The LBS is reluctant to expose because of what they think the adulterer spouse may do. Well, what are they going to do? --- get mad and go off have have an affair. Hey, we are already there.
the LBS is reluctant to expose because they are carrying shame and, maybe, guilt generated by the affair. I say let's spread the wealth around. A person who has an affair is a self-centered dirt-bag. Expose, Expose, Expose.
_^^^^_
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
And to add to it a "blame the victim" mentality is infuriating. If I hear "an affair is a symptom of a bad marriage, not the cause of its end" one more time, I'm just gonna have to throttle someone. Yeah, it was a bad marriage, and I would have loved to have worked on it; but before the affair he shut me out, and when the OW came along there was no hope of healing it. But he has "moved on" and is "happy" and while it's sad, I'd "better learn to move on too." Well, yeah, I'm trying, but when his financial greed results in virtual poverty for D13 and I, and his profound narcissism results in D13 being forced to make friends with the woman who broke up her family--it's not quite so easy, is it? But who's the one with the supportive friends and family? Even those to whom I've exposed the affair have hardly batted an eye about it and seem more concerned that I read H's email to find out the truth, than that what was in those emails was the deconstruction of my marriage.
Ouch.......
After reading this I think the whole get a life thing should be re-phrased, "Save your own a$$"
Really, because in some cases, injustice is the norm, the wicked prosper and the LBS is left shattered emotionally, relationally, spiritually and financally.
I think a sobering, helpful, statement someone might say to a new LBS is:
1. Your spouse is having an affair
2. They are discarding you.
3. It looks like they might leave.
4. They want to replace you with the OP and have them raise you children.
5. They are willing to ruin you financially.
6. They are only thinking of themselves.
7. You might lose your whole community around you.
8. Your inlaws will probably circle the wagons and abandon you and, perhaps your children.
9. Some of your common friends will choose the WAS and their paramour over you.
10. You church may be of little or no support.
11. You will feel totally alone.
12. You may be able to turn this situation around with certain behavior modifications (ie, Divorce-bust), but, MOST importantly....
13. GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER!!!! You will need to, single-handedly, take care of yourself: body, soul and spirit. No one is going to do this for you. Excercize, get hobbies, find new friends, make as much money as you can, create meaning and happiness around yourself, get legal advice, because, KIDDO...NO ONE is going to do this for you.
14. DO IT NOW!!!!!!!
15. Oh yes, was it clear that no one is going to do this for you?
16. REALLY, you are totally screwed, so get off you a$$, save yourself, and move on.
Theo, you forgot to mention the following: you may lose your home, your car (and hence, your transportation to whatever work you can find that fits into being a single parent with little support network); your utilities may be shut off, so you and your child will live without heat (that is, if your furnace even works to begin with)--so do what you can to hang on until warmer weather. And if you happen to be a professional, you will not qualify for any assistance because you have the potential to bring in a much larger income than your single parent hours currently allow.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I suppose it is time for me to get on this train. Don’t know if it is taking us anywhere, but I’ll get on never the less. First of all, I did not have a PA and I never met the man in person, but I did have an EA and nobody knew the difference until my H did expose me to a couple of people and then I later found out that it went to some others b/c you know, folks aren't going to keep their mouths shut. I understand why some people are so bitter b/c of the way their S have done them and I try to put myself in those shoes and understand how I would feel the same way.
I admit that I have changed my mind to a great degree after over a year of chasing Puppy around with a rolled up newspaper and getting nowhere. But, I still have a few issues with some of it and I seriously believe it is in the way that I was raised. I was taught that all problems between the M couple are to stay between the couple. It was to stay private and you did not go out talking about it to other people. I do not see me going out and exposing my H’s porn addiction to his place of employment; or that he masturbates instead of sleeping with his wife to his church; or his gambling habits to the neighbors; or if he flirts with the next-door neighbor to his or my family; or if he lies, cheats or any other “sin” that I think people should be alerted about. There are certain crimes, if done, then people should be alerted about--such as killing, steeling, kidnapping or molesting children, etc., but I think that is different. You are telling people about crimes for theirprotection. These are just a few examples, of course.
After reading Pup’s stitch and seeing where his M was leading to a D, regardless of how hard he tried to save the M, and I saw where he decided he would bust the affair--if he could not bust the divorce……that I can understand. I also can understand telling the spouse of the OP involved in the A (if there is a spouse of the OP, where in my case, there wasn't. But again, it wasn't right for me to have an EA, okay?). I can even understand telling family when the WS and OP are having an “open” affair before the entire world to see and they do not seem to care what anyone thinks. You feel you had rather be the one to tell your children and family members before they hear it from town gossip. I also had a change of mind when it was pointed out to me that keeping something like an affair from parents and your parents-in-law were seen as "lying by omission" and being disrespectful instead of “protecting” them, as I had mistakenly thought beforehand. I still believe that small children should be told only if it is absolutely necessary and be very careful how it is done.
