I thought my wife was ready to take me back. But she is so confused and confusing that I don't know which way is up.
I didn't want the separation but she was beginning to hate me because for several years I just wallowed in my own depression and didn't maintain a steady income.
We separated and I guess she really thought the marriage was over so she found comfort with a man she dated before she and I met.
I came home after 6 months away because she was sick and I saw the opportunity to care for her and really establish myself again with her. I got a job the next day and cared for her while she was stuck in bed.
She ended the sexual part of the affair with her ex etc. But as soon as she began to feel better, she told me I moved in on her to fast and that she was not ready. She wanted me or her to move out again and take more time to rebuild our relationship with the main focus on ME establishing myself and taking good care of myself without her help. I agreed to that because it makes sense.
The part that stung was that she told me she will continue being friends with her ex-BF that became the OM but there would be no more affair. I find that to be unacceptable and made it known.
She had been very sweet and seemingly willing to work on us until I started making my needs known. Then she started really backing away fast and furiously.
If I keep my mouth shut, she cares for me and we get along great and we both see potential but when I ask for anything she turns into a porcupine and hurts me.
On Valentines day she planned a day with a girlfriend but when she came home the next day she fell apart in my arms and told me that she had just lied to me for the first time in our relationship and that I was a wonderful man and she does not deserve me. I let her cry and she told me that she went to get her "stuff" from the OM's house but ended up staying the night watching a movie. There was no sex and I know this for a fact, however she lied and confessed and I think that even though she has feelings for him the affair is over.
I took this as meaning that all her BS was over but when I started asking what her confession meant, she started backing up again.
She has agreed to marriage therapy, she has agreed to check out another city with me and I have given her 2 more months to decide to commit to the saving of our marriage or I will leave again and that will be it.
My take on this whole thing is this:
She wants to be my wife She feels guilty She does not trust that my personal changes are real She is waiting for me to prove it all to her
It felt like I was looking into the future when I read your post. My W and I have been separated for 3 months, and already I can see how my W is filled with so much self-hatred and guilt that I don't know if she'll be able to forgive herself and come back to our M.
As for your sitch, you have to get her to agree to no contact and total transparency with OM. Until she does that, it's going to be incredibly difficult for you to start piecing your M back together, if not impossible. She needs to decide what's more important: Her M or her "friendship" with OM. If she picks the OM, then if I were you I'd go dark again.
And while she may not have had intercourse with the OM on V-day, I guarantee you that there was some inappropriate sexual conduct. She's not over him. And the only way she will be is if she cuts off ALL contact with him and goes through withdraw. Right now you're still competing with this guy for her love and attention, and that's a competition that no married man or woman should have to take part in.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
It felt like I was looking into the future when I read your post. My W and I have been separated for 3 months, and already I can see how my W is filled with so much self-hatred and guilt that I don't know if she'll be able to forgive herself and come back to our M.
As for your sitch, you have to get her to agree to no contact and total transparency with OM. Until she does that, it's going to be incredibly difficult for you to start piecing your M back together, if not impossible. She needs to decide what's more important: Her M or her "friendship" with OM. If she picks the OM, then if I were you I'd go dark again.
And while she may not have had intercourse with the OM on V-day, I guarantee you that there was some inappropriate sexual conduct. She's not over him. And the only way she will be is if she cuts off ALL contact with him and goes through withdraw. Right now you're still competing with this guy for her love and attention, and that's a competition that no married man or woman should have to take part in.
I agree with ALL of this, esp. the Valentine's Day part. Wayward, fogged-out spouses will ALWAYS lie, and usually when they cop to something, it's one (or even two) notches LESS than what really happened.
Bariga, I think she's playing you. I think your coming back to care for her was honorable, and I commend you. But I think you need to chalk it up to "I did it because it was the RIGHT thing to do," and not suppose that it scored you any points to win your wife back.
actually I think she is really confused. Don't discount the fact that I am back in my house after 6 months away. We get along mostly well. You seem to discount that I have made progress from a dead marriage to a sick marriage. I tried to get her to cut ties with him but for now she will not. What I am looking for is a way to convince her to from the position I am in now. If I go throwing around ultimatums, that only causes her to put up resistance and I am back to square one.
I would lay out MY BOUNDARIES, not ultimatums to HER.
And if that caused "resistance," then so be it. Boundaries, by definition, are markers of personal integrity that you CANNOT ABIDE due to your own moral code and emotional health. So, they are either dealbreakers or they are not. Apparently, her continuing to carry on with this guy, while she lives with you, is not a dealbreaker, and that's fine. Only YOU can know for yourself what those are -- we can't tell you what they should be.
I personally could not do that for any length of time, and "causing resistance," quite honestly, never entered my decision-making process once I got past my very earliest days of DBing. Instead, I always strived for "Do the RIGHT THING in every situation; the thing that God Himself would want me to do if He were standing right in front of me."
PDT is right. Just tell her what you will not accept and go from there. I think it was a good sign that she admitted what she did to you. Remember, an EA to a woman is very strong. Ask any of the WAWs on the forums. It'll take her awhile to come to terms with herself and what she did to you.
At least she was willing to take that step. My W had a strong EA with her boss which she keeps denying until I call her on it. Very hard to break.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
