I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[1853dave]

Hi all,

Tomorrow was supposed to be my D-day... fortunately we had mediation a few weeks ago, and I asked the mediator a few days ahead of time what to expect. She told me that I'd be in a room with my attorney, and she with her attorney in another room, and the mediator would mediate back and forth between rooms, regarding property, retirement, maintenance, etc... I told her that the only ones treating this like an adversarial divorce are the attorneys - my wife and I met at a school function two months earlier and we spoke with each other just fine! (There was a restraining order in place for about three months at the time.) I asked her if I could speak to my wife (with the mediator present) before we started the proceedings. She sounded doubtful, but she would ask. Mediation day came, and my wife accepted my offer to talk. I applied my best DB techniques - positive, happy attitude, had no blame, showed no anger, listened intently, accepted responsibility for my actions (she said I had anger and control issues - which everyone else I know finds surprising, including me!) and within minutes she was admitting that she might have been reacting wrongly to certain things in the past, etc... I asked that she consider putting the divorce off for a few months or so while we figured out where we were going with all of this, and long story short, it was pushed out to October. This bought me some time.

My bomb was dropped on November 3rd, which included a restraining order preventing me from having contact with her (or my two daughters (ages 3 and 8 at the time) at all. No contact whatsoever. This resulted from a spirited discussion regarding money (and a lot of it is missing...) and I intended, I told her, to find out where all of this money was going. Hence the restraining order - a convenient tool to hide behind.

So, I have not lived with the family since November, and the restraining order was lifted about 3 weeks ago - so I have not had much contact time. I do see my wife when I pick up my girls on Sunday for the day, and when we return; also I see her on Mondays and Fridays while I watch the little one while the wife is in school.

I met with a DB counselor about a month ago; my wife met with the same counselor just yesterday (finally!) - we are planning to have a meeting with her as a couple soon - hopefully this week. My wife is very reluctant to say a word about our situation at all, unless it will be in front of the counselor. She seems to be holding out for that.

I have seen a few steps that are in my favor: First off, she did agree to postpone the divorce. She is always very pleasant to me. I'm falling in love with her all over again...but she is still stand-offish. She did agree to go to the counselor, both alone and together (I *forgot* to tell her that Susie is a "DivorceBusting" counselor!) She invited me to come over for dinner on my birthday so I could share it with the kids. I wasn't sure if I should have done this, but I gave her a Valentine's Day gift, with some locally made chocolates (her favorite), and included a not-overly romantic card and wrote in it that I was sorry if I was pressuring her about the relationship, and that I am learning how to do this all over again, and that I'm here for her if she needs me...and she actually kissed me and thanked me for the gift!

However, other than that, she does not hug me, even though I might be holding one of the girls on my lap when she leaves for school and goes through the good-bye kissing routine...she kisses D4 and D9 and skips me altogether. She shows no other affection. She moved the two girls into the master bedroom and she moved herself into a smaller bedroom. She told me "I don't want you to think I'm moving you out, but I traded rooms with the girls..." Everything that was mine ended up boxed up in the garage or storage months ago - unless it was useful to her (dishes, TV, furniture) in which case she is "keeping" them in the house. So, she already basically moved me entirely out.

I feel as though I am the convenient babysitter - I am there to watch the girls when she has to go to school. I have arranged my hours at work to do this. It works out OK, but I wonder if I am just being used. Last Fri her 2nd class was cancelled, so she got home early. She sounded very happy about having a short day - and then she told me that I could leave now and go to work early, as though she was doing me a favor. I don't think she meant it to be that way, but what I got out of it was, "I'm home now, and I don't need you as a babysitter anymore, so you are no longer useful to me, so you can go now." She calls the place "hers" - today I was helping clean up after dinner, and she told me to "stop cleaning my (her) kitchen". Man, I really had to bite my tongue... I seem to recall buying the condo BEFORE we were married. Much of the stuff in the condo was mine BEFORE we were married...she brought almost no property into the marriage - yet now magically EVERYTHING is "hers".

