\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[AFWAW]

Man, Puppy, I hope you are wrong. I will get the keylogger tomorrow and try to put it on her computer. Problem is she has it locked by password. I really think she just wants to be alone--trying to be optimistic but yes in the back of my mind there exists that thought that she maybe is having an affair. It will eventually come out. Before she went to billeting, she had called to see if I had picked up my daughter--I said yep and ended the conversation without saying I love you--super hard for me. She came home to get her things and just packed some clothes--nothing sexy. I said are u leaving? She said yes she needed some sleep and didn't want to talk tonight. Funny, she's the one starting all the r talk--she cries so much during the talks too, yet it's like she is running full throttle to get away--man this sucks bad. It is so hard to get a read on this, I don't know this person at all. She is totally different from the woman I left. Before she left, she hugged and kissed my daughter--we were watching tv together and she asked me If I wanted a hug--did it for two reasons--to see if any cologne smell(none, thank God) and because I really needed a hug--God this hurts so bad! It's 2am and I cant sleep and cant stop crying--dammit!!!!!!! We had set up a date for tomorrow (tonight, I guess) and she asked about what time we were going to go out--

Should I take this as a good sign or is she just trying to make it easier for me to accept?

How should I handle the date?

[AFWAW]

Wow, this sucks. Barely slept any last night dozed on and off. So worried about the future, hurt beyond words. Miss my wife, want her back now. I don't even know where to begin. She is signing her lease today from what she told me.

My question is how she can be so resolute in what she is doing?

She is giving me everything and making it easy. I think it hurts 10x worse than if she was yelling at me--at least she would care enough to get angry with me.

Want to ask her so many questions. Trying to resist but I am sooooo desperate right now. I DON'T WANT HER TO SIGN THAT DAMN LEASE!!! It kind of makes the problem even bigger.

For all you WAWs out there, please God get professional help/counseling before you do this--really give the husbands the opportunity to do the right thing--this is so not fun!

[sadfirefighter]

AFWAW- I am just catching up on your sitch. I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. I do know that you have found a great group here to help you through this terrible season in your life.

My sitch has some similarities to yours and I would definitely recommend checking the cell records. Call the cell company and get the login info or have them e-mail you a detailed statement. I never did get a chance to do the keylogger b/c my W was already in a R with OW and she moved out once confronted. I would definitely get the keylogger if you can and set yourself up as an admin on the computer-this allows you to see everyone's account.

I don't know that I can help a whole lot right now b/c it appears I am headed straight for D. I should know more today b/c the W wants to "talk". If she does not have any answers-I don't know what I will do. I am totally with you on the hurt and pain.

These women are/can be seemingly ruthless B*T%H's. They have used us up and now want to drag us along in the mud. It makes a very jagged wound instead of a clean cut-making it that much harder to heal.

The DR book is excellent. I tried some of the techniques and they work. Some don't. I think it depends on approach and the WAW. Don't know if you are prayeful or not but I am (hope this does not sound offensive) and I will keep you and all the many others on here in my prayers and thoughts. For now-keep your head held high; I think it helps keep the tears from falling!

[Mellenmack]

If she is crying that is good. I don't think I would be sympathetic though. If she is crying she is either having second thoughts or feeling guilty or not really wanting to make this decision but feels forced into it (probably out of guilt).

This may help some of you understand. When we stay with you, we stay wrapped up in all of the emotion of the R at the time. And THAT is what we desperately need to be able to get away from to see things clearly. That's why it is easy to go look at at apartment and sign a lease. THAT path has does not have so much emotion down it and we are already overloaded with emotion. All of my feelings were overwhelming me. There are still some conversations, especially about his OW now, that I my emotions cup is already pretty much full, and it only takes about 2 exchanges to put me at full and overload me. It's called flooding. Down this path of less emotion, are the times I felt sane. I may have looked crazy from the outside, but I felt sane on the inside. Like it was something I had to do. To make sure this place in my life was where I wanted to be. It sucks that I had to bring everyone else in my life down this road, too.

