Here Again AmyC and Frank_D

[shark]

I was here in early 2006 and now I am back. My wife on February 6th dropped the bomb just like last time.

I changed a LOT of things that I was doing before, but a few I missed.

The last straw she says is that I also got into a really huge fight with her brother-in-law who is a very bad person but for the sake of the family and my wife's sister he is accepted. My wife's family is very important to her (So impotant that I think I take a back seat) and I should not have written the emails I did to him and confronted him on the issues. I also then removed myself from family functions because I could not stand to be around him (from 10/08 till now). My wife has told me she is very angry, disappointed and upset. This issue with her brother in law she says is 50% of why she is leaving. I told her not file while she is upset but she will not listen.

Over the last week I figured out the remaining items that would have made a difference but I did not understand before and of course she says, it's too late, as if to punish me.

From Saturday (the day after she dropped the bomb) through Wednesday we were sleeping in the same bed, talking, kissing hello and good bye and being mellow and friendly and she is still wearing ring (Even today). Last time we went through this that was the first thing to come off. She knows how much that bothers me. So now I don't know if she is waiting until the divorce is final or something else. She went on Friday to pick up the papers to fill out.

Everything I am going through is a carbon copy of what I went through before and she is acting the same. Last time we were separated for 6 months, she had filed and living separate sharing two boys 7 & 6. She has a history of running but I just don't know when she is telling the truth now. I don't know that this is for real this time. We have been together since we were 23 I am now 38 she is 39 and in my heart I believe I should do the same as before: DB and stay committed and fight for the marriage.

One thing I missed regarding my wife this time. My wife communicates and never demands or says I feel or anything. She says things out of the sky and I never realized until now that that means "That is what is going to make me happy and that is what we need to do and if I don't get it I will bottle it up and hold it against you and then one day drop the bomb".

I also confront things and am just maybe too outspoken sometimes when I should just mellow and let it go.

She told me that during the time before Saturday and this email that she was sort of rethinking or ??? but then just wrote this.

I asked her twice on Sunday night if she wanted a divorce (When we were in bed) and I got silence, no Answer. I just kissed her goodnight after each time and said I understand. Then on Wednesday night I asked her, "Are you telling me that this marriage is over and we will never be together again and you want it to end." And her answer came back before I even finished, "Yes".

She told me that during the time after Friday nights bomb and the email on Wednesday that the talks and days were spent thinking and I guess questioning. She also says like last time that you are never 100% sure.

Totally confused.

This is the email I received Wednesday morning:

Shark,

I have been doing so much thinking since last Friday night and have been trying to stay very strong. I was planning on telling the boys on Saturday morning after I picked them up from their sleep-over’s about us but didn’t because you were home when we came back. We were together for the rest of the weekend and you were saying and doing everything you could to make a difference in how I feel. I believe your efforts are sincere but unfortunately it’s not changing anything. For me, it’s just too late for the changes and realizations.

I am doing what I told you I would do:

1. I’ve found a place to rent and will be moving out in a month
2. I have a meeting with Attorney tomorrow to file paperwork
3. I will be telling the boys alone (since you said you wouldn't
do it with me)

My biggest concern is for the boys and I know it’s yours too. The hurt and anger you feel towards me will only make it more difficult for them if you show it. Please, please try to be sensitive to their needs. It saddens me so much to hear you say that you will tell the boys I am giving up on the family. I am NOT and will NEVER give up on my boys. I love them more than anything in the world. If you love them as much as you say you do, you won't say things about me that will put confusion in their minds as far as my love and devotion to them. To say those negative things will forever effect their self esteem, confidence and overall trust. Please do not make that happen. This situation doesn't have to be as detrimental to them as you think, especially if they’ve been living in a home where we did not demonstrate mutual love and respect and were not happy. Don't kid yourself into thinking the boys don’t know what’s been going on between us. They
hear the arguing and see the unhappiness that we haven’t been able to hide from them. As much as you think they will, our boys will not be better off growing up in that environment.

When I saw the flyer you brought home last night and the boys' excitment, it made me so, so sad. I've been talking about that for such a long time with you and it was never an option. It was not right to do that to me or to the them. Even if it was going to happen, that is a big deal that we would need to discuss and agree on before ever mentioning anything to the boys.

Regarding some other issues, I’ve contacted Louis and told him I will be moving out and that you wanted to stay. He said you would have to sign a lease in your name. I also will be getting my security deposit back which means you will have to negotiate and make payments towards a new security deposit (one month's rent). I know he doesn’t want to lose you as a tenant so I'm sure he’ll be willing to work with you on that.

Please contact Verizon to put your cell phone number in your own name. Changes for other bills, etc. will need to be made but since you want to get a new Blackberry, Verizon should just be taken care of now.

In the meantime, it will be extremely difficult living together for the next month. I know you don’t want to leave the house 3 nights a week but
under the circumstances, will you please reconsider? I could stay at my parents the other nights and the kids would remain in the house with one of us..

I want and deserve to be happy after so many years of feeling like my own happiness was totally out of my control. I'm taking control now and will be responsible for my own path in life. I honestly can't remember what happiness feels like, it’s been way too long and I don’t want to continue feeling this way.

Please don't fight me on this Shark. I have made up my mind. I am moving forward and I am not turning back. I am sorry but I need to do this.

[sandi2]

Hi Shark, you don't know me, but I'm Sandi2. AmyC was banned from the board. I think FrankD is still around....haven't run into him or looked for his thread.

I don't know if you are asking for advice or giving an update, but as I see it, you best option is to drop the rope. This makes the second time you have been here, so either slipped in something in the DBing or you reverted back to your old self. I'm not sure what the deal with her BIL is that would break up a M. It sound more like an excuse to me and that she is determined this time to go through with it. You have a month that you can work on whatever DB path you decide to take.

Once she has a taste of the freedom, then she may change her mind after all the bills begin to come in, unless she can support herself and maintain her lifestyle that she is likes. Not knowing your past stitch, it is hard to really know what to say.

Do you have the stength to go through this again or how do you really feel about all of this?