Re-posting my last post from the thread that finally locked.
So, over the weekend, H had D overnight on Friday, which was unusual. He has not yet wanted her on a weekend. As it turns out, H and D had dinner at OW's daughter's house.
D was not supposed to have to deal with OW until the end of the school year. H never mentioned it to me, never advised me about it later. I wouldn't have known except that D told me about it.
I am absolutely livid. D should not have to deal with OW at all, let alone be stuck at dinner with her. She shouldn't have to make friends with this woman she knows broke her family apart. She shouldn't have to be influenced by someone with clearly different values than what I've tried to raise her with. And there's not a thing I can do about it. We tried to insert it in the temporary agreement, but it's not binding and I imagine his L advised him about that; in fact, it's illegal even to mention the pagan princess by name! Heaven forbid she'd lose any of her rights!
I don't know how D feels about it--she is clammed up. She wanted me to know, clearly, but then wouldn't talk about it. So I imagine this will now be a regular thing, she'll now be a part of D's life. So since we're still setting up mediation, I intend to clamp down on the flexibility and frequency of visitation. This is absurd.
I talked with H about this, and it was predictably a waste of breath. If I am to be consulted about this kind of thing, then he should be consulted and have some control over D not making it to church every week. According to H, if I don't take her he will take her to his church. I asked, incredulous, if he truly did not see the inconsistency here. He blew up, of course. (what on earth is D going to think about church if she's taken to church weekly by her father, who forces her to spend time with his mistress--who is a wiccan?) I asked if this was now going to be regular thing--D spending time with OW. He actually told me that was none of my business.
So this has reached yet another, new level of insanity. And I still have no control over it. I'm beginning to understand why people abduct their own children and disappear (no, I'm not planning on that!)
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Oh Hoosier, I am so sorry. I have absolutely no knowledge of the legal side of things, nor did I have that complication in my situation. I do understand your feelings and frustrations though. Does d see anyone at school or outside councelling? I hope others might have better advice but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Stay strong.
I am finding this just about the most distressing thing so far. Probably because she's messing with my daughter. I just don't know what to do about this, I feel powerless, and I know it's going to keep happening. I don't want this woman in my daughter's life. I don't want her to have to reconcile her father falling out of love with her mother, taking off with someone else and changing her whole life, and feeling like she has to be friendly to that other person so that her dad doesn't stop loving HER. And he's just so freaking clueless and narcissistic that there's no appealing to reason.
Definitely re-examining my custody preferences. I was willing to be generous and flexible so that she could spend time with her father, but since it's clear that she's going to continue to take a back seat and do some emotional gymnastics, I'm thinking that limiting her exposure as much as possible is the best plan.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
hey hon, I was in the same position when I learned of stbx's live in gf. I get the feeling of powerlessness, our kids was an area we at least felt some control and having the knuckleheads subject them to the ow's is pretty distressing.
Sadly, that woman will be in your d12's life, you can't stop that and for you and your d'sake you have to accept it. My s10's C told me that he was in tune with my feelings, that as long as he felt I was ok he would be ok.
About custody you need to be very careful, she does need her father even if he is a looser. It is hard to know when to step in, but at some degree it is his R with her that will suffer.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Sadly, that woman will be in your d12's life, you can't stop that and for you and your d'sake you have to accept it.
True, but she doesn't have to accept contact between OW and her daughter yet. Their pending legal action says "not until the end of the school year," and he's already in violation of that. Any good child psychologist will tell you that it is NOT appropriate right now, nor should it be acceptable IN ANY WAY. This girl needs time to adapt to her new family status, and it's emotional abuse that her father is exposing her to the Wicca Wench right now.
My advice is a strong legal move. Have your atty file an immediate TSO against Wicca Wench coming within "X" yards of your daughter, and get it on file with the family court of jurisdiction that your husband not only condoned this, but set this up.
A shot has been fired across the bow of the Good Ship Hoozh. It's time for a strong response, in my opinion.
As I said I have no experience in these matters. Thank goodness but my response would be just as puppy suggested. Yes a child may need contact with the father but at what cost. 12 is a vunerable age and it is all too much too soon imho.
I also advise caution. Remember that the father can play hardball on custody time also. He has a right to make decisions about his daughter including who he introduces her to. In most states a motion to not allow contact with OW or OM isn't worth the paper it's written on as it isn't really enforcable. Very few courts are going to limit his visitation because of something like this unless she is in actual danger. Sometimes, if one spouse makes a huge deal over it, the other may actually benefit with more time because of percieved hate/control which usually is deemed not good for the child.
