Several years back, I would have answered something like you have answered. But during a spirituality exercise at one time, I decided that I would allow anyone to stare at me who wanted to, and I wouldn't project upon them any preconceived notions about "why" they were staring at me.
Also, I wouldn't look away NOR stare back. Just act natural and really not care at all. But the point of the exercise was to ... allow other people to enjoy the gift of my beauty without interfering.
I know that may sound like a horribly conceded thing to say...but the thing is...I'm a pretty girl, yeah...but its not my outer prettiness that people stare at. Its my light within. I have always known this but its something that, at face value, people don't understand. They just think that no matter how bright my inner light is, people aren't looking at that, they are looking at my prettiness. I know this is not the case, for many reasons. But of course I can't prove it to anyone but myself....all I know is that I shine bright and I won't be put off just because someone wants to admire that brightness. I will let them, and if I catch their eye in the process, I'll not drop my gaze in fear of giving them a gift that only I can give.
But again....just ramblings....nothing really relative, its just, for me, this experiment was a spiritual one...but now that I have practiced this for a few years, I realize it is also an exercise in understanding intimacy.
Whether we are HD or LD, it seems that true intimacy is intimidating....and, aren't they actually from the same word root? And I believe "intimate" means actually to "make known".
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I have learned so much about *true* intimacy from my fiance that I never knew before...and yet I was screaming to the world "I WANT INTIMACY!!!" And then when the opportunity to have true intimacy was upon me, I would scurry under my emotional blankets and ask "why are YOU here in my world of alone-ness trying to drag me out?"
I also learned that, some people actually use physical intimacy as a way to AVOID true emotional intimacy. That one took a long time to sink in for me, but now I think I finally "get it".
DQ,
Over 2 years into my own journey, I find this very timely and interesting. I desire to have an intimate, sensuous and sexual marriage with my wife, nothing less, and I believe I am making real progress compared to where we were 3 or 4 years ago. I think at that stage I talked about intimacy, but did not walk the walk. I lacked the courage of my convictions, was angry and frustrated, but was quick to blame it on my wife (thus giving her no incentive to deal with her own issues).
At the risk of sounding personal, in what ways were you avoiding intimacy with your fiance, and why? How did you and he get over this problem?
I agree that intimacy is intimidating - I think because (i) it requires commitment and therefore discipline, (ii) its like a fire and requires effort and fuel, but most of all (iii) because true intimacy is based on truth and honesty, we have to really reveal who we are - and there are always things we want to hold back (even from our partner) out of embarrassment, shame or a fear of rejection. So intimacy also requires (iv) strength and courage to hold on to yourself in the face of who our partner reveals to us!?!
Intimacy is definitely intimidating, but I (and I think my wife) are now starting to see how alive and connected we feel when we face up to that fear and walk into it.
"Some people actually use physical intimacy as a way to AVOID true emotional intimacy."
True - I think both men and women do this - perhaps for different reasons. I've read posts by men who say their wives "let" them have sex, but don't "show up" emotionally; I think that causes great emotional pain and worsens the problem. Equally, there are men that see sex as a short-cut to intimacy, and neglect all the other things that make a connection (John Gray is obviously good on this).
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
I've read posts by men who say their wives "let" them have sex, but don't "show up" emotionally; I think that causes great emotional pain and worsens the problem.
Uh... that would be me. It does hurt like hell. "I'll do this for you H but I don't really want to get close to you."
How can you ever get close to someone that won't let you in?
S&A asked: "At the risk of sounding personal, in what ways were you avoiding intimacy with your fiance, and why? How did you and he get over this problem?"
You know the weirdest part is, I'm not even sure myself why I was holding back on intimacy. No doubt it must be an old childhood wound or something....but I don't really have any direct knowledge of a specific reason.
I think subconsciously, it was for the same reason most people hold back on intimacy: the fear of losing myself by the act of sharing myself with someone else. Somehow, when you consider how deeply intimate two people can really become, its scary to think then that you might - oh, say for instance - you might make unconscious noises or body movements during a passionate moment, which might make you look stupid and they will laugh at you. Or you might feel so close to someone you fear you will never want to let go, you fear you will get fused with them, or you fear that you will die without them if you "let them in". Or you think that you will be rejected if you let someone into you so close that they can feel and see all of you....they might decide they don't like what they see. Or they might later use it to hurt you somehow....
None of these types of thoughts were conscious in my head, but somewhere lurking in the shadows, we all beat ourselves up and tell ourselves that "no one will really want you if they really know you all the way".
But of course, none of these crazy ideas are or were true, and my fiance had to keep gently showing me that they weren't true. The "how" of this was easy for him, because he could see right past all my deflection of intimacy and see into my TRUE desire, which was to be fully intimate on all levels with him. My passion sort of oozes out of me (even when I'm trying to keep it hidden) so he knew he had a willing student, just a student who would throw up some road blocks here and there.
Being totally sure of himself was the key. He led me by example. He was so open with his intimacy and passion that it made me be brave, over time.
For instance, as I said above, maybe one fear of becoming too intimate is because you fear you will look silly in a moment of passion if you make weird noises or whatever. Well, he showed me exactly what it DOES look like when he really lets go and makes any noises or movements his body wants to make in that moment...and of course, it was beautiful to watch. It wasn't uncomfortable or strange at all....and yet, I feared it would be strange to HIM if I were the one to really let go? Of course it wouldn't look strange to him, it would be beautiful. This was obvious to me as he revealed himself to me and how much I loved seeing him truly let go, versus keep ahold of everything inside himself. This is just one example.
