My situation #8

[steady]

Last thread got locked up tight. Here's the link to the last one:

My situation #7

I'm going to repaste the last few posts from my last thread:

If it makes you feel any better, you are NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL. Yes I said NORMAL.

I would GAL like crazy and still find reasons to cry. I obsessed about the situation, woke up several times a night, couldn't even play the radio in case I heard a romantic song.

It takes time. Give yourself the time and the permission to feel all of these feelings. Its ok. You are ok even if this is going on in your life.

I know it doesn't feel like you will ever get stronger, but you will. Focus on the next step. Every night make a plan for something you are going to do the next day. Every morning review your plan and focus on it.

If you feel sad, give yourself permission to feel it and to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying.

You are going to get through this. I had someone say to me today, I know you have faith. Sometimes we have to realize that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.

Steady..focus...you better focus..

focus in this order...

1. YOUR job...you got a brand new job..you want to keep that job..right now..it's very important..focus on it..

2. You and your kids

3. GAL...now..quit f**king around and GAL..

4. your emotional well being and physical...quit being a pussy..it's time to be a man...

5. The wife..you see she's frinkin LAST..she's frinkin LAST...don't be an ass to her but don't put her ass first either..

move FORWARD..MOVE FORWARD..put one foot in front off the other and move forward...

if you guys D..she will be banging somebody else..it's pretty plain and simple...you might think it will bother you but the truth is it's not gonna bother you that much cause you'll be banging somebody else too..unless of course you're gonna join a monastery somewhere.. truth of the matter is this..by the time this is all said and done you will be so detached she could bang somebody in front of you and you'd feel sorry for the poor bastid..

so detach..detach like there is no tomorrow..

When I get some time later on I'll reply.

[steady]

Hi Wifey. Thanks for stopping by. What you posted is right on. I know I'll be ok and time will make me stronger. I just wish I had a fast forward button.

Thanks Mike. I'm working my @ss off to detach. It's sometimes easier said than done. I'm trying to GAL but like I've said in previous posts I haven't made any friends up here since I moved. I'm starting to find ways to get out and socialize...I'm thinking about things I like to do (of course I lost myself somewhere along the years of my M) and find a group or something that is interested in the same things.

I'm putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Trying to focus on the task at hand and not looking too far ahead.

My W went to her SIL's on Sat so I got the kids after my IC session on Sat. Took them home and played then got them into bed. Sunday my W calls around 12:30 and talks about the casino night thing. Then she tells me she was thinking about spending the day at her SIL's and coming home later. I told her no problem. Have a nice time. No hesitation on my part. She called me later on in the day and said she was thinking about eating dinner over there and again I said no problem. I got the kids.

She paused for a moment then said, "Well I'm kind of tired so maybe I won't stay there." I said do whatever you want. If you want to stay there it's fine, I'll take care of the kids.

I took the kids out to the store then gave them baths. I fed them dinner then played - then I put them to bed. W calls around 8:30 and tells me she's on her way home. I told her to drive carefully. I did some reading and she got home around 9:30. She got ready for bed and then went into her room.

So I spent the weekend having fun with my kids. Didn't see or talkl to my W much. I had a decent weekend as far as my thinking about my sitch. Sat night and last night I was feeling very detached and thinking about what I need to do to take care of myself. As usual, the mornings have been the hardest.

[steady]

Borrowed this from Tim's thread from WT's post:

"Forget mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it. Today is your lucky day." Will Durant

[ndsmhelp]

How does this work now?? I'm supposed to get a drink for being the first one to post on your new thread? I'll take a rain check, please...just some coffee and a couple aspirins for my hangover this morning. Then again, maybe a little hair of the dog might help.

[steady]

Work was uneventful. After work I had to fill some prescriptions that I had. My SIL had to go to Target after her D and my S got off the bus. So I told her to just meet me there. My W called me as I was leaving work and said she was going to take our D with her to Barnes and Noble. She said she had to pickup a gift certificate for one of her school kids' birthday. I told her great have fun.

While I was in Target waiting for my prescriptions to get filled my W called me again. She called to tell me she passed a restaurant that we used to go to and they changed their name into some corny name. I said looks like they ruined another good restaurant. She gabbed for a little while about small talk and we got off the phone.

I picked up Pizza on the way home and my S and I ate. My W came home with my D and they ate. Before my W got home I did all the stuff that we need to do - empty the dishwasher, make the coffee, clean out my S lunchbox etc... There wasn't anything she had to take care of. She thanked me for taking her car to the carwash - I did that with the kids yesterday because they like riding through it and my W had my car at her SIL's house.

I feel pretty detached right now. It's funny but I see these thoughts pop up as I've been trying to detach more. They're like thoughts that just pop up out of some compulsion - 'what is she doing in that other room?' 'Maybe I should hang out in the kitchen to interact with her'. 'Maybe I shouldn't come down and post this because when she leaves my S's room she'll come in to get ready for bed' etc...

