My H left me in mid 2008 after a few years of coming and going etc etc. Within 4 weeks he had met OW. It has escalated to a point , that H ignores own kids and is oblivious to chaos within his family that his behaviour is causing.
Is this an affair ? He had left home ! What are the stages and timeline of an affair if there is one ? He is now very open with her! In fact she has never really been a secret. What should I do as an example to my kids and for my own self respect ?
Welcome, sounds like it is an affair, and at least you need to deal with it the same way as an affair. Have you read Diveorce Remedy? You need to.
But to be an example to the kids, I think you need to focus on you. Take good care of yourself and try your bestest to not get pulled into H's affair, but this is sooooo hard!!! Stay busy, do things with the kids, and try not to pursue your H. Live your life as much as you can. You will be hurting inside but try to be as Happy as you can. Do it for the kids. Let them see a strong mommy. Good luck and welcome. You will get good advice here.
As far as I'm concerned, if you're still married, it's an affair. Maybe if you were legally separated and had an agreement to see other people it would be okay. But for him to leave you and start seeing someone with 4 weeks (and chances are he was already seeing her before he left you) then it's an affair.
You should cut off all contact with him. That's tough when you have kids, but you need to set your boundaries. But you need to tell him that as long as he has ANY contact with OW that you don't want to hear from him or see him at all. No emails, no texts, and no calls.
Every day that his affair continues he is disrespecting you and his family. You need to make him aware of that and let him know that you want nothing to do with someone who knowingly continues to do that to you.
Most affairs only last 6 months to a year, but there are exceptions. Since he's being open about it, exposure won't do any good. So the only thing you can do is the last resort of going dark. Detach from him and focus on yourself and your kids.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
My H left me in mid 2008 after a few years of coming and going etc etc. Within 4 weeks he had met OW. It has escalated to a point , that H ignores own kids and is oblivious to chaos within his family that his behaviour is causing.
What should I do as an example to my kids and for my own self respect ?
That sounds like my H. Very open about the OW even with the kids. She's always around our kids and he says she's just a friend. He sees the kids when OW's not available, but otherwise, disappears.
The timeline I've read about is 6months to 12 months usually and I've also seen 6 months to 2 years. Of course they are averages so could be less or more than that. I do think it prob. isn't a good start to a R to start with cheating, lying, breaking apart a family or 2. The OW in my case has been married 3 times, so if she marries my H after the D, he will be her 4th husband. I don't see that R as lasting forever!
My advice would be to be there for your kids, the stable rock that is a good role model. So they can look to you for an example. My kids know my H isn't that for them, although they still love him anyway.
I would try to go NC and dark as much as possible. I think that's the best thing to do when they're having an active affair, which is what your H is having. GAL as much as possible, try to do fun stuff for yourself sometimes, and with the kids. Try new activities or lessons, that's really good at taking your mind off. I really like to exercise several times a week, and find myself getting more stressed out and that kind of stuff when I take off a day or 2. Karen
Hi karen43 - I posted this question separatly from my other thread to see if I could get some answers. I think my H like yours is driven by hatred towards us and I am not sure how to handle it. What do you think ?
I think my H like yours is driven by hatred towards us and I am not sure how to handle it. What do you think ?
Well, anger, MLC, maybe A hormones, and all that crazy stuff. I love to analyze WAS behavior too, but I think it's probably best to just focus on you rather than the craziness of your H. Do a lot of Galing, keep your contacts with H as limited as possible, hi and bye if possible. Work on making yourself the best you, and this will work out for you. Karen