Another example: I had some body image issues leftover from my teen years. I don't even want to justify them because, basically, in retrospect, even the body issues were in themselves, an attempt to block intimacy. It was a way of saying "my mind is sick enough to see my body as it isn't, so I'm going to use this as an excuse to not let anyone see me naked". And to me, not letting someone see me naked was a way of not letting them "see me" at all.
I really actually thought I had the body image issues tackled by the time I met fiance...but I hadn't. As soon as I was in the position of getting naked with someone new (after being married for 15 years), it all rushed back and I found myself unwilling to get totally naked in front of him. I told him my "story", the tangled web of lies I told myself which made up the "reason" why I had body issues. Again, in retrospect, this was all just excuses to not allow him to really "see me". But to his credit, he was very gentle about it, sensitive to my "story", and never really pushed me to get totally naked. Instead, he just slowly but surely made me comfortable in his presence, and also showed me by example that HIM being naked didn't bother HIM one bit....which did make me stop and ponder, "heck, why AM I being so weird about this?" Because my fear of being naked was so wrapped up in this old teenaged story about myself that I had been telling myself for so long, it didn't really make sense anymore.
Just as a side note, even though I was not willing to get totally naked, we WERE having very passionate sex by this time. Yes, that's right...we had sex and I would not be totally naked.
Its actually laughable now!
Finally after we had been together about 10 months or so, and he had been totally patient all this time...there was one time that we decided spontaneously to have sex in broad day light in his truck...we had parked in an out-of-the-way place, but it was still a little bit risky because people could have come around a corner and seen us. The riskiness was part of the excitement, of course. So we hopped in the back seat and started removing clothing, but I (as usual) refused to remove my bra (because if I at least had a bra on, I would not be "totally naked"). I climbed on his lap and we started making out, and then he started taking my bra off of me. I stopped him and expected him to "honor" my stupid insecurites and not make me get fully naked, especially not here in broad daylight in semi-public.
Usually he would "honor" my insecurities...but this time, he made a stand for himself, and for our intimacy. He stopped making out with me and started looking very sad, like he would cry. I was stunned and asked "what the heck is wrong, honey?" He just simply said "I need you to share yourself with me, and you are refusing". I said "but you know that's how I am honey, what's the big deal?" He said "the big deal is that you are holding yourself back from me, not sharing yourself, not giving yourself to me". The look on his face told the rest of the story to me. I finally "got it". I understood what I had been doing, all at once in that moment.
While he had been patient and sensitive to my internal stories that "caused" me to not want to get naked, he had also been waiting for me to come out of that shell, and he expected and deserved for me to come out of that shell. I was making it clear to him in that moment, that I wasn't really growing. I was staying stuck in my old stories, in my shell. I was refusing to be fully intimate with him.
So I whipped my bra off and hopped back on him, totally naked there in the daylight....we made love and it was awesome and so much more intimate than ever before....and I have never held myself back like that, ever since.
And we have gotten more and more intimate (on all levels) ever since that one time. Because I really did let go of whatever fear was holding me back....but it took seeing that look on his face for me to understand it. Before that moment, I didn't see how holding back on intimacy (in my case, using my nakedness as a sign of intimacy) would or could actually HURT HIM. But once I realized that if I don't give ALL of myself, he will not feel fully intimate toward me either....I just stepped out of those shackles all at once. Well...maybe a tiny bit of resistance remained, for a while. After all, those years and years of telling myself the same story about body issues had a lot of power over me. But it got really easy after that...I grew in leaps and bounds after that.
I became very secure about my body, being naked, and really truly GIVING MYSELF to him entirely. Not holding anything back. This is when I then started to look around inside my mind and found other traps and ways of blocking intimacy....it was weird actually. I actually laid mines in my mind - one step and KABLAM! NO INTIMACY FOR YOU, ONE YEAR!
Its so hard to try to describe these things, but I hope my examples above give you the gist of it.
Any stories or examples from anyone else is encouraged....
Being totally sure of himself was the key. He led me by example. He was so open with his intimacy and passion that it made me be brave, over time.
For instance, as I said above, maybe one fear of becoming too intimate is because you fear you will look silly in a moment of passion if you make weird noises or whatever. Well, he showed me exactly what it DOES look like when he really lets go and makes any noises or movements his body wants to make in that moment...and of course, it was beautiful to watch. It wasn't uncomfortable or strange at all....and yet, I feared it would be strange to HIM if I were the one to really let go? Of course it wouldn't look strange to him, it would be beautiful. This was obvious to me as he revealed himself to me and how much I loved seeing him truly let go, versus keep ahold of everything inside himself.
DQ,
This setting the example of totally opening up is something I'm really growing into. Its what Dr Robert Glover (NMMNG) calls "going all the way in" i.e. being absolutely present in the marriage and indeed life generally.
Its made a big difference in our last few encounters.
I think when she sees me physically and spiritually naked, entirely lacking any self-consciousness or fear, and totally passionate in my intent to ravish her, it triggers the same thing in her.
As you say, a lover enjoying us enjoying them, is truly a beautiful thing.
Enjoy Valentine's Weekend.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
I have a pathological fear of intimacy. Truth be told, I have a fear of rejection. This stems from a complete lack of self-esteem/self-respect.
This renders me incapable of any relationship, with any form of intimacy. My marriage is a dead shell. The same is true of most other relationships in my life. I make most of those around me miserable, to be totally honest.
This is probably due to some sort of trauma in early childhood. I am still trying discover what this is - what was the source of this pathology. I may never come to it.
Really, this is not a condition that would wish on my worst enemy.
Wow mrpathetic...I mean just...wow....your post nearly brought tears to my eyes...but mostly because, I think in our deepest nooks and crannys of our minds, we all have that same fear and feelings of being unworthy of love...
I hope you can find a way toward your own healing...
