means doing those things even when you're afraid to do them - it's probably the greatest quality a man can have.
I would love to hear more from you and what's going on with your situation and if you're willing to do any of this that we're putting before you.
