My second thread is locked, and this is a good opportunity to start a new thread and new part of my life.
A short recap of what happened since the bomb:
My W dropped the bomb on Nov 11 telling me that she wanted a D and that she wanted to move back to Germany with the kids. She had an EA with OM in Germany, which explains why she wanted to go back to Germany.
After weeks of no progress, I finally asked her to go to Retrouvaille with me. The weekend was scheduled for Feb 13-15 and included V-day. After a couple of days of thinking, she decided to give it/us/me another chance, even though she knew she had to end the EA for us to go there. She did end it sometime between X-mas and New Year's. She told me that she joined me for the weekend to improve our R, not to save our M. She did not want an ugly divorce. All she wanted was to protect the kids and get a friendly co-parenting agreement with me.
During the weeks leading up to the Retrouvaille weekend, we made little to no progress. We treated each other in a friendly and civil way, but we had no trust for each other. We hardly talked, and fortunately I was away from home 4 days every week.
So we finally went to Retrouvaille last weekend (more in my next post), and a miracle happened. Retrouvaille saved me, I went through changes that I never thought possible and that I had denied myself for many, many years. We now have a very realistic chance to save our M.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
So I am finally ready to write down some of the details from our Retrouvaille weekend:
The Retrouvaille weekend was scheduled to start at 8pm on Friday night. We left home shortly after 6pm to drop off our kids at a friend's house and drove on to the retreat center. It is really only a 30-minute drive, so we arrived pretty early and had enough time to put our bags into our room and check out the facilities. There were a lot of tense faces, but nothing really extraordinarily bad. Still I thought we were the couple with the biggest problems and distance between them.
Even though I had tried to tell myself again and again and again to have no expectations, I was still hoping that sometime between Saturday lunchtime and Saturday night I would hear words of apology, the admittance of some of her mistakes or at least some kind of sign that she was really trying to rediscover me this weekend. I was hoping Retrouvaille would break her.
The couple that started the weekend was a couple from Canada that had replaced the couple that runs Retrouvaille for our area, because the wife was sick. I was kind of disappointed, because I thought after talking to the husband before we had registered that he was very empathetic and had the right attitude that would hopefully make an impact on my wife. Little did I know...
Friday night was pretty uneventful. I observed her every once in a while and saw a face that looked like she was hearing what was being said, but she was not really listening, let alone being affected by it. At the end, we went to bed wishing each other a good night.
When we woke up on Saturday, she took a shower first and I put my V-day card next to her bed. She found it while I was showering, and when I came out of the bathroom, she said a friendly thank you. I had brought more, but I did not want to give that to her before Saturday night.
During the first session on Saturday morning, we were asked to write things down about ourselves individually. I wrote a lot of things about myself, but did not really comprehend what I was writing down. I could identify my personal childhood with the story the husband of the presenting couple was telling. It was actually the Canadian couple again. I could see his pain and he had to stop a few times and use a tissue. I was very touched by his story, and my eyes became watery as well.
The session went by and my expectations took over again. I observed my W and was almost getting angry. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest and did not seem impressed at all. I started looking forward to hearing more from the Canadian couple.
During the afternoon, we went outside. My wife started walking fast as though she was running away from me. We did not have an argument, but all the friendliness was gone. I lost hope at that point. What I did notice after the break was that my wife seemed more relaxed, the arms were on her lap, and she also seemed a little friendlier in the letters she wrote to me. But while I saw a lot of the other couples walking around holding hands, she actually rejected me when I tried. There was no real progress, so at the end of the day, I pulled my last ace out of my sleeve (I thought) and gave her a box of chocolates and a necklace. She seemed touched, but her feelings did not change.
Sunday morning started with the Canadian couple again, and it was my turning point. All of a sudden, I saw my behavior for what it was (I had written it down 24 hours early and was shocked when I read it again), I realized what was driving it and what pain it caused to my wife and children. If somebody had asked me last week if I had had a happy childhood I would have answered yes without hesitation. But after dwelling on the story I had heard on Saturday morning and connecting it with my childhood, I realized the emotional abuse, the feelings of guilt everywhere, and the physical and emotional abuse of my brother I had to observe. I realized that I operated the same way, I used guilt to control others (just like my mother) and whenever I feel guilty, I accuse others of controlling me. I realized the behavior patterns going on between my parents and how my mother had substituted me for her husband (not sexually - we essentially had an EA), how she pushed me to be more successful than my father and how I was doing the same thing to S8. I did not get abused physically, because I was an A+ student and could easily meet her expectations, but I saw the images in my mind how she yelled at and beat my brother for falling below her standards.