Being a former almost WAW, I am sure that it would not have made me want to make love to a man that had exposed me to everyone. That is just “Sandi” talking and is not meant to imply that it would work that way with everyone. I know there has to be a lot of forgiveness on the part of the LBS, but it would also take a lot for a woman (I’ll let the WAH’s speak for themselves) to forgive her H for exposing her (and that is what some angry spouses need to consider). I’m just saying that instead of respecting my H more, it would have made me almost hate him if he had told one person more than whom he did!! I do not think I would have been able to ever go to bed with him again and I am pretty sure I would not have continued to live with him. So, in my case, the marriage would have ended immediately upon my finding out about the exposure.
One person asked what was the WAS going to do....go out an have an affair? No, but they sure as heck may not consider staying in the M, if that is the goal. Let’s be honest here. How many have had “successful” marriages after exposure? How many ended in divorce and how many are struggling to continue in the M? I’m not trying to be hurtful any more than some of you were by the things you said about WAW’s and their A’s. If you did expose and you have had success and everything is just peachy, then I’m glad....truly, I am. I’m not trying to “prove” that I’m right and somebody else is wrong....I’m just throwing in my two cents. Okay, maybe more than two.
Anyway, it is a touchy subject for a lot of people and always will be. I do hear some very harsh words coming from the mouths of one or two LBS. It certainly is not out of love and that makes me wonder if exposure is out of love or another emotion. I know when my H did what he did (and I’m not talking about confronting me....that is not what I am calling exposure) it was out of vindictiveness....not love. And no, neither was my EA out of love for him, but then I could talk for hours on that one topic alone, and you don’t want me to do that!
I think to sum it up, we have to ask ourselves, am I doing what I am doing out of love for my spouse? If we feel vengeance, hatred, anger, or any other wrong feeling toward him/her, then we need to examine our own heart before exposing somebody else’s heart. This is with the understanding that you want to save the M. If you are through with them once and for all and want to hurt them as badly as you have been hurt......then by all means, go for blood.
This is not pointing fingers at any person(s). I have learned and I hope to continue as I stay here. Hopefully, I've said some little tidbit that might cause another person to think, also.
Take care everyone, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Divorce-busting is simple: the affair is a symptom of a strained marriage. Work on the marriage. It's between the two of you. Don't involve other people. Don't chase, don't panic, don't expose the affair. Work on yourself, make yourself the most attractive, well-grounded, stong, healthy and winesome person possible. Chances are you might get your spouse's attention and they might want to return to the marriage. Exposure seems to betray fearful, weak, and angry emotions, and that is unattractive.
Well that isn't an easy task. That's why, I think, even on these DB boards, most of the attempts to save the marriage fail.
The LBS, when there is an EA/PA, is often shattered. If you read the last few posts, Hoosier's life has been gutted and destroyed. Like many of us, she may be stuggling with anxiety, depression, lonliness, a sense of abandonment, deep feelings of rejection, inadequacy and low-self image. Her community has, almost overnight, evaporated.
It's a very tall order to tell someone, more or less, to single-handedly address this issue. Yes, as Americans, we all, to some degree believe in rugged individualism, and a rags-to-riches, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps abilitiy in each one of one to completely transform ourselves.
It's real hard.
I think exposre is often a cry for help from the larger community. It's a hopeful, but often ineffective attempt to inject accountability and meaning into this situation.
I'm backing off the idea myself. At least in terms of outside the legal situation. I'm beginning to distance myself emotionally, and the pain of the betrayal, loss of trust, and loss of respect in my WAW is starting to come. I still hold faith in my marriage, and I'm wearing my wedding band off and on... but I'm sometimes confused as to why I choose to.
I'm going to focus on myself and my children, my WAW is engaged in a campaign of building support through telling lies about me, which would be fine if she also wasn't trying to push it into a courtroom setting pretending I'm abusive.
The fact she is doing so because of an A is relevant to me, but might not be relevant to everyone. Some mutual friends I've told (who were her friends first) jumped to my side, and some jumped to her side and made excuses for her.
In the end, their support isn't going to matter in our M. And as long as she continues her A, there isn't much I can do outside of working on myself, taking care of my children, and making positive changes that someone will benefit from - even if it isn't her.