It's crazy. I pretty much wash out the thoughts with - "detach, it doesn't matter what she's doing. Do what I want to do in this moment and don't connect it at all with her." All this self-talk.

As I'm watching the thought patterns it amazes me to see how much of my thinking and behavior is somehow attached to her. Because I feel like I'm detaching more I have taken a few steps back and can now observe the thinking that's going on. Of course I don't act on any of it but it is fascinating to watch.

I don't know if I'm explaining it right but that's the best I can do. It is connected to some futile attempt at controlling the sitch and arises from a compulsion to do it. It's counterproductive to detaching. Oh by the way, did I ever mention I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (it's actually behavioral based rather than chemical - and I've been working on it with the MC in IC.) Makes it a bigger biach to detach.

Oh my, aren't I the lucky one...lol.

[Distressed67]

Stedy,

You sound so much better than you did last week. Your doing really well with taking care of yourself and trying to stop worring so much about what she is thinking or doing.

I have been doing the same thing. Trying to let what is going to happen happen and enjoy the moment. There is no reason at the moment to walk against the current of our stiches we might as well just float along with them and see where it takes us.

Crack a beer and enjoy the scenary is about all you or I can do right now. MC for me tonight, no expectations.

Keep it up and it will get easier over time.

Tim

[steady]

Borrowed this from JDollie's thread:

"I was wondering if you were ever going to figure out that they can't chase you until you are heading AWAY from them.(and mean it) Follow reality. Reality says chasing and pursuing does not work. Trying harder doesn't work. Telling them you have changed does not work. Listen to reality. It will lead you in the right direction.....

Nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who is confident, self assured, doesn't chase and fall all over her and is going somewhere with his life and shows her he can and will live perfectly fine without her... The train has left the station."

I thought it a fitting reminder to myself. But I also know that GAL is not about getting her to chase me, but rather for me to find myself and be a confident, happy, strong man.

Also borrowed this one:

I also agree that they have walked away think that they have left things behind. I know now that it doesn't work that way.

At the end of all this, WE are the ones that have done the work, we have looked inside and seen what we were and where we were. Now we are in a position to take this knowledge into the world and in my case, just try to help others to get there.

MWD says that in the DB book. They take their unhappiness with them, the sad thing is we can't tell them that, no matter HOW much we love them.

[steady]

Hi Tim. I agree about moving along with the sitch. I realize I have no control over the overall direction, obviously it's moving opposite of what I would want it to, but I don't have to float. This is a big realization for me - I have paddles and I can chose how I navigate this river which I can't control.

The direction I choose to paddle in is this: I'm going to take care of myself. I'm not going to worry about what my W is thinking/feeling/saying/behaving. It's her problem now. If she crosses a boundry and disrepects me then I'll stand up and deal with it. Other than that, she can do whatever she wants.

I feel the detachment taking hold over the last few days. Hopefully it is here to stay and to increase as time goes on. The reality is this:

I have no control, so anything I think, say or do to exercise control over the situation is futile. I can exercise control over how I think/feel/say/do while I'm in the position I'm in.

Like it was posted before in my thread, she'll jump off a cliff right now to get what she wants. I'm going to give it to her, but not without protecting myself. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? It makes no sense.

I wish things were different but wishes don't make things happen. It's funny, but years ago I was a firm believer that when the universe turns you around a corner you don't expect, it happens because there is a bigger picture that we can't see right now. In hindsight I can see my life and the bad events as a tapestry that has led me to a new and better event.

I don't understand nor can I see where this is taking me in the long run, but I have to get back to my roots and believe the way I used to believe. This is not fatalism at all, I know I can act instead of react, think before I do or speak, move myself in positive directions. But I often remember that I have never arrived where I thought I would so all the projecting is only making God (or the universe...whatever) laugh at my folly.

This direction may be the only direction that could possibly bring us back together, or it's the only direction that could possibly enable me to find my real happiness... I just don't know. That's where the 'We'll see' in my signature comes from.

Interpreting events in real time doesn't necessarily mean they mean what you think. Sometimes something that appears to be 'good' leads to 'bad' then back to 'good' then back to 'bad'. They're just neutral events and it's the spin or interpretation which we put on them which makes them good or bad. So i'm trying to keep my interpretation to a minimum and move with the flow of my life.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for now. Time to put my next foot forward.

By the way, I've had a pretty decent 2 or 3 days. I'm getting my mindset to come around and continue to work my @ss off to get it where it needs to be.

I see the goal, I see the process, I'm doing the work. Nothing more I can do. So I hold my head high.

[steady]

We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"We'll see," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"We'll see," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"We'll see," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"We'll see" said the farmer.

[steady]

I like this one too. Fitting story about letting go.

Obsessed
Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.

"Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied,"I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."