This may have been covered at some point, and if it has, I apologize. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about infidelity because I'm currently experiencing it with my WAW... and despite all of the pain, I'm strangely fascinated by it because it really does seem to follow a script.
My question is: are there certain personality traits or characteristics that make someone more prone to cheating on a spouse? One I've read on here is a demonstrated unwillingness or hesitation to admit fault... that is something I have seen in my W throughout our marriage. Are there other behaviors or traits that one should consider as potential "warning signs"? I guess I'm sort of looking for a cheat sheet on what to look out for in my future relationships... maybe it's not quite that simple, but since everything else feels like it follows a script, maybe this does too.
No. I'm not a person that hesitates to admit fault, and I had an affair. I never, in a million years, would have thought that I would have been capable of this. No one that knows me would have thought it either. I made a bad choice, and extremely immoral one. I don't believe anyone is more prone to this than anyone else. I know you don't believe it, but all I can say is that I would have thought that, too....before I had the affair.
Not that I'm aware of, Jay. I do know the recidivism rate is fairly high, so you COULD say that a trait would be "someone who's had a prior incidence of infidelity," but other than that . . .
I've seen a lot of LBS say that their WAS were looking for the OP to make them happy or things like that. So I think people that are looking for the person that will make them happy instead of trying to maybe make yourself happy might be more prone to affairs. One thing I've learned I think is that you have to do that for yourself.
My H is also from a family where all his siblings and parents have had multiple marriages (this has happened in the past 19 years before we married or would have been a red flag I think), so in his case I think their family and he views marriage differently than I do, my family had basically no divorces and it wasn't seen as an option really, and I still kind of think that way. Karen
Me too Karen. My family just doesn't have divorces where W's it's pretty much the norm.
So how do you get a WAS to understand that divorce really affects kids when they are the product of divorced parents. It's like they'd have to admit they're screwed up by what their parents did and who wants to admit that?
I think it also can lead to an attitude that "I need to do what makes me happy" which seems to be where a lot of the D's in her family came from. Wasn't a whole lot of "lets solve our problems so WE can be happy and the kids live in a well adjusted household". Just "I need to be happy and F everyone else".
And that's just sad.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Oh, another thing I've noticed is that a lot of our WAS seem to have addictive personalities: gambling, alcohol, or whatever. My H is a sober alcoholic but even after he gave up alcohol he had a series of obsessions: billiards, ping pong, triathlons, running, kayaking, etc. I suspect OW is just the latest addiction. And a lot of his behavior, esp. early on, was like a crack addict being deprived of crack when he wouldn't be able to text OW for a few minutes. So I guess that could be a sign. Karen
