Never say Never; it's worth the fight!

[Treese]

Hi all....wanted to start a new thread because today it has been 1 year since my H walked out the door leaving me to pick up the pieces of me and my children..

I've cried already...get it over with...and now I will go about my day...I do wonder though if he is thinking about this or if they really have no clue...funny how we, the sane ones, can remember it like it was yesterday...the emptiness I felt, the looks on those little faces as they realized dad was gone...that's the hurt I feel, for my little ones....they don't deserve all this. I work to make our life as healthy and happy as I can, with what I have...

I think I am sooooo much better than I was a year ago....I still cry but not nearly as much...sometimes when I see H I feel sorry for him...he looks gray...looks tired....but there are other times he looks great, and happy, and those are the days I question....how can he be happy with all this mess....He has our family, a son who is 9, whom he never had a relationship with, and now does, and he has OW....I personally wouldn't be able to keep up...on top of that his girls won't speak to him and he says it's their problem...guess that's his defense mechanism...if he tells himself that, it will be okay...I don't really know anymore and I really don't try to know...I just question the why...

The other day when I was fighting with H about the OW taking care of him after his surgery...I again told him I had no idea he was unhappy....but that maybe we got lost, took for granted...he said, "Treese, we didn't even kiss"...well, maybe not alot but WTF? you left me for that....and why couldn't he come and kiss me all the time if that's what he wanted...I would have been very happy to kiss...we never really had enough alone time, always traveling with one of the kids, and just busy...no excuse just was...
So, it was okay to go ahead and take the time we could spend together and get a woman pregnant and get a girlfriend...
SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME!!!!

I truly was a good wife, I'm a great mom, I had my faults, made my mistakes, but I wanted to work on them...he ran and I told him that...he just says, "we're not like that anymore"..I need to move on...so in my rant and rave I told him never to call me again..I would deal with him through text or he could communicate with the kids on their phones...and I hung up...that was last Wednesday....the only thing we heard from him was last Thursday when his surgery was done, he texted and said, "went well"....I didn't respond....why? he was flippin at the OW house doing it....he knew it would hurt me so he did it anyway...I told my children it went well, and I never responded...then on Monday, he texted me to tell me he was getting his tires, which I knew,..so I asked him to take son this weekend cause he hasn't had him for 2 weekends, and after a few hours of no response he said, that's fine....I haven't texted him since....I'm serious this time...I want him to know I'm strong and I'm not taking the crap anymore...he has it all...and no flippin responsibilities....

Curious here, do you think he texted me on Monday to tell me about the tires or because he was thinking about me and that was the story to use? No, I havent' been dwelling on it, just curious....

And, since it's been a year I am sure he will file...you have to be separated for a year, and then it doesn't matter what I have to say...he can file...this could be over before I know it...and I've drug it out for no reason except that I fought for what I believed in...gave it 150%...he gave it nothing...he says he's very happy with OW, says I can't hate her cause I don't know her, yes, I do...and yes, I hate her...they both knew what they were doing but the thing that saddens me most is that he confided in her about his child before me, that hits at the core...he was my best friend...at least I thought he was...

So, I havent' asked about his akelies, if he's doing okay, I dont' care...a part of me hopes it hurts a little...sorry...that's not right...his kids havent' asked him..

I am going to watch my soon to be SIL ask my daughter to marry him...it should be with all of us including H but he chose another path...I will make it happy for her...she is going to be so surprised....and so will H for that matter....

Anyway sorry for the long post....it's just a mellow day..

School is out because of weather, so I'm off...it's a jammie day..son and daughter and I are cleaning and shoveling...doesn't that sound like fun...well, I got SHAM WOWs in the mail and the kids are still laughing at me...S11 says, "it's a sham wow day"...

(((hugs))))

[job]

Treese,
The excuses they use for walking out the door are almost always very petty to us. However, his perception is totally different and yes, he should have talked to you about the kissing. They, in this sick little mlc minds, just assumed that our crystal balls were working all cylinders and would know this stuff. Also, when they point out what they perceive as wrongs by us, we will do utmost to fix the errors of our ways. Not enough! It's then something else. Bottom line, they honestly, in mlc land, do not know what has made them dissatisfied/unhappy. So, what do you do? Live your life to the fullest and know that you are human and yes, we all make mistakes and can learn from them. You can't fix him or his happiness...only your own. No marriage is 100% happy all of the time...we all have ups and downs and make mistakes.

As for the tires, it could have been an excuse to contact you, but he could have been rechecking off that little errand in his brain.

As for your children....he's got to be the one to bond w/them. You can't do it for him. If you ask him to take your son...leave it at that. Do not point out how many weeks it's been. You are being a "mother" again to your h and he doesn't need to have finger pointing done, if you want him to have a relationship w/your son. Step back, allow God to work on him. It's not our place to keep the checklist for what they do or don't do correctly any longer. I know you want him to be there for your son and he will be, but it's going to have to be on his time table and nothing you say or do will hurry up or help that process.

If you are hoping to have a "friend" relationship w/him for the sake of your children, it wouldn't hurt to ask how he's doing. But, do not initiate the contact...wait until he does next time. I know you are still angry and hurt about the ow taking care of him, but that was his choice and because he's not living at home, he needed someone to help him out.

Treese, mlc is a whole different animal and one that takes a long time to understand. In his mind, he's already divorced from you and feels no "emotional" attachment to you. This emotional detachment happened about 18-24 months before he walked out the door. It's not that he doesn't love you, but his feelings are just numb right now. This is the depression talking. You will have to learn to accept him for who he is today and not who he was several years ago. The person he is today perceives things differently and will respond differently to everything around him, including you, your children and the relationship. BTW, the way that he is handling all of the situations is that he is compartmentalizing...they are experts at this during crisis.

