Divorce looming #4

[K4D]

True.

Kevin

[K4D]

I'm going to learn how to dance when I am in Florida also. I'm going to force myself to do new things and learn new things. Walking on the beach by yourself is not that great. But forcing yourself to get involved with interactive things will be good for me.

Not really into fishing, so deep sea fishing won't be my thing.

But between learning how to dance and joining a softball league and meeting new people, I will learn how to find myself. I'll get involved in a church there as well.

I'm going to do stuff I have never done before. I'm going to force myself to move on.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Kevin,

Walking on the beach is an amazing thing. Question for you though. I know the answer to this question, I think, but I want to hear your answer.

Why don't you want to walk on the beach alone?

Melissa

[K4D]

Mel,

I lived in Florida for 5 years with my W and daughters before we came back to Dallas a year ago.

I walked the beach many times alone. I also spent time on the beach with W and kids.

The beach is a beautiful thing. The waves. The peace. It gives you a chance to reflect on things.

Thats the problem. I will reflect and remember. And I will be alone when I do. Its not good for me. If I am going to move on, walking alone on the beach is not the best idea for me. To many memories. To much to take in that I am trying to move on from.

I'm not a loner. Never have been. Don't want to be. I made a real mess of my life in my M. I drove away the person that mattered most to me in my life. It would be hard to go to the beach and face my past alone.

The beach also brings thoughts about now. Right here and now. I don't know who I am right now. I don't know that walking along the beach or sitting on the beach helps me find myself.

Right now, I need to move on. I can't reflect anymore. I can't change what is. I can only try and change what is to be. And that means changing who I am and figuring out who I am. I don't know who I am right now. I have to figure that out. For to long my identity has been my W. It wasn't healthy. It isn't healthy.

I have to find myself. I truly do believe I was and am co-dependent on her. I have a scary new world to face without her. I have to learn how to adapt to that new world. And in order to do so, I have to force myself to find out who I am by doing new things.

The waves bring many things. Peace, memories, future thoughts, etc.

I'm sure I will walk it at some point. But I can't walk it until I have started figuring out who I am. Its almost like I need to walk it once I have discovered who I am so I can lay the past to rest.

I don't know if that makes any sense. But thats kind of where I am at right now.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

(((Kevin))),

You didn't drive her away, sweetie. She got in the driver's seat of that car all by herself. So stop blaming yourself. Yes, you are 100% responsible for your half of the marriage. But she's not owning up to her half. She's blaming her half on you, too, and that's not fair.

I hear someone who doesn't like himself. The things you have chosen to do are with other people. I am not knocking them in any way, shape or form, okay?! Really. I just want you to like yourself. I want you to be okay with just you...that if you are on the beach alone...it's good. If you are eating lunch alone at good restaurant and table for two, the food is still good. (The conversation is GREAT!!!)

((((Hugs))))
Melissa

Sorry if you think I'm picking on you. Really, I'm not.

[Twice-2-Her]

Kevin:

Sorry I have not written in awhile. Been busy on my own deal ya know.

I love this board. I love that Mel feels bad giving you great advice and and yet you should be paying her for it!

We are very similar, Kevin. We both put too much of our ability in our W. Like we were nothing without them. I too feel that if we D, what would I do?

Let me tell you and if you look you probably have similar stuff to think back that you did:

Before second M to W:

I moved to CA.
I opened a restaurant
I had to go before city council and ask that my restaurant be where I wanted it to be.
I had to borrow 75K
I had to sign a lease.

I did all that on my own, with no W.

I'm worried now that I can't do anything with out her. I fear life on my own again and fear life for my kids with D parents. Why do I fear my ability? I just told my self I can go either way, now I chose to DB.

You will GAL in Florida and you have new friends on this board who want to hear from you and support you.

It sucks I know, but I know you tried and it is not over till it is over.

Twice

[K4D]

Thanks Twice and Mel.

I am going to GAL. I bought my bat and glove and a softball today. My car is in the shop and won't be ready til tomorrow. My W is helping me pack today while finishing up the custody agreement.

The sky is overcast today. Its gonna rain I think. I used to love spending these kinds of days on the couch or in bed with W.

We are going to do a family dinner tonite at a japanese steakhouse with W's mom, stepdad, sister, and sisters boyfriend and of course my kids.

Tomorrow I will finish doing what I need to and then head out first thing Tuesday morning. I will arrive in Tampa sometime on Wednesday evening.

I'm still going to be posting on here though. I'm gonna try and DB from Tampa. Good luck with the D already filed though and W not having to stay in touch with me or see me around for a few months.

I'll be back for a week for springbreak. Hopefully she will be around. Then when I come back in May, W said she might fly down to Tampa and ride back with me. Primarily because I asked if she would. She may not though.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

It's true, Kevin. It's not over til the fat lady sings, goes home, eats supper, takes a shower (insert visual you did not need), and then goes to bed.

Twice, don't let me fool you. I talk a great game, but truth be told I've been in tears all friggin day. Just can't seem to quit focusing on the R or the lack of it. H is a great GALer because he is a social butterfly. Me, I'm a one person person. Say it with me...CO-DE-PEN-DENT....

Kevin, I'm glad you got the ball, glove, and bat. I really am proud of you .

Melissa

[SRTTF]

((((Kevin))))

Not sure if you have the book or not but you really need to read Co-Dependent No More. When I read the book I feel like they are writing about me. It is a huge help. I know it is hard but when ever you call to talk to the kids please, please, please, do not talk R w/ W. Where are you staying when you are in Fl? You mentioned you lived there before. Any old friends you can go do things with. I know you don't like the idea of walking the beach but it beats thinking about everything sitting in a room by yourself.

Hey just imagine Mel and I are on the beach with you. I only say that cuz it sounds like where Mel would like to be right now and I know I would love it.

[K4D]

I'll be in Tampa. No friends there. I used to live in Jacksonville Fl. Its about 3 hours from Tampa.

I'm not going to be talking relationship with the W while I am there.

I did try to laugh tonite and tell her, ok, you got me. Good practicle joke on whole divorce thing. You really had me going. That was a good one. Then I looked at her and she said uh huh. I was like dang it. Oh well, was worth a try. lol.

I would love for you and Mel to come visit in Tampa. We can all walk the beach together. That would be very nice. Let me know if yall want to do that at some point in the next few months. Would be great to have some friends down there to hang with for a bit.
Plenty of room at the house.

I have been thinking about getting that book co-dependent no more. Does it tell you how to break yourself of it though? I know it tells you what it is. Is it helping you any to break free from it?

Well, I am still packing. Was going to get my haircut today, tomorrow, and now it looks like when I get to Tampa.

I sign the waiver of service tomorrow morning along with getting the custody agreement notorized. Apparently I also submit my answer on the divorce tomorrow morning to when I sign.

I'm not looking forward to it. Maybe I should ask my W for a quickie before I sign it. lol. Probably not the best idea since she will have to be at work right after.