I came home for two weeks but my wife still feels like we need more time apart so either I have to move out or she says she will. Here is where we are now. It is no where near where I had hoped or even thought.
We have been separated for 6 months. She wants 12 more with a 6 month re-evaluation. She wants me to prove my emotional and financial stability before she commits to marriage again. She even wants me to show her my debt and bank statements every month so that we can come up with a determined amount that my debt will be reduced as a goal. I have to keep the job I have or move on to one with better pay and see a therapist and really take care of myself. That all shows me that she is serious and not being vague anymore. That is good right?
She says she wants to be happily married to me but that she will not be able to do it unless I prove this to her.
She says she will show me no encouragement along the way because she wants me to prove that I don't need her. She has always felt I depend on her too much.
As far as her affair which happened after we separated. She said she will not sleep with that guy again but she will continue to be his friend. I trust her because she has always told me the truth.
This is very one sided and it feels cruel. I can do the financial thing but a rigid 6 months with no love from her seems to be opposite of the reason to save the marriage.
She said that she really really wants me to succeed and wants to be my wife. She said she will forgive me and ask me to forgive her and do all she can to make my pain go away if I can do this.
I think I can do this but it seems almost too business like, is that okay?
I'd suggest you try to stick to ONE forum, so people can follow your sitch and get its context. Considering that both you and your wife had admitted to affairs, I'd suggest the "Infidelity" forum, where you've been posting, as you'll get more specific expertise and shared experiences there.
What do you want? Do you want to retain a job and pay off your debt? Do you want to be more independent? Your wife can want that for you, but if you aren't willing, then it's pointless. If I were you, I would want those things. But, I'm not, and I don't know what you want.
So, if you want those things, I would say to my wife, "I intend to keep my job and pay off this debt, but because I want to, for myself, and not because you've made some condition on me. Regardless of what you do, I intend to get my sh@t together. I'm working on my independence, and so I'm not going to go over the statements monthly with you. If you'd like to get together for a date every couple weeks, or once a month, we could talk about how things are going, but I need to do this FOR ME. Do you understand that?"
The reason it feels so business-like, is because it is business-like. And it is not independent, it's being dependent on her. I also disagree with any kind of arrangement where she gets to act like she's "all that and a bag of chips". She may choose to see this guy "as a friend" (yeah right), but you can not reassure her that you'll be waiting patiently at the end of six months for her. You are moving forward with your life. If she wants to be any part of it, OM can't be, in any capacity.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Sure sounds to me like she is really saying, I am going to continue seeing the OM, and when and if you make yourself seem like you can do more for her, you will get another shot.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
