Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Another thread locked........I'm gettin' to be an old hand at this.......

Previous threads:

Thread 1
Thread 2
Thread 3
Thread 4
Thread 5

Current Status:

-H wants no contact for a month. This month included Valentines Day, our 26th anniversary, my birthday, and the 28th anniversary of our first meeting. Says he thinks that will be easier on me because it's an "emotional time"......ain't he such a sensitive guy!!! But, actually he's probably right. I don't want to be around him now.

-H is handling finances and probably going to file for bankruptcy, but has been good about this part of the sitch really. He thinks because we have two households (because we are seperated) that we can possibly save both (we have the house in town we have lived in which needs a LOT of work, and we have the dream house on 40 acres built out in the county which we just finished contstuction on last summer). H had agreed in past to sell that house if we D because there is so much emotion there for me, but now he says he has no immediate plans to file for D, and that he never plans to M again, and he hopes that we can both just own the houses and get along and both of us use it when we want. Of course this is actually good for both of us, because we don't want to sell the property in the current market.

-H has started "dating", although he says he wouldn't call it that....it's just drinks with good company.....no commitments at all.

-Our S17 has been making poor decisions about school and "substances" and hanging around with some kids who we feel are a bad influence. But, S17 has agreed to "substance abuses" treatment. His over-all attitude with me has improved. H had seemed to be ready to drop S17, but then he turned around and has "made the first move" and spent some good time with S17, so his actions speak louder than his words I hope.

-I am pretty content in my new little apartment with my son. However, H has been working on the house, and says if we can swing it with bankruptcy, we may be able to keep the house and he will finish the repairs on it and I can live there, so "we only have the two houses to pay for"??? I guess I wouldn't mind that really.......so long as the repairs are done.

-I really have little to complain about at this point. There are lots of positives in my life. So, I am embracing one day at a time, and will cross bridges as I come to them.

-I want to thank each and every one of you, my friends, here on these boards! Every single day it seems, I am comforted and inspired by the many friends I've made here! You have seen me through so very many rough patches, most of which I have brought on myself, and you haven't judged, but offered support, comfort and understanding (and the occaisional 2x4 ) You guys are the very best, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me!!

I love you all!!!

Onward and Upward!!

[[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]]

[job]

SC,
I had to chuckle over your h's concern for your emotional state for the month of February. He's not actually thinking about your emotional state 100%...he's projecting on to you how he's going to feel about the reminders. He's actually the one who will have difficulty with all of the reminders that February brings.

I'm glad to see that you and your h are able to talk about things. This is good. Him working on the house is good as well. As for the drinks, etc., that's dating in our eyes, but let him go on and think it's not.

I'm glad to see he's involved w/your son. Your son is at an age where he really does need his father in his life. Yes, SC, your h's actions do speak louder than words.

You sound like you are in a good place right now. It took a while, but you've gotten there. I do think this calm and serene place has helped your situation w/you and your h. Keep the communication channels open. You've done an excellent job of listening and being there for your h.

Keep thinking positive, for the world is there to embrace you and your family.

[Babygirl]

hey sweetie!! wow, a whole month!! I agree its about his feelings about the days not yours.

we are here, and we love you

[Upside]

Hi SC-
I'm no expert but I agree that your H is limiting contact with you this month because he isn't sure how it all is going to effect him plus he doesn't want to feel bad if you do get "emotional". However, knowing there will be limited to no contact with him, you will have no expectation and fewer disappointments. Hopefully that will make things a little easier on you.

You do have a lot on your plate right now but you seem to be handling it with a lot of strength and grace. You already know that there will be brighter days ahead regardless of what happens with your M. It took me almost a year after the bomb to really accept that. Each day I have gotten a little stronger although there are days (like yesterday) where I still have a major backslide.

Is your S17 acting out because of the family situation? My S17 went through a stage where he was drinking and smoking pot last year...that was tough. I hope that your S17 will continue accept the help he is being given and separate himself from the "friends" that are really anything but friends. Is he graduating this year? If so, what are his plans after he graduates?

Are you doing anything special for your birthday? It is a great excuse for you to pamper yourself in some way...or maybe find some friends to go do something new and fun.

Keep moving forward and continue to focus on that light at the end of the tunnel...it will get bigger and brighter.