I am very displaced in my life right now. All I want to do is to go home. I'm doing my best, and it doesn't seem as though she's trying to do anything at all. She is always "too busy" for me it seems - a complaint of mine from the past. She seems comfortable being separated. I'd rather see her actively working towards this reconciliation. I know she needs some time...but we've been apart for 3-1/2 months....and getting bad advice from her "friend" who has nothing to lose in all of this. Michelle's books explain all of this perfectly.

So, I will stick with the DBing as best as I can. I just wish I had a crystal ball to figure out how long all of this is going to take. I hope to have more info after we have our couples counseling with the DB councelor. I really didn't think I was pressuring her - I have not been calling her - in fact, I let her call me instead. I have not dropped by the home at all unless I was expected. No letters, cards, only one e-mail about financial stuff. I can't believe she felt pressured.

Please keep the ideas and good advice flowing. I think Divorce Busting is the best shot I have for turning this crisis around!



Me 46
W 45
D4
D8
M 9 yrs
Bomb Nov 3, 2008

[CushKart]

Duuuude! She Postponed the D! That's a good sign if I ever saw one! Keep it up, don't get discouraged. It seems to me like her attitude is kind of a front. Whatever you're doing now, is working..... Baby Steps. I think the postponement skipped the crawling phase and went straight into baby steps. You da man!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dave,

Is there any background anywhere on your sitch?

I'm always glad to see a marriage saved, even if it's just for now.

Puppy

[1853dave]

Thanks for the support! This was my first post, so I don't have a background listed anywhere.

My wife was the textbook WAW - I could not believe when I read DB how Michelle described everything that happened! I honestly thought this past summer that things have gotten much better for us - in reality she was indeed planning her escape.

I'm a good guy, a family man, no addictions, no infidelity, supportive of her in all ways (she's now a nursing student, which I have supported time-wise and financial wise, as she is a stay at home mom); if I am not at work, I am home with the family, we have two awesome daughters and a dog...

One of her complaints has been that I was "very controlling" - we had a child & family investigator get involved in our situation, because her attorney came up with some alleged wrongdoings between my children and I....as it turned out, I was absolutely cleared of everything. I think this was simply an attempt to smear me - her attorney is a real shark (I have different names for her) but she used to be a judge here in town but was fired because of her unethical practices...no kidding. With my luck, it turns out that she is a friend of a friend of my wife's, so she didn't shop around, she just picked the first one... We never needed attorneys, we needed counseling! So, here we are, nearly $35,000 poorer (second mortgage) trying to recover.

I believe her "control" issue stemmed from my managing the finances. We are living only on one income, which MUST be managed to survive; I managed to get our mortgage payment lowered, we got rid of ALL of our debts, and managed to built a savings of nearly $10K over the past 7 years or so... I have been wanting to move out of the small condo, with the neighbors on every wall, and get a house with a yard for the kids and dog, a 2-car garage, the D9 wanted to have a garden...but I noticed this past year that she was not interested... She never stopped me from looking, but she never showed interest. I agreed with her that our daughter could still attend the same school, etc...even though there was a school 2 blocks away from the neighborhood where we had been looking...but whatever.

Our arguments would stem from me checking the bank accounts and seeing her pulling out $1800 - $2000 a month from the joint account and putting it into her own account - she claimed it was for "groceries". OK, so we are a family of 4, we don't eat fancy at all, two fit adults with a D4 and a D8 who don't eat much...yet we need to spend $2K a month on groceries??? She insisted that "all the moms pay that much", and I disagreed, as we are spending nearly twice our mortgage payment on groceries per month!?!?! She would explode into a fight, etc, and I would then withdraw, you all know the pattern... I now believe she has been hiding escape money in a friend's bank account (the friend of the attorney...!). Back in November, in a financial orders hearing, my wife had to admit in court that she was hiding credit cards from me - to the tune of $6500! And I thought we had no debts! There has been absolutely NOTHING to show for it! She claimed it was money used to "make ends meet" - her words on the stand! So, it appears to me now that our little family of four needs about $2600 a month just for groceries! Can you feel my frustration yet??? BTW, I never saw the credit card statements, because although they were in her name, they went to this same "friend's" address! Nice, huh?

