Help

[heartbrokenagain]

so I just read the book and dont know where to start. I have been doing the being nice, nonconfrontational, being helpful etc. We have been together 12 years and have an 8 year old daughter. Its been two weeks since he said we are thru and it is over one week since he has moved out. Yesterday he said he misses me but its still over. Doesnt want to try, He said since I am seemingly happy and all that he knows he is right we are better off apart. Is my plan backfiring. I think he is going thru something, this is all so not him, dont know if it is a midlife crisis or what but he keeps contradicting himself but thinks he is happier living at his friends house sleeping on an air mattress. So what do I do. I love him so much and dont want this at all. Its kiling me. Someone please help what is the best thing I can do. Thanks

[kassie]

Sorry you are here but it will help. We are all here for the same reasons. Start by giving him time to think through what he has done. Give yourself time to think about what has happened and what you want to see happen next. Set some short term goals.
No, your behavior is not backfiring - the techniques in DB take time and do not work over night.
Why does does he think it is better? H seems to tell the truth - what has he been up to that he isn't telling you? What have you noticed lately that you ignored in his behavior? When did the changes start?
Sounds like he needs a break - don't we all at some point? I know its hard on you and your D8. Read through other people's postings to learn more. Re-read the book. There's more advise than just acting ok. Work on the goals. Short term ones that can be resolved in a few weeks that way you will see the small changes. But buckle your seat belt and be patient. Your love will go a long way if you can be patient.

any other help just ask. will check in tommorrow.

[MrLost]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. My sitch has been going on for three years now and my wife has just told me that it is finally through.

To be honest, I need to go through and read your whole situation but I would like to give you some words of encouragement...

As a guy I can tell you that just because your husband is saying that its over and that he doesn't want to work on it does not necessarily mean that its true. Men and women are different in the way we view things. As guys we tend to see everything as conflicts or obstacles. Conflicts and obstacles are things that are overcome or resolved. If we cannot see how we can overcome them or resolve them, immediately see them as failed or "lost." It may not be that your husband doesn't want to work it out, it may be that he cannot see how it can be and if the conflict cannot be resolved then he has failed or lost. If he feels the M has failed he will say that he has no interested in fixing it because he doesn't see how he can.

Again, I don't know your husband or much about your situation, so I am generalizing here. Another thing that I noticed in a lot of my guy friends after my wife pointed it out in me is that guys (at least the ones I know) tend to be a bit more self-centered than women. By self-centered I don't mean selfish, I just mean that we tend to look at the world in terms of how it is effecting us. As a prime example (and this ties into my conflict/obstacle thing as well): If I guy wants to prove his love to a girl he'll say something along the lines of "I'm going to win her back." How often do you hear women talk about "winning" back their boyfriends or husbands? But again, this goes back men approaching life from the standpoint of obstacles.

Another thing, is really reread the chapter on 180s and visit the forums here. I can tell you that at the time my wife came to me and told me ILYBNILWY three years ago, I was a self-absorbed jerk. She had tried to talk to me about it before, but I didn't hear her. It wasn't until she jarred me out of my stupor that I took a hard look at myself and how I had been. In a sense, my wife had done a 180 on me. She had always been the one to just accept my behavior. I pushed her too far and she reacted.

This obviously isn't an example of a positive 180, but it was all she could do to get through to me.

I know, I'm getting wordy here...

Anyway, my point is that sometimes I think guys don't pick up on subtlety quite as quickly, so the changes your are initiating may take some time and work to sink in. Maybe you need to look at your goals and rework them.

Most of all, take care of yourself and allow the changes you make in your life benefit you as well your marriage. It took me a long time to grasp that. For a very long time, I going through the DB making my changes in effect to try to "win her back." This time around I am making the changes because I want to be a better person for everyone. Believe me, it's been met with skepticism, but with time I will be better for it, regardless of the outcome.

Hang in there! There are things worth fighting for.

[lemonsnap]

As a guy I can tell you that just because your husband is saying that its over and that he doesn't want to work on it does not necessarily mean that its true. Men and women are different in the way we view things. As guys we tend to see everything as conflicts or obstacles. Conflicts and obstacles are things that are overcome or resolved. If we cannot see how we can overcome them or resolve them, immediately see them as failed or "lost." It may not be that your husband doesn't want to work it out, it may be that he cannot see how it can be and if the conflict cannot be resolved then he has failed or lost. If he feels the M has failed he will say that he has no interested in fixing it because he doesn't see how he can.

This is priceless. I really feel like this is the situation with my H. I feel like he doesn't know how to deal with our current situation, so it's better just to terminate it. It seems like he's being very black and white about the issue.

Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. It's really helpeful to me.

[MrLost]

The first thing to do is to remain calm.

Your H has said that he's through and it can't be fixed, but sometimes, especially if there has been a long time breakdown in communication, people say things that they know will get your attention. If he is not happy in the marriage, and if he thinks that he has tried and you did not respond the way that he thought you should have, he may be lashing out in a way that forces you to act on it.

Kassie's right. You need to come up with small goals. If you want, check out my threads. You can sort of watch me go from a desperate bundle of nerves to someone who has learned a bit better to breathe.

The trouble with DR and DB is that most people find them when they're in a panic. I know that's what I did. I'm seriously considering giving DR to everyone couple I know for their one year wedding anniversary.

If you're like me you probably skipped making the goals and read right through the book looking for that magic pill. But you really need to take a breath and reread the book and go through the steps.

As far as it backfiring, it seldom backfires. That's not to say that everything works. But if something isn't working, you need to change your technique. Look at it this way (but please take it with a grain of salt): He already said its over and that he doesn't want to fix it. That's about worst of the hurt. After that, it can only get better. So give him his space, and resist the urge to cling to him. Hang in there. You'll get through this.

[MrLost]

The first thing to do is to remain calm.

Your H has said that he's through and it can't be fixed, but sometimes, especially if there has been a long time breakdown in communication, people say things that they know will get your attention. If he is not happy in the marriage, and if he thinks that he has tried and you did not respond the way that he thought you should have, he may be lashing out in a way that forces you to act on it.

Kassie's right. You need to come up with small goals. If you want, check out my threads. You can sort of watch me go from a desperate bundle of nerves to someone who has learned a bit better to breathe.

The trouble with DR and DB is that most people find them when they're in a panic. I know that's what I did. I'm seriously considering giving DR to everyone couple I know for their one year wedding anniversary.

If you're like me you probably skipped making the goals and read right through the book looking for that magic pill. But you really need to take a breath and reread the book and go through the steps.

As far as it backfiring, it seldom backfires. That's not to say that everything works. But if something isn't working, you need to change your technique. Look at it this way (but please take it with a grain of salt): He already said its over and that he doesn't want to fix it. That's about worst of the hurt. After that, it can only get better. So give him his space, and resist the urge to cling to him. Hang in there. You'll get through this.

[lemonsnap]

Thanks for the thoughts. I will check out your threads today. I can always learn things from the experiences of others. You're so right about finding DB/DR in a panic. How I wish I would have found them earlier. Who knows though - I might not have been receptive to them then, or thought I needed them at that time.

I do now!