My Sad WAH Story: Is there Hope?

[MomInPain]

So sad to be here yet glad that there is a place to go where I am not alone.
I've just ordered DR and Love Must be Tough and it will be here on Wed.
I wanted to post my story and get any feedback possible as I fear there may be no hope for our M. This is LONG (warning)

Our marriage hasn't been picture perfect but I've never been unhappy and I didn't think he was either. Communication hasn't been our greatest asset. Neither on of us will speak up when we're upset. And we let things stew until we blow. Followed by great make up sex.

We've been together for 18 years and married for 12.

We both come from broken homes and always said we would work on our issues before ever going through with a divorce. Over the years H made statements that he wouldn't stay if he wasn't happy and we would then discuss the importance of talking out our problems.

When we decided to have kids we both decided that I would be a stay at home mom. So I've been at home for the past 10 years.
We've talked a few times about me going back to work, but it was never a real option. School was mentioned as well but $$ was always an issue. It was never a sit down and talk about it type of discussion.

My H took a management position at work just a little over 2 years ago. We understood that this position would mean a lot of extra hours and non stop calls from work. He would basically have no life. Why we thought this was a good idea, I will never know. I guess because the possibility of an even higher position and better pay was just around the corner.

In August 2008 I started to get a feeling that something just wasn't quite right. My H had called to say he was going out with the guys from work for "a couple" of drinks and would be home late. He ended up getting home at 3am. I tried calling several times with no answer, one time someone picked up and hung up immediately. Then again straight to voicemail. I was livid and called one of his friends that he was out with. He said he was on his way home. He arrived 30 minutes later. Friend lives 5 minutes away. I didn't speak with him for 3 days.

Once we were speaking again he revealed to me that he had been taking AD's that he has been to our Dr. and she suggested counseling. He has been feeling depressed for a while and couldn't seem to snap out of this funk. I was upset that he didn't tell me about seeing a Dr but I told him I was proud of him that he was taking care of himself. He apologized for not calling me when he was going to be out late and said he didn't know why he did it but he understood why I was so upset. He promised not to do it again.

Fast forward 2 days before Thanksgiving. I'm out shopping with the kids and I get a call at 4:30pm from H. He sounds like he is already drinking and says he is going out with the guys for "a couple of drinks" and will be home a bit late. Now I should tell you that he has been out ONCE before this since the last all nighter and he was home by 10:30pm which made me feel very secure.
He returns home at 3:30am. I texted him at 1:30am with "I think you are way past "a couple" of drinks" Thanks.
I say nothing to him the next morning. He acts as if he did nothing wrong. I finally explode on him telling him that either he chooses to be a father and a husband and does NOT go out with his friends from work or he chooses to be a bachelor. Period. We don't speak for the rest of the day. He tries to kiss me good night which I refuse.
I try to check his phone, email, credit card for evidence of OW. I can't. Either passwords are changed or everything is deleted. He catches me and asks me if I found what I was looking for. I told him no, you are very good at covering your tracks. I ask him if there is someone else. He says no.
Day after thanksgiving I get the speech ILYBINILWY. I thought I would die.
I beg, plead, cry, basically try to do everything in my power to change his mind.
He doesn't want to be married anymore. He isn't having any fun.

I have a disability. From Birth. Nothing to big, just a general weakness on one side. It does hinder me from doing a lot of things I would like to do, but I don't let it stop me from having fun. He now says that I am using my disability as an excuse and he doesn't like carrying the whole load.

He also is a neat freak, and I am not. This is another reason he wants out. He says I don't do a good job as a housekeeper. I do the minimum and not what needs to be done. I should have a schedule and keep on it at all times. He doesn't like that I do what I want, when I want. I have always tried to keep things neat and orderly for him, I admit I am not the cleanest person in the world, but I am not the lazy pig he makes me out to be.