Talk about betrayal.... I thought she was real big on honesty and openness, and I have never lied or deceived her in any way, and never expected her to deceive me ever. I am pretty hurt by all of this, and feel very betrayed. I'm not normally an angry person, but after all of this, I really have to keep things in check, and it is most difficult. I have had a job continuously since I was 15 yrs old - 30 yrs ago - and I feel as though at this point I have absolutely nothing to show for it. She wants to boot me out with nothing but the shirt on my back. I'm a good guy, and I really don't deserve this.

In the past she has presented with low self esteem, had an eating disorder (ED) many years ago, and I wonder if she is still on the fence about her ED... she still has some of the symptoms, yet appears to be pretty healthy. I know people wiith an ED psychologically have control issues, as well as low self esteem, and can make very irrational decisions.

We have had a great 9-1/2 years of marriage, in my opinion, with a few imperfections; we have a great history, we do a lot of family things, and get along well. I don't see what she sees in all of this - she believes that if we disagree, that we need to discuss the issues until the earth stops spinning until you convince the other spouse that one of you is right and the other is wrong (another ED trait - called black and white thinking). She always believed that our marriage is no good if we argue. She thinks we need to like more of the same things. I tell her that our core values are what matter most, as well as our character - not who voted for who, etc... Now that I type this, I can recall many instances of her black and white thinking. Either you are right or wrong - good or bad - no in between...

Funny thing, I believe we have an awful lot in common, with the same beliefs, and likes. She is probably not focused on those right now.

So, I guess our marriage was saved - at least for now - Thanks, I didn't look at it that way! Today would have been D-day...but it is not for me!

So, I haven't had much face to face with her, except for the past three weeks...so I haven;t had much opportunity to experiment to see what is working favorably, and what is a "cheeseless tunnel". As I find more, I'll post more.

And, if you are new to the forum, and are reading this right now, get a copy of DivorceBusting or Divorce Remedy RIGHT NOW and start reading! I am probably one of the lucky ones who discovered Michelle's teachings in time to start making repairs rather than doing more damage to the relationship. I still don't understand what in the heck is going on, but I can already identify some things I need to avoid doing, in my situation, in order to not push her away. BTW, I am still learning...

As always, I am open to new ideas and advice, and just support in general...!

Thanks everyone!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks for the background, Dave -- that helps.

How long ago did she start with the "you're controlling" complaints? How long ago did the bank withdrawals start?

What/who was she trying to escape to?

Puppy

[1853dave]

Well, I didn't every hear the complaints of me being controlling until we started down the divorce path - we each were interviewed by the child-family investigator, and her report indicated a thread of complaints that I was controlling... Also, her "discovery request" answers (the tool the attorneys use to dig up dirt on each others' client) were full of finger pointing, indicating how controlling I was. In fact, under the part where they ask about any hospital visits (I think they are looking for domestic violence info here) she stated that for other than childbirth, the only other office visit she had was with an eye surgeon for lasic surgery, which she claims I made her get against her will!!! OK, it wasn't a boob job, it was vision correction surgery so she could actually see things without her glasses or contacts, because without them she was blind as a bat. Now her vision is amazingly perfect! We do things with the kids, go swimming, etc, without a contact lens catastrophe or any other problems! I thought it was a gift of love - but apparently it was just "controlling me" wanting to have my way with her eyes.... See, I am such a jerk!

I think a lot of the control claims came about because of money - she always called it "your money" and I called it "our money". I never withheld any of it from her - she has always had full accesss to ALL of our money. I don't mind spending money, as long as we aren't wasteful, but smart about it. She is certainly more loose with it than I am, but I never told her she could not spend money - in fact, I tell her all the time that if she needs or wants something, just go buy it. Don't get crazy, but if you need something, go buy it!

