Passive Agressive MLC Husband

[PositivelyMommy]

I thought I might try to get a better perspective from others who are well versed in the MLC arena so have started a thread here. I still have a thread in infidelity because H is still in the heat of his A but I think I need a lot of MLC veterans' help.

Jun 07 found out H had ONS that happened in Jan 07. He said he would take full responsibility but then refused to talk about it again. I tried to reach out to him but he was unreachable. Jul 07 H almost died from illness, I nursed him back to health. I told him I felt insecure, want to renew vows. We renew vows in Nov 07. Found out March 08 that he has had an affair with his direct report Jan 08 (two months after we renewed vows). Now figured out ONS was probably the same person and he had her in the wings continuing the A. Did not want to leave the comfort of the M until his R with her was secure. So when I found out in March 08, he said 'I love her' and he decided to leave our marital home. Pretext was to think things through, promised that he would keep away from her, lies, lies and more lies, even now.

We are both in IC with the same therapist but separately. IC is pro-M. No papers filed. No D talk...yet.

Emotions have calmed down a lot since then. I love the man I married but not the person who has done this to our families. Think he is in MLC amongst other things. H still in heat of A.

I am uncertain how I want to proceed. Don't know if I am wasting my time waiting for the man I love to see my good points again. Doing very well GAL, I am happy otherwise. No plans on moving onto another R.

IC believes most R that starts with an A ends badly. So he advises patience and GAL. I agree with him that his A will not be long term but don't know if that bodes well for my M as it is so badly damaged by his behavior and his continued betrayal and lying.

I want to save my M but not seeing any progress just kills my motivation. I know that MLC can last up to 5 years or more. I have read the six stages of MLC several times to tell myself to be more patient but want others' perspective on this and on his uncharacteristic behavior patterns.

[job]

PM,
You must take care of yourself in all areas of life. Please be sure to take care of your financials and assets for this man may opt to spend like crazy for a while.

It sounds like mlc, but can you tell us more about his behaviors?

As for the six stages of mlc...it's a tool, but do not read too much into the timelines as they vary from individual to individual. Each mlc is different, just as the individual is.

What are you doing for yourself? Getting plenty of rest, eating properly, exercising?

[PositivelyMommy]

Snodderly, thanks for your post. I am taking care of myself, thank you. I am surrounded by friends who love me and my kids. My family is far away but are very supportive of me emotionally. I exercise regularly and I am generally a pretty positive person. The original shock has worn off somewhat and I want to understand this alien who has taken away the man I loved.

H used to be a funny guy who loved to talk with me and until I found out about his A, he still had talked hours with me about his work and such but he has closed himself off from me now and hardly shares. He has always been careful with money but the first thing he does when I found out about A was to go spending. Expensive watch, new clothes. He didn't buy a sportscar yet but I know it's on his mind, he just doesn't want to get a huge loan on it. He is depressed most of the time, the light in his eyes have gone. His whole demeanor has changed in the last three or so years. He used to look handsome and happy but now not so much, more of a sneer than a smile. Lots of cutting sarcastic comments. Seeing the worst in everyone except for guys like him. E.g. He sympathizes with a guy in the paper who drove down the wrong way on a one-way street and hit a cyclist. The paper put the guy's photo in the paper and he is incensed for the guy, not for the cyclist!! WTH!?! He thinks the driver is the victim!! I think he thinks of himself this way, he is the one who had the A and is pulling our family apart but he sees himself as the victim. He never calls the kids during the week. He comes and sees them in the weekend but he gets mad if I leave to do my own thing. He wants to have the cake and eat it, he wants the A on the side but civil family time in the weekends.

He doesn't show me his back and forths. He has not altered his decision to separate. Our counsellor, who we see separately, thinks that he maybe regretting his decision a bit but I don't know, I have not seen any signs. I think he is still pretty much in fantasy-land with OW.

Because he is passive-agressive, he won't tell me when anything bothers him so I have to read his facial expressions, that's why I know he is mad that I leave the kids with him. But what is he expecting? If he is going to be single-dad, he'd have to get used to it! Bizarre. I think it's bizarre that he wants to hang out with his Mom and me. His Mom came to visit us last month, we were out for the day while the kids were at school, he calls up and joins us for lunch and the afternoon. WTH! It was all I could do to act 'as if' but I don't understand how he came to the conclusion that he can just join us and be comfortable with that.

Everything he thinks, feels, it's very self-oriented. He won't talk to neighbors because he doesn't see anything in it for him. I guess he is self-serving but more so recently than before. He has a successful career, a healthy family, loving wife but he is not happy. He didn't know why so he started getting some relief and escape from OW, his direct report. OW made him feel GREAT. His words were, 'She thinks I'm smart.' You see, all about him (not about her). Also, 'We were two hurt people getting together.' She is going thru her own D, apparently her H ran around on her behind her back. Yeah, I know what a B. I asked H if she feels at all guilty about breaking up our family, he said, 'I guess a little.'

