I guess I am successfully DBing - though now I am very wary about staying in the marriage myself. Though the interactions between me and my husband are much better (we are separated), is there any way to tell whether or not things are getting genuinly better or I am just being stalled and strung along?
I feel like I live each day waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.
Thank you for writing. Of course the story is really long and complicated. I will keep it to the basics.
Basically, the D bomb was dropped on me but my h has since backed away citing confusion. We have been separated for more than 6 months now and have a 2 year old daughter. Our marriage fell apart because I became very physically and subsequently mentally (anxiety etc.) ill after her birth - though no doctors could tell me what was wrong with me. Once I got an answer, I got better very quickly.
While I was sick I was an anxiety-ridden, needy, crying, physical and mental wreck. Now that I am healthy again, I am back to "me" - and it is awsome.
Before I got sick though our relationship fits well into that "walk-away" wife catagory though I did not plan on walking. - So basically a bad foundation to start with.
So, the improvements are real but so slow. I am being treated with respect - at least to my face in word and deed. (his close friendship/EA with a very young female coworker does not feel like respect but I can't have everything...) As an aside, because I was so sick I got REALLY slender and in great shape due to working out lol - so no worries there - lol.
I am focusing on me but don't want to have "hope" just to have the bomb dropped again. So I detach more and more each week.
My fear of stringing me along could be for any number of reasons - including financial - to put him in a better position for divorce such as buying the house etc. We are not legally separated so there is no child support etc.
I hope any of that makes sense. I know I have to deal with the present, but it is tough for the mind to not wander to whether or not your family will be intact. I am fine either way at this point - though having a GOOD relationship with the current h would be the ideal for my daughter.
Again, still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I guess that will either go away or it will drop...yes?? or I will drop it Agh! so frustrating.
I guess I would always advise people like you to judge your wayward spouse's intentions by their ACTIONS, and not by their WORDS. And so I'm curious: if his actions are that he's having an emotional affair, what other actions and/or words is he displaying that lead you to say you're being treated with respect?
I would be looking for any genuine movements BACK toward the marriage, and AWAY from the other woman.
Thank you for the advise regarding the actions and not words.
Is "best friends" an emotional affair? I have guys that are really good friends but I don't consider them emotional affairs. (But then again we were best friends before getting married lol - yikes)
I really don't know what to make of it - any clarifying questions would be welcome. Does he open up to her about our marriage issues - probably not. Does he share his achievements and outside projects with her and not me, yes. Am I supposed to be his best friend ... yes. But that is not the case at the moment so I really don't have any ground to stand on.
In terms of his actions, he is on time. In the past being hours late without a call was not unheard of when coming to get our daughter. He asks something of me and follows it up with "if that would be okay?" etc. We work at the same store and instead of being treated with anger and utter disdain, I am now invited into meetings etc to ensure my view points are heard. He used to detest my presence. He jokes around with me again.
I believe he now trusts/believes that my mood issues,irritability and anxiety were all medically induced (as they are all gone now and have been for months since the medical cause was fixed - (celiac disease).
I am the one who moved out though I did not want to. The situation was making my health worse as I could not find answers and felt like I was being kicked while I was down.
I wish I had better answers regarding moving away from her and towards the marriage. I now see this deeper friendship started a long time ago - but I was just not threatened by it. Of course I was also deathly ill and caring for a newborn so you can only worry/deal with so much. I wish I had more concrete examples of moving away/or moving towards but I just don't have them yet as I know they are spending time together still.
We are getting down to do or die time though, perhaps after our next counseling session I will have some more answers. (He was interested in the day and time of the session - and even offered to schedule that one for us?)
I have not mentioned this woman in our sessions together though during our individual "pre-therapy" session I told the C about her. She was left scratching her head with "and you're sure nothing is going on?"
Again not sure what to make of the friendship. Other than if I don't ask about it and totally ignore it I might have a chance to save my marriage as my husband hates to feel controlled, or, I file for divorce and in that case I have no say in what he does and I build my own life full of love and happiness.
I would refer you to the book "NOT Just Friends," by Shirley Glass, as the definitive treatise on emotional affairs. I was just going by what you said -- he had an EA.
The best, shortest definition I've seen is, "Would he be comfortable with what he says and does to her, and what she says and does to him, if you were there present?"
If not, then it's an inappropriate relationship, and an emotional affair. If he is sharing things with her that should be shared between husband and wife, it's an EA.
Finally, I would ask you if you've asked him to end it, WHATEVER it is, for the good of your marriage? Because if my wife asked me to end a female friendship, to work on our marriage with her, and if she were threatened by it and it was a "dealbreaker" to her . . . then if I put my friendship ahead of my marriage, then that would be wrong.
That's where I counsel people: if it's REALLY just a friendship (and it rarely ever is), then even THAT is wrong, if you've said you are uncomfortable with it. If we truly love our spouse, and are committed to our marriages, then we would end the friendship -- again, IF that's all it was.
Trust your instincts on the "friend". My W had an EA and I figured it out but bought the "just friends" bit and tried to be supportive and happy and it backfired. We were "working on things" but really as long as that other person is there nothing is going to change. I wish I had understood this before she said she didn't want to try anymore and wanted a divorce. I would have asked her to stop talking to the "friend". I thought it had to be physical to be an affair and as long as their was no Sex it didn't matter but I was totally wrong. It was just as bad for our marriage.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Thank you both for your input. I am hoping this week brings things further in one direction or another with our session with our C.
I know it is premature to push this particular "friendship" issue - especially since we are separated. Right now anything is ahead of our marriage as he has not decided whether or not to work on it. Our marriage means very little to him - as it should for someone who asked for a divorce.
We are seeing a C to determine whether or not to stay married - not to put things back together.
Perhaps after this past month of me being me again he will have some inkling one way or another. To me it feels/looks like things have cooled at the store.
And for the near future this other person is going no where since she is a coworker and now "best friends" with my h's sister. My h also responds extremely negatively to any attempt to "control" him.
- And I read my own stuff and I look like an idiot when it is in black and white.
I really see my only options are to get enough closeness back to assert some boundries if he chooses to work on things, or I move ahead with the divorce.
I imagine especially as a guy it is a tough spot to be in, you want to be supportive and not contolling, yet need to look strong by standing your ground. That would probably go for me too.
I hope to have answers soon. Whatever happens I am happy to not be so sick anymore and be on this side of the dirt.
Agh! so frustrating.