The worst part that caused my M to fail up to now was not really that I had to live through this, but that I had locked every emotion and memory of my childhood away. I had never told anyone about this, yet it was driving all my actions and behavior. When I finally told my wife on Sunday, she changed completely. I cried, she hugged and held me. I felt broken open like the bud of a flower.
From then on, everything changed for us. With every minute that we sat in that room and listened to the couples telling their stories, we moved closer to each other. In the end, we decided to attend mass. At the end of mass, I could hardly control myself because I started thinking about everything that had happened. In an incredible twist of fate, the story of this Canadian couple had given me the strength to open my heart to the most special person in my life. I began to think this must be God's way of showing me the right way. After mass, I hardly made it to our room before I started crying uncontrollably and used up all the remaining tissues. My wife held me and just said "I have never seen you cry". It was the most emotional 5 minutes, and we just kept hugging each other.
On our way out, we ran into the Canadian couple again, and both of us felt compelled to tell them an abbreviated version of our story. I can only thank them for being there, telling their story and supporting us. I do not want to diminish anything the other two couples and everybody else who supported that weekend did. I am sure a lot of others were as touched as I was by their stories. We went home and picked up our kids. After our kids went to bed, we kept talking. We said good night to each other, and 10 minutes later my wife started talking again. We both slept only a few hours and continued talking all Monday, holding hands, holding each other. We dialogue every day, and we both enjoy it. I am looking forward to the first post-session on Sunday and I think she is, too.
I guess in the end it was the last few minutes of the entire weekend when things truly turned around. We are still not there, the trust on her side has not been rebuilt, and there are still a lot of things that could go wrong. But I think we both are cautiously optimistic about our marriage. I feel blessed and honored to have met my wife and accept her love, patience and all her other qualities as a gift.
God bless! AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Wow! It is amazing how one couple's story can affect you. We had 2 couples on our weekend who seemed to be talking directly to us. The third couple we couldn't relate to at all! But that is what makes the experience so powerful; it is so personal. Congratulations on all your progress. I think you will find the Post sessions continue to be really helpful.
Its so refreshing to hear a story like this. I teared up reading your story. I too have recently discovered how the emotional abuse from my past has effected the falling apart of my M. I commend you for being able to "go there" Its hard and frustrating but rewarding all at the same time. Ive been working on getting over these things from the past for the last 2 months and I cant tell you the difference in me. Ive been able to recognize my bad behaviors and change them and learn how to be at peace with my parents. It sounds like you and your W have a real chance and that is wonderful. I think I pushed my H to the limit. He is aware of my discoveries from the past and is glad I have figured it out, but for him there has been "too much damage" for us to repair anything. Unfair if you ask me...but its his decision
Anyway I didnt intend to make this post about me, I just wanted to say that i am very happy for you and way to go!
AN...that was so honest and open of you to share that with us. I am overjoyed for you that you could experience such powerful healing for yourself...and that you can have new hope for your marriage.
My H would say his childhood was great, etc etc...and yet all that he endured is the poison in our family now. I pray that God could touch him the same way he touched you...to open your eyes like that to the truth you buried inside yourself.
Yes, listening to or reading other couple's stories can be a real eye-opener (or heart-opener). It is still so unreal to me how I was able to recognize how my childhood experiences created my behavior patterns of today. And every time I go through my story in my mind, when I talk to my W or writing it down, I discover something new.
My W has opened up since Sunday night as well. She has told me things from her childhood as well (much less dramatic than mine). And she identified her role in this drama as well. She tried to rescue me time and time again. She tried to protect me from myself.
My W told me that it is not the pain from the past that she cannot get over. She has pretty much put that behind her. Her biggest obstacle to trusting me and herself again is that she is afraid we assume the same roles again when some of the intensity of our experience has worn off. She told me this morning that she thinks she has been playing this role every once in a while in our conversations since Sunday. I validated this, and I said maybe we both need to give each other more space to deal with this, we need to stop trying to solve each other's problems, and we need to start just listening, not offering solutions or filling in the gaps, just asking questions when you do not understand and validating.