(((HUGS)))

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Friends!

{{{{{snodderly}}}}}. It's so good to hear from you!!! I have missed your wisdom on my thread! Yes, I feel like I've been a particularly difficult "problem child" as far as DBing goes. But, I feel like I am perhaps finally getting to where I need to be.

I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think H is concerned about how he will feel going through the significant days in the next month. He is starting his new job, and is very busy and I just think he doesn't want anything to distract him from that. He doesn't want the headache. He wants to put it all in a box on the shelf and not deal with it. But, we all know that tactic usually doesn't last......but it may be a while before it all starts to boil over.

{{{{{BG}}}}} I can always count on you for warmth and encouragment. Thank you for that. And you know that I am always here for you too!! Ya know, I always thought that my love for my H was unconditionall. But I now realize that it really wasn't. You, and others like you on these boards, have shown me what uncoditional love really looks like. And I am truly forever changed because of that!! You are an absolutely priceless gem of a woman, BG!! Don't you ever forget that!!!

{{{{{Upside}}}}} Yes, I think the no contact is better for me, and I am feeling in a much better place now. I know that in all likelihood there will be more backslides in my future, but with the continued support and encouragement from my friends here, I know I will get through it.

In answer to your questions, yes I know S17 is definitely acting out in response to our sitch. He has admitted to doing some stuff in the past from long before H left, but that behavior has "exploded" in the past 6-8 months since the sitch began. Especially since he told me about H's confession to him about the PA with the secretary.

But I am seeing some real positives with S17. For example, yesterday my step brother called me and invited us to meet him and his mom and daughter at local pottery place. S17 went with me and he ended up making a decorative plate. His design on it had some gang symbols, with a circle aroud them and slash (ya' know....the symbol for "No"), and under these symbols he wrote "Intolerance is Ignorance". So, it's an artistic statement against gangs. I think this is a really good thing! He plans to put the plate on his dresser in his room where he can see it every day.

One really funny thing happened. When S17 and I were talking about what he wanted to put on his plate, he kept saying he wanted to say "Sodomize Ignorance". And I was telling him, no, that I did not think that appropriate, and I didn't want that in my house. He kept arguing with me, saying "Why not, what's the big deal". And in our debate his voice keeps getting louder, and each time he says the word "sodomize" I am cringing!! And I finally told him to keep his voice down!! He asked "why" and I said because it was embarassing me! By then he was frustrated and demands "What's wrong with the word sodomize??!!" Then it finally dawns on me and I ask him "Do you know what the word sodomize means?" He says he thinks so....it means to "end" or "destroy" or "stop" something. So, then I am suddenly trying my darndest not to laugh out loud and embarass him!! So, I whisper in his ear what the real definition of the word is! He said "No way!" I said "Yep, Way!" Then he said very sheepishly "Oh....Oops. Sorry!!" Then we both started laughing!!! It was hysterical! The best laugh I've had in a long time!

We told my stepbrother about it, and he told S17, "Well obviously my birthday present to you next month will have to be a dictionary!!" Then we helped him with alternatives to how he could say what he wanted to say on the plate, and came up with the phrase "Intolerance is Ignorance".

So, that is what we did for Valentines Day. We did pottery and then we all went to dinner at an Italian place. It was fun!

[dl443322]

Oh S, I was laughing out loud about your s saying that. I am glad you had a nice time.

And dont be too hard on yourself if you have backslides. Happens to all of us.

Concentrate on you and your son. Keep GAL. Let h blow in the wind for now.

Be the best SC you can be. Thanks for being such a great friend.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, today I had a couple of contacts with H, but had no problem staying detached.

I had to call him because I got a voice mail from C that his and S17's sessions this afternoon were cancelled. Actually had S17 make that call. Then took S17 to get evaluation for drug/alcohol but found out I had the time wrong!! So, rescheduled for next Monday. Called my mom to see if she could drive S there that day, then called H to let him know change in status.