So 2 days after Thanksgiving he is packing up stuff in our closet. I have no idea what he is doing. I panic, and tell him I think we need to take some time apart. After all, he has told me he doesn't want to be married anymore, he will always love me as the mother of his children. He's going to move out anyway I want it to me my choice. I mention counseling, either together or separately. He tells me to make the appointment and give me the time he is available. And then asks me to call him on monday with the time. He is leaving just as our s10 gets home from a friends. S10 is devistated. H leaves and tells me to call him if I need anything.

I'm sure that I've done everything wrong these past 2 months. Especially because he has told me just last week that he has started D papers. Christmas was hell, my B-day was hell, almost every day is hell.

He has been moving all of his stuff out, I think he is done. I have not made an effort to contact him. I have been working on GAL, I have been working on the 180, I have even applied for College to get a career.

My last explosion with him was 2 weeks ago. He asked for the kids SS#'s and when I asked him what for (he could easily get this info from his work) he told me he was starting D papers.
The next day I gave him the #'s and told him I wouldn't fight him on it. I would contact an A to know my rights. As I was saying this my friend pulled up as we were going out and I told him to please lock up before he left. I've kept things very low key and tried to listen more than speak.

A week after that, he was here to pick up the kids. I told him he looked like hell and asked him if he was taking care of himself. He said he was, but he wasn't sleeping very well. He asked if I had contacted an A and I just shook my head no and dropped the subject. I kept things light. Told him I passed a college placement and didn't have to take any pre college courses. It was all nice and friendly.

I'm going to church more and praying everyday for my H and our marriage. Is there any hope for us? I know everyone wants absolute answers and I know there aren't any. My H is so ready to be done with us. He is so ready to be done with our family and our plans and everything we ever talked about. Is there any hope that he could come around? God I hate this.

I miss my H, I miss my marriage, my kids HATE just seeing their dad ever 2 weeks.

That's it. If you read this far, thank you. Can't wait to get my books and give this a go. Praying for a miracle.

[hopefulinEG]

I am new to DBing also but what I can say is that there is definitely no hope if you don't try. It will work it or won't and you can't control his side. Do what you can for yourself to find how to be happy without him while keep DBing and keep a PMA.

I can't say I have been the best at taking my own advise but this is the advise I have gotten.

[Connie44]

Sorry that you are here, but you are in good company. I sympathize on the going out late and trying to find "proof" of OW without success. I am/have been there. My H wants to work on things, but denies that anything ever happened. I am trying to let go of what may or may not have been going on. That is really the only advice I can give you-- you can only work with the information you have at the time.

Don't worry about what H is doing. Just focus on yourself and doing things for you right now.

[MomInPain]

Thank you for the replies. I thought I should add in some
more stuff I forgot.

About 1 week after he left, we had spoken a few times by phone and I had done the validating stuff. He came on Fri to take the kids for the weekend and kept going on and on about how proud he was of the changes I had made and that I looked great. He hugged me like 4 times. Then when he brought the kids back on Sun he just stayed for a minute, gave us all a hug and left. He called 2 hours later and asked if he could come over. I was hesitant but didn't know what I was doing so I agreed.
The next 3 days were wonderful. He didn't stay the night but he spent each night with us for dinner and then we made love after the kids went to bed. We talked, we cried, we loved. It was like I could breath again, it was like my bad dreams were over.

Then on Wed he turned cold. It was like a switch was turned on. I was told that the possible ow had broke off her engagement with her fiance that day. It all made sense. I asked him again if he was seeing someone else, he said no. BUT he wanted me to continue to take care of myself and go out and have fun. He also removed his wedding ring after he first left and didn't put it back on when we were close for those 3 days. Said he left it at his brothers.

I know I need to take care of myself, but I am having a hard time getting through the day without crying. It is easier than it was since he left I just hate not knowing what the future holds for us.

[MomInPain]

Even though it's been just over 2 months since H left, I can't help but wonder what he does with his days now. Is he with someone else? Does he think about us?

Soon after leaving and about a week before Christmas, I asked H if he was happier now that he had left. He said "you don't want to hear my answer". I told him I did. He said he wasn't happier but he didn't want to come home.

