If my M hadn't been unhappy my H's A would never have happened. he was unhappy and some woman came along and saw that and felt she could fill a void. Simple as that. If our M had been in a good place my H would never have given the OW a second glance. Now he can't beleive that he did look twice at the skanky cow.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie's right. I was unhappy for a long time. I may have rewritten some of the marital history to justify the affair I had eventually. But, I was unhappy. My H knew I was unhappy. He was unhappy. We had tried counseling. We talked a lot. I told him what I needed. He knew. He was passive-aggressive and told me what he needed in that manner. We both did not try to fix our marriage in a healthy manner, and the counselor we saw was not pro marriage. I was not the "type" of person to do this. I was not the "type" to NOT look inwardly. I was lonely, frustrated, vunerable. I made really bad choices, and fell to someone who seemed to fill every void. The OM was NOT better looking, he was NOT financially stable, he was NOT a reliable person, he was NOT a BETTER choice. He was a man that came loved me when I was in need of a kind of love I was not getting, and no one was telling me that my marriage could be saved. In fact, I heard the latter from my enabling girlfriend and was given bad advice from my counselor.
I guess I'm coming from the camp of people who had a happy marriage and were blindsided by the A. When my W says that this would have happened eventually, I just have a hard time believing it considering how our marriage had been up to that point. I guess I could believe her, but it doesn't jive with what I know about her and how our relationship went.
I think it's an important distinction because when they say "this would have happened anyway," it's sort of like saying "this marriage was doomed," and I think it blocks them from making realistic attempts at recovery. If they can admit "I screwed up and I became infatuated with someone else," there is more to work with. I think the fact that my wife claims the former when the reality of our marriage didn't suggest that means that she's into this really deep, and I don't think she WANTS to get out of the EA. She's continually looking for reasons to rationalize why she is in it.
Well, my H would have said our marriage was normal at first, too. It took a while before we BOTH realized that we didn't see things clearly, and didn't take responsibility for our marriage and how it was REALLY going. My H, to this day, still says that it was an extreme shock to find out that I had an affair. I was not that "type". I still am not that "type".
As for her saying "this would have happened anyway"....yeah, she is trying to justify leaving you, and a way to rationalize it. If she doesn't rationalize it she has to look at herself and what she has done.....this is extremely hard to do, especially if she has made one story about you and her to other people.
YOU may have believed you had a happy M but obviously your W DID NOT feel the same. If she did she would not have strayed. I just don't believe that she was so happy she thought "oh lets go cause all this upheaval and get involved with someone else". There had to be something lacking for her to do that.
I know when you are hurting sometimes it is hard to dig deep and see what that was....but one needs to.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My W was unhappy but she said she didn't consider leaving until the OM (who was also married) put the idea in her head. They kind of made a pack together to break up with each other's spouses. I don't think my W would had gone looking herself but she was vulnerable to someone else's pressure.
It's a shame she was so weak, it'll be her downfall I believe.
I agree Rob. OM in my W's case told her he was going to D his W so they could be together forever, but he had no intention of doing that and was in fact cheating on my W with another GF all the time telling my W that he was working on D'ing his W.
And she fell for it.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
"And of course a large number of affairs, as documented by Dr. Harley and others, happen to even HAPPY marriages."
I totally don't buy it, and I've certainly never seen a case like that on these boards. Not one. There are plenty of cases in which the LBS creates a cloyingly idealistic view of the best M on earth while the WAS goes off the deep end as well, just in the opposite direction. But when people get back to a more objective place, I don't recall one case in which an LBS has said, "yeah, we did have a great M, the only big problem was the A."
That being said, it occurred to me that I should be clear on one thing. Problems in an M don't justify an A, and people should be careful to avoid putting themselves in risky situations. Affairs don't "just happen." They arise because of choices the affair partners make.
On a related note, just saw this story, thought some of you might be interested...
"And of course a large number of affairs, as documented by Dr. Harley and others, happen to even HAPPY marriages."
I totally don't buy it, and I've certainly never seen a case like that on these boards. Not one. There are plenty of cases in which the LBS creates a cloyingly idealistic view of the best M on earth while the WAS goes off the deep end as well, just in the opposite direction. But when people get back to a more objective place, I don't recall one case in which an LBS has said, "yeah, we did have a great M, the only big problem was the A."
Oldtimer,
I'm not a researcher, nor a counselor. I'm merely reporting what Dr. Harley and others have written, and I believe it. I do think it's a minority of marriages tho (maybe 20%?), and that the large majority of them do have problems, at best, or are dysfunctional, at worst, which leads to the conditions that make infidelity possible -- even probable.
I also think that these boards do not represent a scientific sample, and are highly skewed in that it's usually the betrayed spouse from whom we're hearing, and we're getting everything secondhand. I do see HUNDREDS of posts from LBSs that say "I thought we had a good marriage" . . . . "and he/she never complained before recently" . . . etc., and I'll ask the question "When did the marital complaints start?" and "Did he/she ever complain about 'controlling' behavior previously?" and -- INEVITABLY -- the answer I get back is that it ONLY started when the adultery did.
Sadly, in some social circles, infidelity has become not only ACCEPTABLE, but even FASHIONABLE. It's not always dysfunctional marriages that breed it, and I think we underestimate, in all of our "WHY did this happen?" angst, the sheer animal simplicity of "Because they were selfish, and it felt good, and having made the mistake, it became addictive."
