Well my original thread locked out. So I will start this one so I can stay in communication with all the awesome folks that have helped me so much through all of this.
So update: I am working on setting up my new place. I will be moving out the weekend after next if all goes smoothly. We still have to talk with the kids (younger sons-12,9,7), that will be tough.
She is working on getting a job. This isn't going to be easy in this market. She continues to fairly unpredictable in doing what she says she's going to do. Last night she took my daughter to youth group at 6pm. She told me she would visit her friend while SD was at the group and they would be home after. So she dropped SD and her friend off went to her friend's house, left that friend's house went to another friends house and another Mom dropped my daughter off back at home. She spent the night at 2nd friend's house. Came dragging in right after the kid's got up for school at 6AM said she fell asleep on the couch at 2nd friends house.
I am really hurting for her. She is just so not the person I have known all these years. She seems so lost. I know I have to let her sort all of this out. Any suggestions on how to help her without conflicting with DBing? Is just letting her deal with all of this herself the best policy? Detach and let her grow through this?
Puppy, Mel, 25,?
Jeff
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
If my wife came rolling in at 6am, I would turn out all the lights, lock up the house, and turn the alarm on.
And I would tell her that if it happened again, to not bother coming home, because I would have the locks changed. I'm sure you were concerned about her, and you probably didn't get a good night's sleep, and that's just plain DISRESPECTFUL. What if one of the kids had woken up in the middle of the night looking for their mother?
My wife did it -- ONCE -- with a 2am arrival. She got the message, and it never happened again.
The really need to focus right now on helping YOU -- not HER. Work on yourself, and give her her space, insisting only that your personal boundaries not be violated (whatever those are). Beyond that, it is not your job (nor is it ever a good idea) to rescue an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery.
Thanks for that. I am sleeping downstairs in the guestroom. Heard someone come in and thought they both came home together.
All a mute point in a week or so.
So question: Thinking about after I move out. Can you make some suggestions about detaching....Taking in to consideration we will have joint custody of the 3 boys?
Jeff
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
So she seems to be coming out of her fog. We had a 3.5 hour talk on the phone yesterday. I was blown away! We talked alot about not knowing where it would all end up bit realizing that it had to be a brand new realtionship. Taking the good from the past 14 years and discarding the rest.
She told me she felt something wake up in her yesterday that she hadn't felt in years. SHe came home in the AM from a friends and that she felt no judgement from me and I took care of the kid's and let her rest. She said she appreciated that so much.
We went on to talk about both of our EA's and started getting stuff out on the table. It was definatley a baby step.
NO expectations , but hope. No doubt the more I detach and just be there when I can with no expectation she comes back towards me. She also told me to let her come to me. The less pressure she feels she daid the more she wants to.
Thoughts?
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
So she seems to be coming out of her fog. We had a 3.5 hour talk on the phone yesterday. I was blown away! We talked alot about not knowing where it would all end up bit realizing that it had to be a brand new realtionship. Taking the good from the past 14 years and discarding the rest.
She told me she felt something wake up in her yesterday that she hadn't felt in years. SHe came home in the AM from a friends and that she felt no judgement from me and I took care of the kid's and let her rest. She said she appreciated that so much.
I'm sure she did. Wayward spouses love a world with no boundaries, where they are free to do as they please.
Quote:
We went on to talk about both of our EA's and started getting stuff out on the table. It was definatley a baby step.
This is excellent, that you're talking about your affairs! I hope you'll both keep doing this, and that you'll each own your roles in the damage to your marriage. Try to 2/3 listen, 1/3 talk if she'll let you.
Quote:
NO expectations , but hope. No doubt the more I detach and just be there when I can with no expectation she comes back towards me. She also told me to let her come to me. The less pressure she feels she daid the more she wants to.
Thoughts?
Again, I take her "don't pressure me" simply as a shot across your bow for her to try to maintain the control in the marital relationship -- no more, no less. I think a better response from you to these challenges should be a stronger "Well, I'm not sure you should THANK me -- you're an adult, and I can't control what you do nor do I have any desire to. I'm definitely moving down my own path right now, but you should know that I do have my own personal boundaries, and I hope that you'll respect them as long as we're still married" . . . or some such.
In summary, I think the new dialogue you're having about your EAs is good. And no, you can't control her and you SHOULD give her space. I just wouldn't have any illusions about what she's likely doing, and I would let her KNOW that you have no illusions. This would be very early for a true fog-lifting, in my opinion.
Good stuff...Thanks for that. A clarification if you will, she was thanking me for handling things and giving her the chance to rest... Not for the judgement part.
I have no illusions. Just trying to live my life in the present and not future-trip. Her mind seems to be opening to the possibility of a reconcile. Which is a positive sign.
I have to just keep moving forward as though the future may not have her in it and and I have to be okay with that if it comes about. While still "shining a light back to the marriage."
The next two-three weeks will be a tough transitition. However- Strength and Honor!
Jeff
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
So my wife was away for the weekend with her girlfriend and daughter's at a basketball tournament she had previously committed to go to.
She has completely started to reconnect with me both by texting and by phone calls. She intiated a long text conversation on Friday afternoon that was both playful and extended. The more I GAL and have started to reconnect to my former independance the more she reaches out and cheerleads. SHe has been reaching out all weekend....
Don't get me wrong...I don't think anything has radically changed but the moer I apply the DBing the more she is drawn back in.
She even asked if I wanted to go watch one of these tournaments in March?
OKay Puppy...Mel, 25...You know my whole story...I am moving into my own place this weekend. Not going back wards on that. Your observations, thoughts. My DB coach Joann is extremely positive on all of this. I am taking it with a grain of salt..
????
Jeff
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
Murphy's Law, bubba. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. It does sound positive. BUT. She may just be happy cause you'll be out of the way. Still, she wouldn't necessarily commit to those things if she didn't want to. We'll see, I guess. "Time will tell."
I still think it's a mistake, but not my choice. Let me put it this way. Moving out is NOT A MISTAKE I WILL EVER MAKE AGAIN.
Will keep my fingers crossed for you though.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I see your wife as being in the "normalization" phase of her affair with this OW. It's imperative for the typical wayward spouse to want to make their new relationship as acceptable as possible to their family and friends, and it's especially important for their betrayed spouse to "be OK" with the arrangement. They typically genuinely love their spouse (I think she does love you), they genuinely don't want to lose their friendship, emotional and financial support (ditto), and yet they must begin to transition this forbidden, illicit relationship into one that is accepted by those that they love and want to still have future relationships with.
I think this is what your wife is doing.
While it certainly makes for a MUCH less stressful dynamic, it rarely works effectively as a marriage-saving technique. In fact, the opposite is true -- the extent to which they feel you are NOT "okay" with things, and NOT "always there for them" is often the extent to which they get scared and snap out of their fog and realize what they're about to lose.
