My Story, Part Cinco

[KenF]

time for a new thread, i'm not in the same place i was before.

Hard to believe its been so long since my last post. time flies when you're dealing with the sitch.

still progressing towards the divorce. nothing has changed in that aspect. the paperwork has been submitted to the state, i've compiled all my financial information and given it to my lawyer. the next step will be the toughest, sitting down and dividing the assets and agreeing on custody.

as far as custody, we've been pretty consistent with a 50/50 split. we've been able to work out special occasions, days she cant watch our daughter, or swapping weekends for birthdays.

we're pretty good on nightly phone calls to say good-night, although the stbx has chosen not to call on many nights. i've been very careful to never miss one of her calls and have never denied her her chance to talk to our D. I cant understand why the stbx wouldnt call, but not dwelling on it.

my biggest fear now is that i'm missing something, or that my lawyer will miss something that bite me later. i know custody i wont agree to less than 50/50 physical and legal custody. but stbx wants Primary, not sure if thats something i should fight over. I dont want her to claim that because she has primary she can move our daughter from our current daycare, or change her name, etc.

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

finances are what they are. numbers are numbers, cant change basic math. just need to watch how they play out and deal with it then. i dont want to put too much mental effort into worrying.

as far as me, i'm doing much better. mentally clearer, sleeping better, and while its always in my mind, it doesnt always take front row. reconnecting with old friends, love the FB, got a pleasant surprise from an old co-worker that confessed she used to have a crush on me. she's happily married now, but thats not important, just a nice little ego boost.

so i'm good, and getting better. i dont have the fears i did, my mind is healing. and i miss being here.

[healthydad]

Hi KenF:
Glad to hear from you - uncanny timing in that I was just talking about you yesterday. You sound like you're doing well - like you're making the most of a very tough transition.

My first wife and I divorced in NJ and we settled on 50/50 joint custody - which ended up working out fine for us over the years...though, the main point is that she and I were both very much settled into our separate lives by that point (we were both just out of med school/grad school - so we took our time with the D until we could afford it - sort of).

Being mentally clearer and sleeping better are good signs - I know what you mean about having this stuff on your mind - how could you not? Especially when a D involves a child?

Keep healing...for me, it was painful - still is at times - but it's so very worth it.

-Carlos.

[KenF]

Wow, its been nearly 4 months since my last update. time to close off this story.

I've been lurking around here on occassion, but the memories are too strong. i just dont have it in me to post and read much. although i miss everyone who has helped me, and i wish the best for all.

my D was finalized last week. 50/50 time with D3 is all i really wanted and i got it. we have a clause we cant move more than 30 miles from where we are now so transfering D wont be too much trouble. child support is negligable, financial agreement was painful but i'll just make it back eventually.

I'm happy. I'm glad its done. and I'd never want to go back to her. court was easy, i felt no hesitation or regret when i signed all the docs and answered all the questions.

I guess all thats left to say is that no matter how bad it is, it will get better. it will take a while, and it will hurt, but time will truly help and take the edges off the pain.

take care all.

[KenF]

I actually dont want to be her friend. i can be friendly and civil, i can joke around and laugh at her jokes. but only from a distance. maybe someday i'd consider her more than my D's mother and someone i'll always have to deal with to raise my D. just not interested in friendship now, its just about my D and nothing else.

and yes, the feeling of closure is overwhelming. and yes, drinks indeed. and contact me on FB if you need anything, i check that often.

[jp787]

she's flipped out over her socks not fitting right, her left shoes tighter than her right, her hair not being perfect.

Ken, I noticed this and wanted to say that my oldest D went through something like this when she was preschool (maybe earlier) through first grade (maybe?) Anyways, we tried seamless socks and cut the tags out of her shirts, etc. It was a nightmare getting her out of the house dressed for a while. IT faded away and those things never bothered her again after 2-3rd grade. She is 17 now and not sure she remembers, but I do.

[Underdog]

Ken,

LOL, seems like there is a rash of this going on with kids down here in Surviving! My D16 had most of these issues too, which they diagnosed early as a Sensory Integration disorder. We did quite a lot of stuff to combat it, and she's fine now, but there are some lingering after effects too.

We had issues pretty much identical to JP. We didn't buy the seamless socks (I couldn't find them), so we turned them inside out. She insisted on wearing her shoes on the opposite foot too! We had her in feeding therapy for 3 years to help combat the tons of issues that cropped up at the table and then wound up having to deal with family behavioral issues there. Believe it or not, having a child who won't eat was a major stress on our family life and we were relieved to get help here.