Knowing about the A myself has helped tremendously, because I'm sure many a WAW dump all their problems on the LBS as if everything is their fault, and leave confusion in their wake. If I hadn't been through this before, I'd probably have wallowed around in self-pity.
Even though I saw OM/W together one night, saw him sneaking out the back of my house, when I confronted her and she told me that I was imagining things - I accepted that. Because I trusted her, because I loved her.
Friends/Family have the same blinders on. Everyone makes the argument that W isn't "the type" to have an A. There isn't a type. Nobody goes into a M planning on it. It happens, for whatever reason. There is no justification - but it is reality.
Many of us who are LBS (maybe not most of the men) are still willing to do whatever we can to save the M - but by the time WAS leaves, they are already set in what they want to do.
Our life? House, jobs, cars, 3 kids, and building a family. What is she leaving for? Deadbeat OM who lives with his parents, used to deal drugs, is an alcoholic, has no money, and isn't interested in kids.
I can't explain why W would choose that... her goals in life were to have kids and start a family and be a mother and W. The reality of that situation hit her after she had our D(1), and now she's been running to the fantasy that escapes the life she chose. The OM who represents no responsibility, fun, and basically "freedom" from the shackles of responsibility.
Meanwhile... life continues for me. Shaken, but not broken. I continue day to day providing for my children, cleaning, cooking, preparing a home. WAW is intent on dragging me down with her, but I don't understand why. I told her I didn't care if she was having an A, I still wanted us to work together for D(1). She can't accept that... she needs it to be my fault... she needs me to be abusive... she needs me to not change. She even told me when she left "I don't want you to change." I told her I would make whatever changes I wanted to for myself. Ultimately my children will benefit, because even if I'm not cut out to be an H right now, I can be a good father. These are the things I can control.
I can't control what she does. Exposing it might end it, might not. Some people will run to her side no matter what, because she can justify it by saying I was abusive. I wasn't. But she's always been someone people trusted, someone people counted on.
So... thinking it through, I just want to focus on me, my S(7/8), and my D(1). I'll be fine. I deserve better than she has given us, my children deserve better. I'm not going to kiss her b*tt to get her to come back. If she wants to come back, she can approach me, but I'm going to make a determination based on what is best for our kids.
She's burned the trust, the respect, and the goodwill that she literally spent years working on - all through a selfish act of immaturity. An A isn't innocent. But it isn't my place to judge her outside of the boundaries I want to establish...
I just wrote a book, and it is probably off-topic, but I'd appreciate any comments.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Excellent points brought forward on both sides of this topic.
To expose or not?
It is a very personal choice. I have pondered it many, many times---but each time I have always decided not to expose--completely. Some friends and family do know, our kids know--but I have never "outed" them to the OWH or her family. I have no idea if the OWH knows or not. I really don't care.
Why? When I first posted---I recieved alot of advice regarding exposure and asking my H to leave in order for him to respect me. It was good heartfelt advice, but I know that it wouldn't work for me. I believe that my H is in MLC---that he wouldn't know whether to respect me or not from one moment to the other. He is that flaky right now. I do what I do for ME---not for the marriage or for my H.
I would like my H to recommit to our R, but he will have to make that decision. I truly feel that exposure would not sway him one way or the other. I feel that exposure would only cause more pain. He needs to work this out on his own and come to his own decision. I am able to live with him, but it is on MY terms and he knows it.
Do what feels right for YOU------it takes alot of thought, and don't be surprised if you change your mind at some point. I have flip-floped repeatedly--but always came down on the same ground.
You can always decide to expose when if feels right for you, but you can't take back the exposure if it REALLY wasn't what you wanted to begin with.
2for
M: 54 H: 55 M: 32 yrs S: 26 S: 25 Bomb 1: 10/07 Bomb 2: 05/08 Piecing: 2010 Bomb 3: 9/2017 Piecing 2: 2018 to present "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"
Your wife started a war, filed for divorce, lied about you and is trying to make you out to be abusive.
Some if this is fuel by the "high" of the affair.
Some of it is a character issue.
She's made this public. In some sense you have no choice.
Be wise regarding legal issues. Protect yourself and your children.
I don't know much about OM, except that he might represent a "wild", "dangerous" or passionate male figure to her. The classic bad boy. Drug-dealers may not be nice, but they sure must be interesting. Think about it, who makes TV specials about us, the boring, middle-class men who struggle to keep their marriages together? Danger and recklessness trigger attraction. He makes her feel alive again. Nice little forbidden romance, eh?
Your role has been relegated to being the stable, boring guy: working 9-5, taking care of the kids, cleaning and cooking.
