I have been following a lot of posts on this site since Oct 08. I have seen a lot of good advice, a lot a friendships, a lot of support and have gotten a lot of strength just from reading many people's posts.
I am going to write something you probablly never seen before.... "my situation is so similar to many of those I have seen posted". It is amazing to read some of these posts. Makes you think some of you were actually sitting between my wife and I when we had the first divorce talk
My wife hit me with ILYBNILWY in OCT 08. Moved into another bedroom and took her rings off. I am slightly different because the fun was leaving our marriage and I was starting to get frustrated with her drinking and talking to me without any respect. So when she first told me my response was okay, maybe that's the right thing to do.
Then the rest of psycology set in and I started to dread this. We talked and she gave me all her reasons, I tried to use logic on why we should work it out, she got mad and gave me more reasons (same story as most)
My biggest frustrations are at first she seemed to fit the mold of WAW, then she became emotionaly involved with a man in another state who a friend had introduced her to, and lately she has started to exhibit behavior of a MLC. Roller Coaster is not a strong enough word for it.
I tried to do some of the DB stuff at first and she seemed like she was on the fence. I had stayed in the house for two months after our D talk. You could watch the train wreck happen. She became more detached from me and more attached to her cell phone (with this other guy on the end of it).
It was all about her. She wanted the divorce, she didn't love me, she had a vision of keeping our daughter and me just moving out of their lives. But when I went to a lawyer for advice she blew up saying I betrayed her and was trying to hurt her???
It is funny in a very sad way how the world is recreated in your WAS mind. Our two biggest fights have been about custody and child support. Like others I am sure. My relationship with my daughter has always been very strong, even stronger than my daughter and hers. She is finally starting to see this and in many ways I am convinced she wants me to take my daughter as much as possible so she can have her simple life. Weird for someone not going through this.
I have decided to post now for a couple of reasons. I really respect the effort so many of you put into trying to save you marriages. I enjoy and appreciate the efforts of Sandi2, Puppy Dog, and so many others. This IS the hardest thing someone goes through in life. I do not have many friends but there have been three people there for me through it and with out them I would have been a mess. If you have never been through this then you never fully understand and I would like to be there for other people.
My situation is that I am now on the fence. I think I would like my wife back, my daughter back to 100% of the time and my life back to the way it was with the imporvements I can make. However, even though I am not ready to give up I know I will be good if I don't get her back. I know my daughter who had no choice in this will have the best shot possible to be happy.
This is a great community to have at your side during this time.
Having good friends who are there for the 'all' of you is priceless. It's like a bra. Poor support and the puppies droop. Great support and they're just darn great regardless of what covers them.
Focus on you, your daughter. Improve yourself.. do that stuff you've been meaning to, try one thing you've avoided out of fear. It helps you grow AND helps curtail the fixating on the actions of your spouse of which you have no control.
Finding out your legal rights is a good thing since it helps you know where you stand if your wife proceeds. This is her show, her drama.. no wonder she was upset when you took a leading role.
Her actions are a reflection of the gradual erosion of your marriage. She's a very angry woman now who's medicating herself in the wash of another's emotions. You have no control over how she treats herself.
You do have a choice with what you do for yourself... and your little angel. Keep the positive going and the eye on the prize.
It is amazing the repeated stories. It is like a disease. Reminds me of all the stories of aliens.. Do they exist because everyone draws the same picture or has everyone just already seen the picture and it's in their head??????
The cycle is horrible. When wife first told me, I would have told you I was one of the best husbands out there and so would most of her friends. Then you do a little soul searching and realize there were lots of things that you could have done better. They beat you down with how it is all your fault and you end up thinking that it is all your fault.
Thank goodness with the help of friends and if you are really honest with yourself and you work out of the fog you begin to realize that it is not all you. Yea there are things you could have done better but there is really something else going on here.
That's where I sit now after four months of conversations and doing a lot of the wrong things as far as DBing.
I reflect back on our last two years and it's kind of like carrying a couch. You drop your end and feel bad and then you see the other person's end is also on the ground but in their mind it is all your fault.
Kills me!
It's an ugly list:
"I realized I was settling for you and can do better." (Ouch!) "You have mentally abused me for 10 years." (huh???) "I have bought everything in the house you have never bought a thing" (take the $450 in tires off your vehicle and re-evaluate)
I don't get it?????
The one thing we have going is that we are staying friendly. It makes it tough and very confusing for me but I have my daughter to think about. She has agreed to joint physical and legal custody. This is great fo me but makes us have to have a lot of contact.
So we are putting the house on the market. That's a tough milestone in the seperation. I don't really have any affection for the house other than it was ours. Slowly but surely- it fades... LOL
Wife called to tell me the other day. I was in a good mood and didn't want to ruin it so I let it drop. Kind of wanted to remind her that my name was on the mortgage so she needed to consult me... but I decided I didn't want to argue and let her do it her way. Maybe that was my first successful DBing.