I dunno. I think she is at least having an EA, maybe with somebody from work from what it sounds like. Don't you know someone you could ask that you trust to tell you the truth? Cell phone records are a big help.

Why doesn't she want to take your daughter? Interesting. How old is your daughter?

I made everything easy too. Because I felt it was the right thing to do and because I felt guilty. H was not the reason I wanted the D. I was. So why should he have had to pay for my mistakes??

I wouldn't ask her if she is having an A. But I think it is safe to assume she is. Leaving that cell phone lying around for you to be able to check....is too much. A normal person wouldn't do that. Mine stays in my purse. I have never locked mine either. It just seems like it's too much of a show, but maybe it's just how I see it from what you said.

(((John)))

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

I shouldn't have said I wouldn't ask her. You can ask her all you want. But I don't think you are going to get an honest answer. I should have said, you can ask her, but it's pointless because I believe she is going to lie to you anyway.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Thanks everyone for your replies, thoughts and comfort. Ok, I'm done crying for today. I think I've lost 7 pounds in the past week. Didn't call me wife at all today. Took my daughter to her singing audition/testing for her choir. She did awesome--so proud of her and wonder why I never took the time to sit back and enjoy it. She asked if we could stay and see some other girls sing. The old me would have said no lets go and I would have come home and watched tv. I said sure sounds good and her jaw dropped. I listened to a couple of songs then told I'll be outside take your time and let me know when your ready. Had some fresh air and cleared my head and just relaxed. No place to be and the house can get cleaned anyday. My daughter came out an hour later and smiled and asked if she could spend the night at her friends house from the choir. I said, why not? Jaw drop number 2. She smiled so big at me--ahhh, felt great. Got home and jut relaxed--heh, I deserve it I was just in Iraq. My Dad called and asked how things were going--gave him the lowdown, he just listened. In the middle of talking, the wife called on the other line. Well, I let it ring about 6-7 times before I switched over. She asked how my day was and I said pretty good, how about yours? She said it was ok and then started talking about the relationship again. I told her about the interaction w/ my daughter--she was like wow. Told her about the talk I had w/ my SS--how he hugged me and told me I was a good dad--got the question and said why haven't you done that before. Told her that something just clicked in me while I was in Iraq and I felt like I'd been focusing on the wrong stuff for years and wanted to just relax, have others relaxed around me and just enjoy living because I honestly don't think I have been. I mean for God's sake I have a vette and haven't even enjoyed driving it cause I worried about something happening to it--stupid--slowly but surely changing. She said well, I didn't have some life changing event/ephiphany in Iraq and its just to late for me right now. I said ok. I asked if she signed the lease for her apartment. She said she didn't even if they would let her since she has a mortgage--man, I'm praying they don't. Started to plead for her to come home--she started to get defensive--caught myself when she said I wanted to call you like 10 times last night--WTF???? Immediately, stopped pleading and she started talking about just wanting a break and that she didnt want to hurt me. She slept all night and most of the day and wanted to know if I wanted to go out to dinner still. I said that I did and she said good. She said I don't want a divorce--actually said it but she wants to live alone for a while--said I understood and would take care of things at the house--she said good you're going to have to. Started asking questions about other men(I know a big no,no) She got pissed and said she doesn't have another man, doesn't want another man and if I didn't quit asking she was not gonna call anymore. Ok, backed off and she relaxed again. Wow, this DB stuff really works--focused and we started talking again.

She mentioned that she want to go to counseling and I said great. We'll set it up on Monday. She said ok. Lot's of positives.

I ended the conversation, hey I have to go my daughter's friend had showed up to pick her up. She said ok, can I call you later? I said sure why not and hung up. Felt great!

One step at a time I guess--I have a lot more hope this hour. Not exactly what I want yet--duh, I want her home, but I guess I want her home the right way and I want her healthy and happy.

