We separated \, we were apart 5 months. Before we separated she told me she wouldn't promise to be faithful. She wasn't. It didn't take her long.
We are back together not very romantic be we are together.
I avoid talking about the affair to her but I am really hurt.
What questions should I ask to start us healing? I am not curious about the details of the sex but I want to know how she could do this, even though she the whole time had a little glimmer of hope that we would come back together. The OM was her ex-bf from 6 years ago before we married.
What could she possibly tell me to put closure on this chapter? I really want this to work out.
This is an incredibly personal- each person wants to know different things.
I would suggest you read the infidelity section of DR if you haven't already done so - and also the books Just Good Friends and Healing from Infidelity. These books look at infidelity from both sides and reading them should highlight anythings you want to know. Only YOU can know what you need to know.
I also got my H to read certain passages that really resonated with me so that he understood how I was feeling. Once he understood he would alter his behaviour to try and make it easier for me.
I think that the way the WAS acts after reconciliation visa vis their attitude to their betrayal is almost as big a deal breaker as the actual cheating. My H did everything he could to try and make up for what he had done. That doesn't mean he was a dogs body or a kicking post, but rather he was compassionate, he was/is transparent in his actions, he takes my feelings into account if there is anything that comes up about his infidelity. He has shown he cares and that my feelings are valid, (even if at times they don't appear logical to him).
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Is your wife displaying the kind of understanding and remorse that Saffie is describing here in her husband? Is she reading any books, going on any support sights to better understand why she did what she did? If not, there's really not much I think you're going to be able to do. You can't MAKE her do the work; you can only let her know what YOU need in order to heal.
What she then does with that info is entirely up to her, and then how you respond to THAT, is entirely up to YOU.
She is being very kind but not to the extent that I need right now. I think she will after some of the shock wears off.
Is it really the same thing as infidelity if we separated and she was sure we would not get back together? I mean technically it is but I think she really had ended "us" already by the time started seeing her ex again.
What does that matter. What matter's is how you both feel about it and how you both deal with. For goodness sakes don't get into the "were we, weren't we" on a break scenario - it's just a pointless waste. If your W's actions have hurt you then you need to find a way to deal with that hurt.
It's about having lost the exclusivity in your R, not about being on a break.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I am a lot more hurt by this than I thought. It didn't bother me as much when I was fighting to save our marriage. Now that I am back home it matters more.
Thew reason I ask about the technicality is because if I understand that she was (finished) it feels a little easier.
When I found out that she slept with someone. I went and did it too. But no one seems to understand that I did it so that she would not feel guilty about her affair. As it turns out, she had an ongoing affair.
I really do forgive but I am trying to put this behind us. Right now she is taking this very very very slow, which is fine.
The strange thing is I have always been very articulate in my ability to pinpoint and explain what I am feeling. I think this is the first time that I am totally lost.
When I found out that she slept with someone. I went and did it too. But no one seems to understand that I did it so that she would not feel guilty about her affair. As it turns out, she had an ongoing affair.
Sounds like you BOTH have some healing, forgiveness, and HARD WORK to do then, doesn't it.