Thank you, Pup. I have been advised by a few people, gently, to find a way to live with this. And I have contemplated how much of my near obsession with this has to do with my feelings of being powerless. Surely that's part of it--but not most of it. And it's not coming from pain for myself, because I truly don't care any more. I'm very concerned about my daughter's long-term well-being. I read in her journal (mea culpa, but when she's not talking...) that her biggest concern is whether dad will dump the OW and come home. And she thinks a lot about her well-being and mine. (this is a very articulate child.) So while on the outside she seems content and unwilling to stir up any conflict, internally she's somewhere else entirely. And how could I, as a mother who is intent upon continuing to pass along the values she has lived up to this point, say that everything is okay, that I'm okay with this when it goes against everything I've tried to teach her?
I have indeed consulted with my lawyer. And he feels that trying to do anything legally at this point would blow up in my face since the court has far broader ideas about what constitutes "safe environment." While you and I would agree that this is not an emotionally safe environment, the court is more concerned with physical safety, and since I don't know of any potential physical harm it would not be granted. The whole wicca thing is completely irrelevant to the court (and not the biggest concern to me anyway--that being D12 being forced to accept and befriend dad's girlfriend). The part about not meeting her until the end of the school year was not legally binding; it was a matter of inserting it into the agreement in hopes it would be perceived that way, but it was unenforceable.
Glad you're feeling better, pup.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I also advise caution. Remember that the father can play hardball on custody time also. He has a right to make decisions about his daughter including who he introduces her to. In most states a motion to not allow contact with OW or OM isn't worth the paper it's written on as it isn't really enforcable. Very few courts are going to limit his visitation because of something like this unless she is in actual danger. Sometimes, if one spouse makes a huge deal over it, the other may actually benefit with more time because of percieved hate/control which usually is deemed not good for the child.
yes, this is essentially what my lawyer advised.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hoosier...I contemplated before writing to you again, because I am not 100% sure you will take what I am about to say in the spirt it is intended...and what I am about to say is a very painful issue for me (although I have mostly healed from it now).
To preface, what I'm about to share is intended for you to begin to see that things could be so much worse in your situation, that maybe you can begin to really appreciate that it IS NOT worse. But I am afraid that maybe this isn't the right time for you to realize that conclusion, and I fear you will see this as some kind of scolding or something....please do NOT take it that way. I just want you to really begin to accept your situation and be ok with it....
OK here goes...this is very hard for me....
My step-child is as close to me as my bio-child. I raised my step-child from age 3 to adult (and still continue to raise her, even though her father and I are now divorced). Her bio-mom and her father (my ex-h) got divorced before I ever met him and I had nothing to do with their divorce.
Her bio-mom hated me, none-the-less, even though I was actually the only parent in the child's life who actually understood what being a child of divorce really meant (her bio parents had parents who never divorced...whereas, my parents were married and divorced to each other TWICE, and then they also married and divorced my two step-parents). I protected her and helped her through the rough patches between her parents. I insisted that they not fight in front of her, and when they did it anyway, I took her in the other room to get her out of the way of their crap.
Still....no matter how well I protected her from her own parents, I could not protect her from what happened in her bio-mother's house. No matter how her father and I tried to talk to lawyers etc. about some of the things going on at the bio-mom's house, none of it mattered. There was "nothing we could do" we were told over and over. Her environment there was abusive, but mostly emotionally abusive, and not physically, so there was nothing we could do.
We lived with the pain of knowing every single day, that something horrible could happen to our child (at the hands of her bio-mom) and there would be nothing we could do about it.
This pain was a constant issue for me, feeling helpless, etc.
Then the unthinkable happened. One of my step-child's boyfriends molested her.
Needless to say, this is the very worst thing that can happen to a parent, short of losing a child to death.
I can't describe how painful it was, especially for the fact that we always knew it was horrible for the child in that environment and we were helpless to do anything about it...and on TOP of the abuse her mother delivered, the sexual abuse was going on as well, for a couple of years.
(The conclusion to that part of the story is....the bio-mom immediately called the police the moment she found out what was going on, he went to trial and then to jail...our child got counseling at the time, but of course, you never fully heal from that kind of trauma....she is doing well now as a young adult, but will always have issues....)
SO - why am I telling you this sad story? Not for sympathy at all, because I have had a long journey since that time and have mostly dealt with the pain, etc.
But I am telling you because....regardless of the fact that you are so hurt by what your H has done, you really should begin to embrace the idea that - even though wicca woman may be truly a horrible person - you can probably bet that she will NEVER be the abusive monster or child molestor that some other parents have to deal with in their children's lives.
I hope, again that this doesn't sound like a lecture. I am crying as I write it because although it was over 15 years ago, it still hurts so much that we couldn't protect her....
But please....everyone....please be grateful if your child is never put in that position, and please be grateful for your own circumstances, even if they are bad, but if they are not the worst nightmare you can imagine, then you are actually lucky....
