My WAW said something a while back that has been bugging me. When we've discussed the OM and her EA, I've asked questions like: "what if I had intervened earlier?" "what if circumstances had changed and my W never met the OM?"
Her response (and she has said this multiple times) was that if it wasn't this OM, it probably would have been someone else. I've wondered if this is really true, or if it's a way for her to rationalize her behavior (i.e. "this EA happened because it was destined to happen given my feelings and the state of my marriage.")
For others who have gone through this, what are your thoughts? Did you believe that an affair was inevitable for your spouse, or was it simply circumstance and opportunity that led to the relationship with that particular OM/OW?
In a way, I think the former is almost easier to deal with, because if it was something about the particular OM/OW, it creates too many "what if" questions like I asked myself above. It makes you think that if things had just happened slightly differently in the past, it could have been the difference between a broken marriage and a happy one.
You're looking for reason from a fogged-out, reason-less spouse, but I'll take a crack at it:
I think that the marital conditions that would make one partner look outside of the marriage to get their needs met -- whatever they are -- do lend themselves to repeated looking, so if it hadn't been this guy, it might've been another. HOWEVER, it's also true that wayward spouses almost always re-write marital history, to make it worse than it was, to justify their adultery.
Did she have legitimate, communicated marital complaints before her affair? Or just retroactively after it?
It would have been someone else if not this guy. My W did the same thing. Twice before this when things weren't good she got buddy buddy and feelings for different OM. Both times those OM moved away and things got back to normal for us.
However, this time, this guy isn't moving anywhere. So yes, I have to say that she is right. It would have been someone else at some point if not for current OM.
Just my experiance.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I too think if it wasn't this OM it would be another. My W also had retroactive feelings. My W also had something similar happen 3 times before, but no where near the extent of this recent EA. The other 2 times ended very quickly, long before the "friendship" got out of hand or threatened our M. I think the type of person that looks elsewhere is just that type of person, and will look no matter what. Does your W look at herself as a source of her problems, or is she always blaming other people/circumstances? Mine is always looking externally--I think that's symptomatic of a spouse who cheats. So, bottom line for me is that this is simply part of their character and until the sin is crucified it will remain part of their character. There is nothing unique, special, or better about the OP.
My W was unhappy but she said she didn't consider leaving until the OM (who was also married) put the idea in her head. They kind of made a pack together to break up with each other's spouses. I don't think my W would had gone looking herself but she was vulnerable to someone else's pressure.
It's a shame she was so weak, it'll be her downfall I believe.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
I don't think the retroactive reasoning has much to do with A's in particular. It is standard in most any M that breaks up that one person leaves. The person who leaves has a hugely skewed toward the negative view of the M. The person who was left gets a hugely skewed positive view of the M.
It is often when one spouse moves toward a more moderate (and realistic) view of the M that the other spouse does as well.
And, a realistic view almost certainly includes the fact that the M was not good for either of the partners for a very long time, long before any A. The A is indeed a symptom, not the cause of the dysfunction in a painful M.
It is often when one spouse moves toward a more moderate (and realistic) view of the M that the other spouse does as well.
And, a realistic view almost certainly includes the fact that the M was not good for either of the partners for a very long time, long before any A. The A is indeed a symptom, not the cause of the dysfunction in a painful M.
I think one of the distinctions, at least in my mind, is between the marriage as a whole -- which as you say, oldtimer, is often dysfunction at worst, or at least had some major problems at best -- and the IN LOVE feeling of the partners toward each other. A wayward spouse often re-writes marital history to say that "I never loved you," or "I haven't loved you for YEARS," when it's simply not true -- it's the brain rush of the new paramour skewing their view.
And of course a large number of affairs, as documented by Dr. Harley and others, happen to even HAPPY marriages.
I was not looking. I was looking for conversation with people, and not in a chat room or "place to meet people" I was just talking with people about a similar hobby and interest. I did my best to even hide my gender! When people knew it, I fended off any of "that" kind of attention abruptly. I became friends with someone with innocent intentions, and I fell in love with THAT person.
Was I very unhappy in my M? Yes. Had I communicated this fact? Yes. Had we had problems off and on for years? Yes. Did I try even harder to communicate that fact after I met this person? YES! Did I think I was capable of getting involved with another person or having an A? Absolutely not. Did I rewrite my marital history? No, I did not.
Do I think I will do it again? NO.
So. Take that for what it's worth. I wasn't "that type of person." I was completely judgmental of people who "were." I'm less likely to judge all situations as the same now. All affairs are wrong...but they aren't all the same. Circumstances played a part in my sitch because it felt "safe" to be conversing with this person living in another city, so I crossed some emotional boundaries that I never would have with a man in "real life." I never imagined it would snowball into what it did.
As to the original poster...I would take your wife at her word. If she says it would have been someone eventually, then I suppose it would have.
Why has she had to say this multiple times though? What answer are you looking for?