I don't think my H has thought things through at all. I think he wanted me to leave him and be rid of me forever. But I did the opposite and stayed and stated to him that I want our family unit together and forgives him. Well, he fled for the hills.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

PM,

Don't know if I am wasting my time waiting for the man I love to see my good points again.

So what you're saying is that if he comes out of it, and wants to be married and is remorseful and repentant...then its worth it...otherwise It is not.

Make sense...

It's selfish but it make sense. We should be selfish. But to say this is a waste of time if they don't wake up...ummmmmm...NO!

I see alot of him, and he did this and he did that, and that's cool...but what did you do do to hurt your marriage as well?

BTW way if you say you were perfect, good luck with your marriage.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Jack,

thanks for your comments. No I am definitely NOT a perfect person. I have many points that annoy my H and my family. I have a temper and I would cry out of frustration. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, where my H likes to keep his emotions hidden. That is where the majority of our differences lay. I know this because our C is trying to find out. In H's family culture, they like to keep things calm on the surface even if they are angry or upset or unhappy with anything. If the surface looks good, then they are satisfied. But my temperament is such that I like to get things off my chest and to explain my POV and state of mind. It's therapeutic for me and also, I like my partner to understand where I am at in hopes that there is a better connection. My H took that to mean that I was unhappy, he felt helpless and indequate to 'make me happy'. I just wanted him to listen and support and validate. That is all. We don't have to agree. I just want H to acknowledge my feelings. He would say things like, 'Well, you SHOULDN'T feel this way.' I then would say, ' Don't tell me how to feel, this is what I feel and this is why.' He didn't want to acknowledge it. He wouldn't present his POV or there was no discussion because he didn't want to get in touch with his own feelings. He would just apologize to end the conversation. Not really understanding or meaning his words. We both ended up feeling very frustrated.

I would like this whole dynamic to change. I would be very happy to change it and our C, who we see separately, said he can help. I am looking forward to that because I know it is something that I need to work on. I would still like to express my feelings but I don't want to lose it when someone tells me not to feel a certain way and refuse to acknowledge my feelings. I like to change that in me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Want some help?

IF someone tells you that you SHOULD feel a certain way...they are wrong.

Simply put they are wrong.

You don't need to prove that you are right, if they are wrong, so why waste the time and energy in doing so.

I'm not going to waste my time proving that I'm right if you said I was a disgusting slob of a person, or anoxeric. I don't have to...you would be wrong.

See?

[PositivelyMommy]

Jack, thanks for your direction. I've been thinking about it trying to absorb it but have a question. If I am right and they are wrong. And if the other person feels the same way, then where does it get us? E.g. If I think my H is not doing enough to be connected with his kids and I think I am right, of course. But he thinks he is doing OK and doesn't need to change. Then who is right and how is this going to be resolved? He thinks he is right and I think I am right. But in the mean time, my kids don't know who their father is, my H doesn't know who my kids are and they are not connected. What to do in a sitch like this?

[PositivelyMommy]

Ranting and raving so I don't do it to H's face. Sorry folks.

I read/heard somewhere that a woman's love ties into respect for the man. She can't love a man she cannot respect. I am getting to that point right now. The longer he drags this on, the less I have respect for him. I don't begrudge him the fact that he feels that our M was not good, I do,however, blame him for starting and continuing with an A with the knowledge of the hurt that he would cause me, the kids and our families. I do blame him for putting my S in the front seat of his car, eventhough he should be sitting in the back. I blame him for chucking me over like garbage when I was not useful to him anymore. ( That is how he sees our R. That there is nothing in it for him and therefore he has no use for me and is justified in leaving it.) I blame him for renewing our vows in November and then starting an A in January. I blame him for giving me an STD. I blame him for not respecting my family. My dad loves H and he is broken-hearted by H's behavior. My parents have always spoiled him rotten to the point where I get jealous but now he acts as if they don't exist. I blame him for not paying attention to the kids from Day 1. He goes thru the motions but his eyes are blank. I blame him for not believing in our love. I blame him for disrespecting me with his lies again and again. I am not stupid, I don't believe his lies but he STILL lies to me. I act 'as if' to avoid confrontations but am angry that he continues to disrespect me. I am angry that he puts himself and OW ahead of me and the kids.

Thanks for listening folks, I needed to get that off my chest.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Some truths are subjective. So right and wrong are degrees.

Some are absolute, math and internal feelings, being skinny.

For your kids, be the best mom for them, right now you're upset at him for 'hurting' the kids, so you want him to hurt, or you want him around...really? You want him to be an influence on them? No you really don't. Right now they are an excuse for you to have him around. And you're angry at him not only only for hurting you but 'hurting' them.

The kids are currently not going to make him stay, you don't want him around for the wrong reasons. You think you do but you really really don't.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You got a lot of blame, are you going to be able to give that up?

Because if you cannot, even someone who repents, and comes back fully isn't going to want to have to live with burden for the rest of their married life.