On top of that, she hates shopping, especially grocery stores and big box places. They are literally an assault on the senses: high ceilings, lots of crap on shelves - piled high, bright lights, loud noises and in her mind's eye, they are like rat mazes, where there isn't a logical way in or out. We've had a behavioral psychologist working with her for 2 years on compliance - these types of stores are necessary in daily life, and they work with her on the transition. It can be overwhelming.

To this day, my D16 is still not horribly fond of meat - she'll eat it willingly if it is easy to chew. Otherwise forget it. AND the shoe thing? LOL, she still insists on wearing her boots on the wrong foot (not shoes). It's kind of funny. Nowadays, I withhold something she wants until she puts her boots on the right foot. Works like a charm.

Google sensory integration disorder and I think you can find some easy and cheap ways to help. They just require constant attention and work until you get through them.

For the record, I was the kid who had them too. Only I got labeled as a picky and slow eater and stubborn. I was constantly in trouble for whining about the stuff that really bothered me, and eventually I grew out of it. (I love food.) Fast forward when I wound up with a special needs child with many of the issues I had (but magnified) and I learned what that was all about. My family was bummed that they got on me for what we could then see clearly as something other than what I was labeled to be. It was an eye opener for them, and I was relieved that they understood I couldn't help it.

Oh, and I still cut out labels on shirts if they are stiff. Sometimes the leftover seams are worse, so I've been known to sew satin patches over them. Damn, I'm glad those days are behind me!

Good luck!

Betsey

[Underdog]

And back to this:

my biggest fear now is that i'm missing something, or that my lawyer will miss something that bite me later. i know custody i wont agree to less than 50/50 physical and legal custody. but stbx wants Primary, not sure if thats something i should fight over. I dont want her to claim that because she has primary she can move our daughter from our current daycare, or change her name, etc.

Not sure how NJ deals with this, but here in Colorado, my XH and I have joint legal custody - any decisions require both of our consent. I have primary physical custody, which means my household is the address on record where all correspondence is addressed. I can't make any legal decisions without him. And I sure as heck wouldn't want to. He pays a lot of child support and deserves that much.

A former poster and friend IRL had the name change thing pop up. He also lives in Colorado - and I think we're a pretty lax state when it comes to stuff like this. Anyway, his XW attempted to have their 2 kids legally adopted by her present hubs. Kevin ran to the lawyer and they put the kibosh on that one immediately. Your daughter's last name is on her birth certificate, and it should require your consent to change it.

Not sure if this helps. If you're unsure, ask?

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well, okay, since you asked...

FYI, we also don't call it custody here. It's called parenting. Anyway, try not to get too caught up in the minutia of that parenting time. Be specific without being a jerk. It will go a long way once the ink on your D dries and you have to work with your XW. Zo is young, and you don't want to start off this process by flexing muscles that do not suit you down the road.

The first year we were separated, we stuck to our parenting schedule, and it made ALL of us miserable. I had him return them by 7 pm and we were so caught up in the process of making sure we got what we wanted. It svcked big time. Fortunately, we both agreed it svcked and decided to just relax. If I had to work late, and he was in a position to help, we'd switch. We still do. The kids would have this flexibility if we were still married, and I KNOW my D19 appreciated knowing we weren't keeping score. She would say if she was asked that she wouldn't want to be in the position of being the object in a tug o'war.

Plus, when she got old enough, she told him straight up that she wanted less overnights over there. Not because she didn't love him or want to spend time with him, but she wanted to be where her friends were - and that was in my 'hood. He initially balked, but I led him into an exercise to go back to being 15. Once he did that, he completely understood. He never liked it, but again, if we were still married, she'd have wanted the same thing and he would have complied.

So if you're tempted to go there with your STBXW - and I know she's a complete goofball - try not to do it. Put yourself in Zo's shoes and ask yourself the tough questions.

BTW, I think my D19 was 8 or 9 when I got her a cell phone. I took a lot of crap for that, but she walked home from school and I wanted her to feel safe. The flip and good side of it was that she and her dad sent texts to each other. They still do. But now she Skype's him. Heck, I may get more phone time with her now, but he gets quality face time with her.

So that's my $.02. You seem like a great dad and a reasonable guy. I know you can do this.

Hugs-

Betsey