Any inputs for my date tonight? Thanks again for your support--you are good people!

[AFWAW]

I'm not sure why she doesn't want to take my daughter who is 12. I think its partially because she doesn't want to take her out of her comfort zone and my wife just wants alone time. It seems really selfish but I am not complaining about her leaving my daughter behind as that would really suck if both were gone. She did say that she was a shitty wife and mom and that maybe the kids needed a break from her too cause she was not effective in enforcing discipline and has just been kind of apathetic w/ them. Just wants to be alone--keeps saying this.

I made everything easy too. Because I felt it was the right thing to do and because I felt guilty. H was not the reason I wanted the D. I was. So why should he have had to pay for my mistakes

--this is very similar to what she said to me, interesting.

Leaving her cell laying around is not out of the norm for her. She leaves everything laying around--hence the big fat mess in my house--still optimistic that there is no EA/PA but wary. I am not taking what you and everyone else is saying lightly though.

Good insight and thanks for your support! Gonna start cleaning up a little and relax a little more.

[spellfire]

Lots of positives man. Looks like you are a quick learner, you are already figuring out which approaches result in negative comebacks.

Keep working on yourself and enjoying life. Heck, even when you clean up the house try to enjoy it, crank some good music and work hard, it will take your mind off things and give you the satisfaction of seeing the house transform.

Advice for your date? Treat it like it is a first date. Look and smell great, aim to make it a very relaxed and fun time, no talking about any heavy stuff, no R talk whatsoever. IF she brings R things up LISTEN to her and VALIDATE what she is saying ("I completely understand", "You are right", "Who could blame you for that" etc). Let her get things off her chest, but don't participate.

All the basics of good dating apply:

* Clean car, pick her up, get the door for her, be a gentleman.
* Make sure to order for her, or let her order first.
* You pay.
* Don't ever appear needy, upset, out of emotional control. Be masculine. Don't ask her if you can kiss her goodnight, just do it if it feels right.

[AFWAW]

Sigh, she called again. Cancelled for tonight--didn't really say why and I didn't ask. Said well, I'm going out anyway. She said what?! I said yep, no reason to stay home. She said wow. Don't be coming over here--she is still in lodging on base. I said don't worry, I'm not--gonna give you the space you need. She said you sound so much better--I like this conversation--hey baby steps I guess. She said where you gonna go? I said out. She said well don't drink and drive--is that concern? We'll see what happens. Even suggested a couple of bars. Don't know how this is gonna play out, trying not to get too optimistic.

Still think she's going to move out if she can but hey I talked w/ my sister for an hour today--haven't done that in years, talked to my parents--been about 8 months since I've really talked to them. Well, I guess I'll relax for a bit and go out for a while--kind of disappointed but heh, one step at time. Sure wish she was home. 8 months away from home--sure wanted to come home to a loving wife. Oh well, Wish me luck.

[Mellenmack]

Have fun tonight. My advice earlier was going to be to tell her no to tonight anyway. Why WOULD you have gone with her? She hasn't done anything to indicate that she has changed her mind and if/when she does, believe me you will know because she will TELL you in no uncertain terms that she wants you back. If I were you, I'd be unavailable for her. Don't answer her calls. Let the machine get it. If she asks a legitimate question, fine, return the call, but if she is just calling to check and see if you are "ok", that is bs. She calls to check on you (baits you) and then when you give an honest answer "no", she turns on you and tells you off and to get used to it. Who needs that?
And no, it's none of her business where you go at this point. She has made her choice. Let her live in it for awhile and see if she still likes it sooooooo much. I guarantee you she won't, but she has to get to that on her own. And it won't be overnight.

I know you want to maintain hope, and I certainly don't blame you, but you gotta be realistic, too. Everytime she dangles a little bit of something in front of you, you take it. You gotta quit taking it (the bait). You don't want stinky bait anyway. Let her live with that stinky bait for awhile.

Melissa