She then called to give me the number of a sleepover party my daughter was at so I could call and say goodnight. She spent the first fifteen minutes of the call complaining how all the addresses and numbers in her cell phone had disaapeared. I didn't try to fix the problem... just let her vent and told her how I could understand how frustrating that could be.. More sucessfull DBing (or was that out of another book?)
Then she told me that she liked the realtor and how much it would cost, I didn't really agree and thought there was method where we could do it a little cheaper (but what's a little money here or there) so I said I trusted her judgement and would go along with what she thought was best...more DBing...
It really helps this DBing when you aren't trying so hard... sad isn't it LOL
I am confused. Two days after we saw realtor for placing house on market she went to lawyer to finalize our seperation agreement based on suggestions I had given her over a month ago. Then called me to tell me my lawyer was too young and an inexperience idiot.
When she was done I simply told her that my lawyer wasn't my friend, my brother, or anyone I had known for more than two hours so you're right he might be a jerk. What's your point?
Child support isn't fair. It's based on a state guideline. Might not be what you wanted but it's fair in the eyes of the court.
Then - and here is where I need advice if anyone is reading this - I said it stinks for both of us and asked her "you want a divorce right?" she didn't answer. So I asked her again, "You do want a divorce right?" And she avoided the question.
I do not know what to do. I have been trying to give her space and yet protect myself. She hasn't really tried to take advantage of me in this but has been irritable as so many others describe in MLC.
Is it possible I am pushing her out the door? Everytime we talk about the situation she seems pretty clear our relationship can't be fixed. What is going on because it hurts my head....a lot.
Life is so confusing...and stinks some days but no worse than some on this site and better than some.
I guess I should write more often on my thread it would help like a journal to look back. Guess I feel guilty sometimes because so many people here fight so hard to keep their marriages together while I many times struggle with whether I should even try.
I respect the people trying and don't want to add to the defeatist side. Sad thing is that I don't know what I want when I think about it logically. And when I allow the emotional side to step in I wish I could return to my marriage. BUT I know I want the marriage I had two for the first 14 years not the the one I was in for the last 2 years.
As time progresses I also know I played a big part in her losing the connection to me even though I thought I was doing all the right things
Here is one of my struggles..... Any advice welcome,
One of our problems in our marriage was that I worked shift work and was missed by my wife and child. True! She has since left me and I believe is in a EA (probablly PA) with someone in a different state.
I interviewed for a job where I live and did not get it. The person I interviewed with told me they had the same opening in the very city that the OM lives in. I asked wife if she would want to move to that city since we have joint custody. So now we are.
Getting this type of job was one of my original goals when I looked at what was wrong in my life if I wanted to move forward. The job is a 25% increase in pay, day shift only and all weekends off, management. It will improve my life imensely!!
And I am taking my wife right to the door of the OM LOL!!!!
So I struggle, I know my marriage is over unless she decides she wants to come back, I am not sure if I would be happier if she did come back, this job will make my relationship with my daughter so much better, it will also protect my rights to access with my daughter, and I will always care for her - wife may be happier there.
But what am I doing? and how am I going to cope with this? I see so much pain on people's posts about OM and OW. I know no matter how much I detach I am fooling myself...it will hurt when I first see it.
I can see guys like Puppy, Stillwaters and Robx trying to reach through the T1 line and grab my shoulder to shake me LOL!
Hi Kenn, Well first you have to do what's best for you & your D. I think you know that. And if this new job will do that - then great!!
I suppose moving closer to OM, could go either way. They could tire of each other or get closer. Either way you have to prepare yourself. Sorry, to be so blunt about it.
I'm pretty much in the same boat. After a year & a half of this sh*t, D seems so simple so easy. Rebuilding my very short M seems like a very rough & long road, if, if it would even happen.
You are pretty new to these boards, so you probably shouldn't give up so easily. But we all have our limits and we all protect ourselves & our emotions differently. We each have to decide when done is really done.
Keep posting your thoughts, good days & bad days too.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
The job is the best thing for daughter and I. And you're right that is what makes my decision. It will also be very good for wife too. She has friends out there. Our social life here was non existent and probablly played into her unhappines, I know it did mine.
Funny, I told her about the job three days ago. She was shocked (why - that's another story). Thenyesterday she invites me over for dinner with her and daughter. We're having fun laughing. She poured my wine, then took without me noticing actually took over for the table, nice caring jesture. About half way through dinner she says with a pleasant smile, "there are somethings wrong with the house that I can't fix, would you do it on one of your days off?"
They took about ten minutes to fix. And now I am dying to call her and tell her not to invite me over for dinner jsut so she can get me to fix stuff. I'd fix it anyway.
Haven't got a clue though whether it was manipulative or just a kind gesture to invite me over?