Treese, enjoy your day off and keep the focus on you and your children. Please understand, you are not the problem...he is.

[Treese]

Thanks Snodderly.....

I know he has to walk this journey himself....I just have a hard time sometimes...I didn't bring up the not having son for 2 weeks...I just asked him if he could take him...I am learning what I can say and not say....it took some time to learn that but I'm getting better....I do hope someday he realizes how much I really did love him and my family...still do....I'm moving forward...I think....one day at a time...

Sometimes I wish I could be in his little head and see what's going on...would be fascinating....their little brains must be working overtime...

If that's the way he wants his life to be then so be it...I want happiness and love....I have a lot of love to give. It's part of my makeup....I'm touchy, feely...and I tell you how I feel....you never know when your last breath will come and I want everyone I love to know I do....I tell my children every day...

so as always you give me such good advice....that's why I come here to vent....

you all are the best...

[Virtually_Handsome]

Sometimes I wish I could be in his little head and see what's going on...would be fascinating....their little brains must be working overtime...

Or not!

(((((((Treese)))))))

[MidwesternGirl]

If you think you are hurting, he is hurting even more. He is not happy but he has to get thru this on his own.

It takes awhile for the LBS to get to a point when you just accept what it is and live life day to day. It really does get much easier.

God allows everything to happen for a reason and what those reasons are have yet to be revealed.

Hang in there, be kind, try not to judge/question/yell at him.

[job]

Treese,
Never, ever wish that you could get inside of his head. It's not a pleasant place to be at this time. I learned that lesson from observing a friend of mine going through his own private little hell.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[[[Treese]]]]]]!

You do the same thing I do.......you keep studying and analyzing and looking for that one thing you can say that will click in his warped mind and make him wake up as if from a trance and say "OMG, what was I thinking? Oh, my darling, I'm so very sorry!! Please forgive me and allow me the great honor of kissing your a** for the rest of my days!!!"

Of course, this is probably not going to happen (although it makes for a great fantasy).

Whenever I have had challenges in my life, I have always been agressive in trying to learn all I can about a given subject by reading, and studying, and being proactive. This has always helped me feel more in control of my destiny. But I am coming to see that this is the one area where that approach doesn't work.......or maybe it has worked in a way, because this time I found MWD's books (and others) which have helped me learn what I need to do......or rather, not do.

It's so very hard to love unconditionally by stepping back and letting go of the one we love. Letting go of our coping mechanisms feels like we are giving up control or our destiny and that is a terrifying concept to us especially right now!

Yet, realizing that any control we might have over our loved ones is an illusion at best, and it is only in realizing and accepting this fact that we come to see that only in letting go of control of them, do we really finally gain control of ourselves! Each moment that we spend in dwelling on what they've done, why they did it, etc...is another moment of our lives wasted that we won't get back.

Each moment of life is precious, and beautiful, and your H is missing many of those moments, like the ones with your D and her upcoming engagement! One day, he will see what he missed, I think.....but even if he doesn't, don't allow worry over him in any way, taint the memories you are creating each day now! Don't give him that power any more!

Each day we must choose to be happy! In that way, we take back our power and truly gain at least a little control of our destiny.

You are right, Treese, when you say you have grown a lot over the past year. I've seen it and have admired you so much!!! I know I've grown too. We are MUCH stronger, confident, capable women today than we ever were a year ago! That is a wonderful thing! And, given that truth, it only stands to reason that our next relationship in the future (whether with H or someone else) will be better, richer, deeper and more fulfilling because of that. That is a beautiful thing to contemplate and look forward to.

So, let's greet our future together, my friend, with excitement and joy for the gift it is!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[yellowrose]

Treese

Snodderly has given you good advice. I don't know what to add to it.

Take it one day at a time. Your right you have grown this last year. I remember how hard it was for you and we kept telling you it would get easier.

OMG, as far as getting into their heads, not me. My H would tell me there were times that he felt like he was going crazy.

I loved thye sham wow story!!! My H and I when ever we see the commercial on TV, we both yell out SHAM WOW!!!! He said that he wanted some of them. Guess what??? I bought the imitators (heehee) and he told me that those weren't the ones made by the Germans! You know those Germans make good stuff!!!

Y

[Treese]

Hi all....

Weekend was ok...H took son Saturday night...and I picked him up after basketball yesterday...of course son came home with a fever...grrrrr.....

Texted H about it cause I couldnt stay home from work today and H's response was...he'll be fine by morning...

Got to work today...H texted me and asked how son was...I told him sluggish but I sent him to school...school hasn't called yet so he must be okay...then H sends me a picture out of the blue of his akle and the stitches from surgery....the kicker is the picture is taken at OW house....now tell me first Why he sent the pic and second, that sucks...cause I see it was her house..another punch to the gut...I just said nice pic....

when i saw him yesterday, I did ask how he was doing...thought I'd be nice maybe that's why he sent the pic to me...who knows...not trying to figure it out...

it's weird...I had a dream last night that I was making love to my H but he was asking me not to make it difficult during the divorce...what was that about...When I got up, it felt so real...lol...I actually thought we had sex....scary...it's been too long...

But overall...no crying....even when he handed me his W2 and the address is changed...I let it roll off....I want to be happy again..he is the one losing out on my love....but of course he thinks he's getting it from OW...all he needs....whatever...

And I hate when he's nice to me....it's always a calm before a storm...wonder if my D papers are coming....

[Treese]

^^