My story is posted here ____ but long story short. My wife and I are separated living in same house but separate rooms. She says it is over with no hope of saving the marriage but we will stay living together for financial reasons and "try" to be friends. I started DBing recently and trying to create good will between us and have done good and bad.
One of the things causing a lot of problems is her "new bestfriend". I am very jealous of her and the time my wife spends with her and feel very uneasy about the relationship and where it could go. I will call her the OW.
The OW is the secretary at our daughters school. I thought it was great since she had a new friend because she had pretty much lost touch with all her old friends and had talked wishing she had some friends. Well I found some emails between her and her "friend" that really made me think they were having an affair. She was telling the OW how sexy she was and when she came over she wanted her to be waiting naked in bed. The OW didn't ever respond in kind to these remarks though so I'm not sure if the sex talk was mutual.
At one point she and the other woman were writing about another person at the school the OW is very good friends with and she asked "if the OW was ever going to tell him about us". And the OW responded that she didn't think so. She wasn't ready for people to know yet. I didn't know how I could think anything different than they were having a relationship. This was also still when we were "trying" not after she said it was definitely over.
The last e-mail was about a ring that she had bought. She had taken off her wedding ring and bought a different one to wear on another finger. They were talking about her getting it inscribed and the OW said she should put her name in it. She said she had already thought of that but that would cause more problems they didn't want to deal with. The OW said to put it in Hebrew and then no one would know. She said that is a great idea and she already e-mailed someone who knew Hebrew to get the spelling. This again totally freaked me out but I knew I could never tell her I read her e-mail.
So during our next fight after she told me she didn't want to try anymore, I told her I knew she was having an affair with the OW. And I quoted the e-mails back to her. She actually explained them so that I believed her that they weren't having an affair. She said that it was really just a friendship but she admitted that it had crossed the line. They were flirting and stuff but that the OW is straight and she was also not at all interested romantically in the OW. She said the e-mail about not telling the friend was just about their friendship because he already thought they were having an affair and didn't want him to make him think it even more. And the ring she was just jerking OW's chain to freak her out. She was very sincere and I believed it. We had also been having very good sex and I figured if she was having an affair she wouldn't want to sleep with me at all. Well I tried to befriend the OW so she would definitely not want to start anything with my wife. I invited her over for Christmas eve with her son and over to play the Wii. I really didn't like her much because what she did with my wife was totally inappropriate but I didn't show it.
When my wife was in the hospital one afternoon I called to say I was on my way and she said to come later because she was going to take a nap and would call when she woke up. When I called 3 hours later to find out why she hadn't called yet the OW was there. I of course thought that was why she had told me not to come and would have kept it hidden from me if I hadn't called. I said to call me when she was gone. The OW heard me say that and asked if I was mad at her. I believe now that she really was taking a nap and the OW just called and she said to come over and she wasn't trying to hide it.
Since then she has been going over to the OW's house a couple nights a week. It bothers me every time she does and most of the time I haven't been good about hiding it and once I told her I hated the OW. Unfortunately she went right over and told the OW that I hate her and now the OW hates me back. I don't really hate the OW, it just that I hate my wife wanting to spend time with her instead of me. The OW says she will never come over to our house if I am there. They are staring a survivor watching group that will rotate houses and the OW asked my wife if she could make me leave when it was her night to host and my wife actually thought I should leave and it was not unfair to ask me to. I said absolutely not. I would not leave my house so she could bring over someone who hates me.
So now I am trying to figure out how to deal with this woman. I don't think my wife and her have done anything. It is kind of funny that the every single time my wife goes over there the OW always has another friend there. Almost like she thinks my wife might try something and she wants a chaperone. But I also think that something could start up with how close they have become and I don't believe that my wife isn't attracted to her.
Because I worry that something may start between them, which I think would destroy and chance of us reconciling I keep throwing it in her face. I know that my behavior is going to destroy our chances just as much as her sleeping with the OW but I have so much trouble controlling it when it comes up. Anytime she mentions her name the anger just comes up so so strong. I asked her to try to give me 1 days notice so I would have time to absorb it and not react and when she has done that it has worked but just as often she tells me she is going tonight and will go in 2 hours or whatever and that is when I react.
Please give me some advise on all this.
~Catherine
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Hi Hopeful, go with your gut feeling. Is she sleeping over the OW house? Those e-mails really do tell a story especially about the ring. Is the ring inscribed? If so with what.
If you want confirmation get a PI. Once you have full evidence you could base your decisions on facts and how to deal with this.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
She has stayed over until 4am a few times. She said she fell asleep. What could a PI tell me? She doesn't hide that she's going over there. How would he find out what was going on inside the house?
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
She has stayed over until 4am a few times. She said she fell asleep. What could a PI tell me? She doesn't hide that she's going over there. How would he find out what was going on inside the house?
If my wife came home at 4am, she would come home to all the lights off (inside and out) and the alarm on.
I could expose the OW to the parents and principle at school and pretty much ruin her life and make her so ashamed she would probably quit her job. Is that really a good thing though? I would surely love to hurt this woman but my Wife would also never forgive me for that.
I don't know if I they are sleeping together or not. Last night she went over there at 10:30pm. She said the OW's sister was in the hospital having a baby and was having complication and the OW my Wife needed to come watch her son while she went to the hospital. My wife came home at 5:30am.
Part of me wants to believe they are sleeping together because it would make me feel less bad that she doesn't love me anymore but when I listen to my gut and not my jealousy I don't feel like they are.
So what is the DB thing to do? Ignore it and act fine that she goes over there? I know if I keep making a big deal it will just make her want to go even more to spite me. How do you control the emotions?
~Catherine
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
HG, I have been thinking about you since last night...kind of an oddity but we are two eggs in the same basket. A basket that is slightly different than most here, but what the heck.
In my opinion there is probably, at a minimum, an EA going on. The real truth about affairs is that we cannot control our spouses or their actions. We can setup boundaries, but even those are truly limited. Are you really living as roommates at the moment? I am confused because you did state that sex has been very good and I am not sure if that is current or months ago. Either way, you need to change focus from her and move it to you. I know it is hard as heck to do, but it is possible. Control what you can control and that is you and your life. Do the 180's and GALing for you. Buy new clothes, new perfume, jewelry, or under garments....what ever your heart has been wanting in secret. Refind yourself!
I know Puppy would disagree, but I would not expose the relationship at this point. I feel that there is little to be gained by this and more to be lost. Even worse, what if it is only a friendship with one slip one night. Your relationship is based more upon trust, communication, and emotional connection ....all of that will take a huge beating if you expose her at this point. Find yourself and then rebuild the friendship. One thing I did that has helped a lot is putting myself in her shoes. How would you feel if you were at the receiving end of your actions? Not that your are unjustified, but understanding your problem from both sides helps remove the fog of misunderstanding.
