It's been about a week since my W told me about her mediator meeting and met me over lunch to start our discussions on how to move on with the D. I was shell-shocked at first, but a calm came over me during the week. I realized that I can now let go and free her from me and me from her. I can DB all day (or all year) long, but if she doesn't want to continue, then I need to let go, and re-focus on the D. I will still pray for us, pray for a miracle, but need to prepate myself for the D proceedings.
She's met with a L and mediator ("to get some more info"), so I think it'd be in my best interest to meet with one myself. My new goals are to protect and nurture my kids through this process, get the best settlement for me and my finances, and go through this amicabally, if possible.
NM - seems like ou are taking things in stride - good for you.
Focus on GALing (doing things to be happy in your own right).
Using a mediator is much better than fighting with lawyers - and gives you the opportunity to co-parent better. Lawyers just make you hate each other. Usually, you will need an independent friendly lawyer to review the mediated agreement and parenting plan to be sure you are getting a fair deal.
If things are amicable enough - see if you can suggest a 1 year separation first instead of an outright divorce (if that is what you want)... WAW may realize after a year that a D is not what she really wanted. It helps having kids for WAW to realize that she has to give of 50% of the time with the kids.
Be sure to get joint legal and joint physical custody - that is what is best for the kids.
If you can get the 12 months separation, if gives you time to DB, and work on yourself.
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
Thanks for your comments. From what I hear and read, the mediation is the way to go and two L's fighting it over sounds unproductive and expensive. Question, if you know, is would her L be able to be an independent reviewer of an mediated agreement, or would he work on in her interest?
I've broached to Separation topic with her before, but I think she sees no point in it and thinks it would cause confusion for the kids. That's what's so wierd, she knows a divorced girlfriend that has shared her (somewhat) unhappy reality of lonliness with her, and she knows what she's getting into, but she still wants it.
Joint custody is what I'm going for.
As far as taking care of myself, I continue to narrow in on that and have made good progress. Like so many others, I dropped the weight (30 lbs - from 200 to 170 and I'm 6'1"). And with working out and lifting a bit, I've truly transformed my body. I know that can sound shallow, but, to me, it's been an amazing thing on how I can change something so dramatically - during a time of mental pain. I'm also starting to treat my body like a temple - watching what I eat and not wanting the junk as much. This year, I want to see how strong my mind can become.
I'm definitely with you NM - except W fights every day to justify an affair. You have a great opportunity in my opinion in that your W is "open" - if you believe she is being honest about just not finding feelings, then that is a huge opening.
I'm the opposite - my W crushed her feelings even though she had them! However, you wouldn't believe how many SAHMs have this happen. My W was the same for 7 years - everything she could ever want - but it didn't "fulfill" her. She used to love being a wife and mother, and I got her as much as I could.
If I had any advice, I would say just be fun and funny. Put a smile on your face even if you feel like your cheeks will crack. Think back to when you started dating, what she liked - but ONLY from a conversational standpoint. Think about what kind of stuff she likes to do, and ask about it.
You may already do all of this, but I'll repeat it again: Keep it light, conversational - but not mushy and romantic. Do NOT walk around moping. I have lost 30 pounds, got new clothes, a new haircut, and when W drops off my kids (we're separated) I fling open the door, and grin and hug them. We're only together at S6's basketball practice, but the whole time I focus on S6, and cheer him on, and laugh, and talk to people (I'm on last resort - so I don't talk to W) Also, D8 will come over and jump in my lap and hug and kiss me, and just talk like crazy. W NEVER sees me not smiling and laughing, and joking around.
In your situation, you can actually involve W with that. I did a spectacular job of that if I do say so myself, and it's the reason that W didn't divorce me immediately almost 2 years ago. We started with her hating my guts, and ended up being pretty good friends before she started her affair. If that hadn't happened, I believe we would be on the mend right now.
I have sort of rambled, but let me say this in closing: the MOST important thing you can do is let go. I couldn't do it. I look back, and I see times where I did let go a little, and W responded EVERY time.
Do it - it will feel like your heart is being ripped out through a sieve, but it'll work!
<<<I asked her if she wanted to talk to a IC, she said not at this time.
Sounds like your W has been talking with my H. Is IC similar to torture in their mind ???
You sound good considering.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
To your question, my W has expressed that MC was really tough on her. Some of it was the session, but a lot of it was me revisiting some of the topics afterwards - before I discovered DB.