Now we are in a temporary position where she is receiving temp maintenance and child support from me, and for a change SHE has to pay the bills... Just yesterday I saw her clipping coupons - she has rarely done that before - so maybe she's seeing how important it is to manage your money and work within your budget. I think before she didn't really have a clue as to how much things cost (bills, mortgage, utilities, etc.) other than groceries, because I paid for everything, and she paid for groceries. Maybe now she's getting the idea...

The bank withdrawals went back to about 1-1/2 years ago, I believe - perhaps more than that; the hidden credit cards began in December of 2007 - just over a year ago. BTW since we were in the process of reconciliation (or attempting to, anyway) we agreed that she would no longer use them, and they were paid off by our home equity line of credit - so hopefully those will be a thing of the past. I saw that as a positive point, as she was immediately agreeable to getting rid of them.

Escape? I believe to escape from the awful marriage to me. There is nobody else (this is a fact, and I am relieved at that). She fits the WAW profile - I am the source of all of her sadness and complaints, so getting rid of me solves everything, right?

Dave

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, I didn't every hear the complaints of me being controlling until we started down the divorce path . . .

Yep -- thought so.

I'd be shocked if there were no one else, dating back to when she started withdrawing and squirreling away your joint funds. The "controlling" thing is VERY much affair "script," and I in fact started a whole thread on this subject once, and it drew a lot of spirited discussion and examples of just how common it is!

Puppy

[1853dave]

Thanks Puppy....

Well these is no one else... I was given that idea some time ago, and dismissed it, and then reconsidered it, but she never showed the classic signs of seeing someone else. Plus, with our two girls, she's busy enough, and wouldn't have time without me noticing....unless she's REALLY REALLY sneaky... Believe me, I have considered this possiblility too, but the other day she told me her friends have told her "you're still young, you'll find someone else..." and she told me that she was not interested in looking, she's busy with school and the two kids. This DOES fit the wife I know.

I understand what you're saying, though... but I am very confident she is not seeing anyone else.\

I had a meeting with my therapist this afternoon (she's not a DB counselor, but one I went to when my bomb was dropped) - she enlightened me onto something interesting. She recognizes that my wife is somewhat passive, and sometimes has trouble making decisions on her own. I however, make decisions often in my job and my life, and can plan solutions to problems rather quickly and definitely (especially if it is in my field of expertice). This approach works well in my career, but with my passive wife it is probably (or likely) seen as controlling behavior! Now I see where the "controlling" perception came from. I need to turn it off at home (unless the house is on fire) and use it only at work. This way my wife can feel empowered to help with the decision-making, something that has probably been missing for quite some time. We have some decisions to make pretty soon about finances and other stuff, and that would be a good time to deploy my new knowledge, and let her really get involved in the planning. She often relinquished decision-making to me, as though she didn't really care about things, but maybe she did, and just resigned herself to the "fact" that I would make the final decision.

I wish I knew that years ago...

[Sara]

That quirky little habit of spending money you don't have doesn't just go away. You should make a habit of checking your credit report regularly and make sure no new credit cards have appeared in either of your names.

[1853dave]

Yes Sara... She's done well in the past with money (until more recent times), but you are right - the habit doesn't go away, or at least it is hard to break.

I have done recent checks on the credit reports and there is nothing new....her cards did appear, but no new ones. When the time is right, I'll see if she closed the accounts or just paid them off.

I spoke with her this morning, and she sounded good and we had a nice conversation regarding the kids, and what to do Saturday (not my usual day with the girls but D9 has a dance show she's in, so I was invited to take D4 for the day (I offered, and W liked the idea) so she (D4) wouldn't be bored with all of the pre-show rehearsals, etc. I will later take her to the show, so we will all be there as a family. Haven't done that in a long time... W sounded very positive with this idea. Was a good start to my day.

Not bugging her with phone calls, etc. seems to be good. I haven't been doing that anyway, so the very few times I ever call, she's always willing to talk to me. I also pick times when I am pretty sure she's available to talk for a few minutes. We talk about more than just what the plan of the day is, we talk about what each other did yesterday, how her school is going, how is so and so... At least our conversations have been pleasant. So far, so good...