I went into a tirade about how marriages take work, and I can change and it will be better, just give us another chance. Don't give up, don't be a bad example to your kids, etc. etc. Everything I shouldn't have done. He asks me if I need an answer right away. I tell him no, take your time.

Christmas comes and I am having panic attacks. After we get through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day he calls and asks if he can come over. I think uh oh. what now. He comes over and tells me that He isn't coming home. I remain calm because I halfway expected this. He seems bothered by the fact that I'm not freaking out. No mention of D, which is good. I tell him that he will have to tell the kids. He agrees.
I listen from the kitchen and cry.
Before he leaves I tell him that the hardest part of this is that I miss my friend. I miss feeling safe in his arms and I miss our hugs. He offers a hug before he leaves.
I hug him and we both cry. I've never seen him cry, in all of our 18 years together. (I'm crying now as I relive this memory)
He tells me to call him if I need anything. He makes me promise. I tell him to get some counseling because I would hate to see this happen to him again. We continue to hug and cry a bit more. Finally I let go, say goodbye, and walk away.

To this day it all seems like a nightmare. I feel like a piece of trash discarded because I am no longer of any use.

It doesn't feel good at all.

[Connie44]

(((((MIP)))))

That memory makes me tear up a little too- it's just so hard. I know you feel awful, we all have at some point in this. Try to realize it's early-- he doesn't know what he wants. Detach and focus on yourself. Unfortunatley, you can't make a decision for him. You can make yourself better for YOU and your kiddos. Remember, you are not alone, there are thousands of marriages that have gone through these times and tons of people here on this board to talk to. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Babygirl]

hey mip. hugs to you, wish i had great words of wisdom for you right now. at least here, you have us, and here we understand. i hope your books come tomorrow, and I hope you are taking care of you.
I have an illness which i havent worked for a while, so i understand that part of you. that doesnt mean we arent awesome people.
i think the past holidays were awful for many people this year, many of us on these boards suffered.
are you getting counseling?? it really helps I promise.
hugs prayers and hang in there!!
bg

[sandycay]

Hi Mip,

I am really glad you found this site. Please know there is hope, we are out there on this board... it's not pretty to get here and I heard the same things you have heard.... I think we all have and we all felt the same way devasted beyond belief. We get it.

Please read lots of of positive threads on here from people who are DB champs ... and you know what either way their m ended up they ended up okay too.

You can't control your H, you can control how you act around him. Maybe you should just start with no relationship talk... don't ask him about it at all..post here instead.

He's lost and only he can find himself....if your over there waving your light to help him he'll only go deeper in the woods. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Praying for you

[sandi2]

Hi sweetie, my name is Sandi also so don't get us confused. Anyway, I see where a lot of people are responding to you and that is good b/c you will build up a support system to keep you encouraged and give you advice and just listen when you need to journal.

I seem to be the one tonight that is bringing up the subject of the possibility of another person being involved. Your stitch seems all too familiar on this board, as you will discover when you have read other threads. The "excuses" your H has given to leave is just way too flimsy. I think you probably feel it in your heart but it is too painful to admit. Don't you think it all adds up?

Anyway, do as the others have encouraged you and I hope that the books will help. Love it Tough is a great book! Of course, DB is wonderful and the best for getting broken M back on track again.

Take care of yourself and I'll check on you later.

Sandi2

[MomInPain]

Sandi2,

Ya, I have it as a possible ea in my sig. I've heard things and I don't think it will do me any good to confirm it. I have asked H quite a few times only to have him deny it.
Could be that he doesn't want me to know so that this door stays open? IDK
If that's so then why did he move every single one of his things out of our home.
I have mentioned her by name and he just laughs it off and says they are just friends. I don't know her, can't snoop at her house to see if he is there etc. I'd rather not anyway. It just hurts too much.
Yes I can't wait to get my books, perhaps they will arrive tomorrow.