During that call H was cordial. Said he might be able to get that time off and take S instead of my mom, which I said I would appreciate and thanked him. He then said that he had a problem with how the dream house was left after we stayed there a couple weeks ago (remember my weekend with me, my brothers, neice, S and S's friend). Anyway, I thought we had cleaned up the place just fine, but H complained that the kitchen floor wasn't mopped, and there was a can with cigarette butts left on the porch......and some other stuff. I didn't rise to the bait or defend. I just said that I had thought I had checked everything, but I obviously missed some stuff and I am sorry and will endeavor to do better next time. I then suggested that we may want to make a checklist or something that we go over each time we are up there before we leave. H liked that idea. I said goodbye first.

H had said that he would e-mail me the bankruptcy papers, but I didn't get them. I did, however, get an e-mail from him telling me to send back the info to him ASAP, and in it he said that the L says that it would be best for us to file H under Ch 13, and me under Ch 7....?? I don't know how we can do this if we are going to file together as married the way I thought.....so, I replied to his e-mail, and left a message on his voice mail requesting clarification. I did both because he has been know to either overlook or not get to his e-mail for quite some time. I am not really worried or anything, because he has not given me reason to believe he would "shaft" me or anything, but I do want to stay informed of course!

Oh, and don't shoot me or anything, but I signed up for a 3 day free trial on a dating web-site. I am not looking to date really!!! If for no other reason than I would not want to hurt anyone by leading them on when I am still not done with my M....not in my heart. What I hope it will do for me is help get me through the next couple days! (i.e. my 26th anniversary!). I can go on there and look, and see that there are lots of "fish in the sea" so to speak, and if somebody sends me an e-mail or something, I will be honest with them about where I am and my feelings. At best I may make a friend. At worst, I've wasted a few minutes of time.

Anyway, it's been fun looking at the postings on that site. There are a lot of funny people out there! But then, I knew that from these boards already!!

Well, my long weekend is over (darnit!).....back to work tomorrow.....

{{{{{{{{{{My DB Friends!!}}}}}}}}}}

[Babygirl]

hey sis, sad here, h left, packed gone. lets take care of eachother!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Friends.

OK day. Busy at work. My boss is getting annoying. Asking me what I am doing.....He knows I can't stand feeling like someone is looking over my shoulder all the time. But, I'm trying to not worry about it, because we have talked and I have told him that I often feel "scatter brained" these days and he was supportive, so maybe he thinks he is trying to help.

Had IC this afternoon. Had an issue with S17 that I won't go into. Will only say that I called H for his back up on it, and he was johnny on the spot, which was nice.

Met for coffee this evening with my own personal angel, better known around here as sandycay. [You are the best, girl!!!! ]

And, I am actually doing surprisingly well considering the fact that tomorrow is my 26th anniversary. I'm sure that it will be just another day, and will pass without any acknowledgment from H......but I am OK with that.

I need to get going on some exercising. I was a bad girl today and ate a brownie, and a peanut butter cookie sandwich (ya know the two cookies with the p-nut butter in between), AND I had a piece of poundcake with my coffee tonight.......BAD SC!! BAD, BAD, SC!!!!

So, gotta get movin'........D24 said she would be willing to do water aerobics with me......also I'd like to get to doing Yoga again.

GALin', here I come!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Friends!

Well, our 26th anniversary was uneventful, which is a good thing I think. I did just fine.....no crying jags.......

I had one communication with H. It was a reply to an e-mail I sent telling him about upcoming plans. H's reply was...

Got the schedule. Yes go for the second eval at $100 and the others at the navy base. I will not join for the trip to SD. On a conf call, I have 5 each week, not short attitude.

Later

That was it......I didn't reply. I think by "not short attitude" he is trying to reassure me that he doesn't mean to be rude in cutting it short.

I found out they have deep water aerobics at the pool on the Navy base on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I am going to start going. I invited D24 and my Mom to join me. They both agreed.

I also think I'm going to start walking between the ferry and my office once per instead of taking the bus. That will give me a half hour of walking which will be a good thing.

I'm thinking about taking a class or two at the local community college. Years ago, before I fell into accounting, I thought about going to Nursing school. At the time, I ended up going to work instead because we needed the money. To get into the Nursing program, I still need the science pre-requisites. I'm thinking I might just sign up for one course and then see how it goes. I am really not sure I want to go back to school again (especially Biology and Chemistry.....[those were H's forte]). But, maybe just one course and see.........hmmmmm. Don't want to overload and stress out.

Yep......I feel like I've finally dropped the rope. I hope this feeling lasts!!