I mentioned IC to her recently, because she is has expressed extreme stress right now, with her new job (and I assume the stress of the D initiation). She also brought up IC for her last month (old post of mine) when she saw the visa bill for me booking 6 more sessions with my DB coach. Even though we have the $, she thought that it was "a lot of money" and that she could use to see an IC, but didn't want to spend the money. I know money is a stressor to her right now, preparing for the D, and I have tried not to spend much, but my DB coach is a a needed "luxury" for me these days.
I wanted to add-on to my reply to you this morning. I am doing well, considering. I've had a few turning points the last 2-3 months. One was the multiple 2x4's you gave me when I thought I was validating my W, but was just pressuring her more (thanks). Sandi also gave me good advice in this area.
Next was the reading of "co-dependence no more" which has helped me significantly to detach and start thinking more of me and gain some real self interest and self respect. And then I read something on the self love topic in a parenting book, of all places a couple of weeks ago.
Over the last week, I feel a new calm. Not sure how to explain it or where it came from. I think some of it stems from the initial conversations of the D settlement - no longer an unknown or as scary. And I think some of it is because I no longer fear to be w/o my wife, or by myself. And also I think because I am tired of being in limbo. I want to love someone who loves me back.
I still have the door open for my W to come back, heal, or give it some more time. It's still my preferred outcome, but now, it is not my only "acceptable" outcome.
NM
Originally Posted By: NewMe
I was reading a parenting book (scream-free parenting) when the author gave his interpretation of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's four degrees of love, which centered around balancing love of self and love of god, but applied it to the parental, or any (spousal) relationship. Disclaimer - I am not a theologian and am paraphrasing the author's interpretation.
The Four Degrees of Love 1) I love ME for MY benefit - selfish and infantile. Serving only and considering only oneself. Like children act when they are young.
2) I love YOU for MY benefit - loving you so I can get validation, a good sense from being needed - like Cheap Trick sang "I need you to need me".
3) I love YOU for YOUR benefit - sounds selfless, but also too serving. Doing all for another, with no benefit to self, can expose hidden self interests and create martyrdom.
4) I love ME for YOUR benefit - the highest form of love. Taking care of yourself, making yourself whole and making yourself happy - so no one else has to. When you complete yourself first, only then, can you truly give without expectations or needing care.
I read about GALing here, knew I needed to take care of myself and then might be able to bust my D. The topic also came up in MC and IC, as the W was exhausted from giving and being needed. When I read this piece the other night it really (finally) hit home.
Not sure if this missing piece can save this M - there's too many wounds at present. I do know, it will help me continue on to be the best person I can be and to allow me to truly give love to my kids and my mate(one day). NM
P.S. I've been bad and have been keeping two threads going - this one on the D proceedings and one for journaling:
Since W has contacted L and Mediator, I didn't want to get left behind in this process. I met with a L today. I was very nervous in going - another step in my acceptance. When I told her a brief background of our M since MC, she commented (like many others before her) that it sounds like she was "gone" back then.
It was a very business-like meeting. I calmed down right away and discussed the process, the L's part, mediation, the whole nine yards. I need to talk to my wife and start to find some alone time to start the negotiations. Feels weird. Not exactly good, or right, but somewhat settling to me. Feels like there's no turning back - maybe there never was for her - but now I feel almost the same.
NewMe, see there is detached and DETACHED ! Now you sound like the 2nd one.
I'm glad you're calm. Calm is good. I'm also glad to hear that you're no longer afraid of being alone. You will be allright. Things will get better. I really appreciated you sharing the four degrees of love. I can see where I was a while ago, & where I am now. I also see where H is.
We're not a match.
take care of you. I don't know if you have read where I talk about the airplane analogy...... they always tell you, if you're traveling with children, put on your own oxygen mask first. Save yourself first, that way, you'll be able to help them.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks for your words and HUGs - I needed that today. Right back at you (((Cookie))). I remember reading your oxygen mask piece - this book actually started one of the chapters also citing that metaphor.
Talked to W on cell at lunch. She got some more info from her L and then I told her I had also talked to one yesterday. She was a bit surprised, but she said she would get the petition drawn up and have me pick it up instead of being served.
We talked about time frames and the house and whether either of us could afford to keep the current house. It got a little emotional at times when we talked details, but we agreed to talk about it this weekend - tomorrow night - TOP THAT for a romantic Valentines Day gift!
W just called, upset about some of the numbers on child support that my L figured. She thought is was way low and wondered if I was trying to pull something on her. I calmly said no and we talked for 5 minutes (she was upset) and I said we could talk more on this this weekend.