I hope some of this will come up in the post-sessions. I am also planning to discuss this with my IC. I really want make this work once and for all.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Well, everyone told me I'd be exhausted on Sunday night, and they were right. What a weekend!
We arrived Friday about 7:30, and we started at 8 and didn't wrap up until 11 o'clock. Saturday morning started at 7:15, and we didn't finish up until after 10 o'clock Saturday night. NO breaks (other than lunch), and some pretty heavy stuff. Our moods were all over the place: on Friday, I was excited and hopeful, and the fetching Mrs. Puppy was as tense and grouchy as I had EVER seen her. Not a word spoken on the 50-minute drive to the hotel. Arms folded, silent and tense during the first few sessions. Then on Saturday, I was frustrated and it was my wife who was bucking ME up, encouraging me to stay with it. By Saturday night, we were BOTH so frustrated, exhausted and disillusioned by our seemingly no progress that we were ready to pack our bags and head home and blow off all of Sunday (scheduled to end at Sunday about 5pm). We agreed to give it until lunchtime, I prayed about it, and Sunday morning this was in my daily "What the Lord is Saying Today" e-mail:
February 22, 2009. A new day is dawning. Today I am watching the sun rise as the skies brighten from its rays. Birds and winds seem first to respond to the light. My own heart is brightened to think of this new beginning. As I prayed these are the words the Lord gave. Rise up, child of mine and reach for the skies. I sang over you as you slept last night. My own heart is set on blessing you today with this new day. My mercy is fresh for you today. All My promises are "yes and amen." My visions caught by your spirit are coming to pass just as they were given you. Fret not for I am on your side. Boldly step out onto the waters of your dreams. Take the leap of faith. Move those mountains that resist My lordship into the sea. Call forth My Mountain of holiness, power and love. A new day is dawning. Numbers 10:35 "Whenever the ark set out, Moses said, Rise up, Lord; let Your enemies be scattered; and let those who hate You flee before You." Ras Robinson
(emphasis mine)
I was struck by this, because a friend of mine who had been through a Retrouvaille weekend, and who had been praying HARD for us, had sent this 7-word e-mail to me on Friday:
"Leap of faith, Pup . . . leap of faith."
I opened the Bible in my hotel room this morning and it fell open to this page, and these words (I can't find the verse now):
"Return and be healed."
I showed it to my wife, plus the e-mail, and we both felt that we needed to not quit what we started, and see what the morning would bring.
It was an incredible turnaround, full of tears, prayer, and a re-commitment to try our best to meet each other's needs and give our marriage everything we had. After lots of hugs with some newfound friends, and a promise to see them all for the follow-up sessions, we headed home.
I fully believe that we would have left, if not for the prayers of all of you, other friends, family, and people within the Retrouvaille program who were specifically praying for us. We even got a card and a handwritten note from a couple whose job it was all week TO PRAY SPECIFICALLY JUST FOR ME AND MRS. PUP! I was touched beyond words, that you would all care so much about us -- most of all these complete strangers -- to pray for us and our marriage. We felt like "If all of these people weren't giving up on us, then who were we to quit?", and I shared that thought in the group sharing time with everyone. When I spoke about our frustration, and near-packing-it-in Saturday night, another couple spoke up after me and said that they had gone so far as to have their bags IN THEIR CAR Friday night, when they had decided to stay.
I'm exhausted and need to get some sleep, but I wanted to give you all an update. We still have a long road ahead of us, but we feel more hope than we have had during any of our other fits-and-starts over the years, and CERTAINLY more hope than at any point in the past two traumatic years.
Only prayer, and God Himself moving, has gotten us thru, I am convinced. Thank you all for praying for us, and please KEEP us in your prayers in the critical weeks and months ahead.
Sorry I didn't post sooner, but I am so glad that you took something wonderful away from your weekend. For me I believe it was one of the most profound experiances that I have had. Its not a cure, but it helps, it helps to teach you to talk to each, and really do it! Keep along this road and it can only help you whatever the outcome of your marriage.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I'm happy that you've found such profound insight into yourself and that and your W seem to be on track toward working together. It's amazing how some discoveries about ourselves can change so much about how we see another person - or our lives...it's all a matter of perspective...and perspectives are, by nature, limited.
