Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Previous Thread

WooHoo! I locked another thread......I'm getting to be a real veteran at this......not that that's particularly a good thing......all things being equal, I'd rather be at home with my H!

Still I am hangin' in. Trying to keep up the PMA and GALing. Miss the H I knew terribly......but don't miss the man he's become. I hope with all my heart that I will have the man I love in my life again one day, but fear very much that won't happen. I am doing my best choosing to be happy each day and embracing my destiny as it reveals itself to me.

Onward and upward!

[sandycay]

Hey, I get first post!!!!

Hang in there. Are you coming thru here this week?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well, I wrote this yesterday, while your thread was locking....

Donna, please disagree! When you throw the alcoholism connection in, everything changes, in my mind. The thing is, there is no question that he is going to drink. That is already proven. So, what is going to be the best way to deal with that? I don't know the answer to that. I do know that sometimes laws exist because they are popular, and necessarily a good idea, or the best way of dealing with a problem. (In this case teen drunk driving.) I'm not saying that makes it less illegal to break them. Sometimes we get stuck having to choose between the lesser of two, or more, "evils". He IS going to break the law. So, in my mind, having some influence on how he does it makes some sense to me.

(((((SC)))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, when I got in my car at the park-n-ride on the way home tonight, I could tell that S17 had used it during the day. The mileage was higher (yes I check it) and it smelled like the air freshener I keep in the car (where S17 tried to cover up smoking).

I was sooooo discouraged and p.o.'d!! I came home and really lit into him. He didn't fight back. Just said he didn't have any excuse, which only got me hotter. Then I called H and told him to "talk to your son!!!!" So, then H told him that he could go live with his druggie friends who "respect him" so much! H told him he was not welcome to come live with him.

Eventually, the waterworks kicked in (I always cry when I'm upset). Then S17 and I talked more calmly. I am now going to start taking both car keys with me, which will assure this doesn't happen again.

Tomorrow, we have the session with C for all three of us to discuss S17 recent behavior. That should be just loads of fun.

I had arranged to take Thursday and Friday off from work so I could take S17 up to the dream house to play in the snow. I was allowing S17 to bring a friend and invited my step-brother who S17 really likes and is a lot of fun. Now, H is telling me I shouldn't allow S17 to go and he should stay here this weekend so H can "work his tail off". H also said I should kick S17 out, but I just don't see how that will help anything.

Tonight was also S17's sleep study at the hospital (H and I both have apnea, and we suspect S17 may have it too). So, after all the hoo-ha, I took him to the hospital for the night. He has the same technician that I worked with both times I had to stay overnight there. He's a real sweetie who has just gone through a tough divorce and we had chatted about DBing and such when I was there before. It was nice to see him again. S17 teased me that I was blushing. Both my kids often try to encourage me to date.

I'm going to go crawl into bed with my blanky, my bear and my cricket (that's my chihuahua).......

[MidwesternGirl]

You will find kids that age are going to test you more than you realize.

And also remember that he is a teenager and will experiment and do things beyond what you imagined.

I went thru it with my S18. For a few years it was really, really tough. I used to call H, too, but H and S18 are close and whether anything sunk in, I'd say probably not. In the teen's mind, they are saying if dad can go out and do such and such, who is he to come down on me?

Just remember, these are the teen years and expect that your child will experiment and do things. Remember the things you did at that age? I do!! I am not saying give your child a free pass but just don't shove the rules/anger down his throat because it always backfires.

I have one child who would not dare do some of these things. Each child is different and what works for one might not work for the other child.

This, too, shall pass.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, MWG!

I get so frustrated when S17 and I seem to have such good talks and then he turns around and does stuff like this. It makes me think that H is right and he's just spinning a yarn so he can take advantage of me.....

[Silent Chrleader]

I just spent some time on the phone with H. Talking about the finances. The house isn't worth what we owe now because of the drop in the market. May need to file bankruptcy. We're going to see a lawyer for advice on that. I told him it was sad, and he said that it would have happened probably even if we had stayed together. I said I knew he wasn't senitmental about stuff like that, but I am. He said he understood, but he was sentimental about S17 and that is what counts, and I said I wholeheartedly agreed to that one.

I asked if he had a nice weekend. He said he did and was at co-workers party until past midnight. I asked if a lot of people were there, and he said "several couples there". So, I asked if he felt out of place, and he said "no, why?". I said "Because you are a single amongst couples" and he said "Well there were others there." So, I said "So, co-worker finally got to fix you up with her sister, huh?". His reply was "Well, I've met her. We have a lot of commonalities." I feel like I'm going to be sick! I'm sitting here at my desk trying not to cry.

I held it together on the phone with him though. I didn't let him know it bothered me, although he knows me well enough that he may have sensed it. I asked him how Sunday went (He went to an Oscar Wilde play that his new best friend's wife was in). He said it was fabulous and they all went out with the cast afterward. He said most of them were gay, but he way OK with that. This is a reference to how, in the beginning of our marriage, he, like most men, was very homophobic, but I have a sister who is gay and that is a big issue with me. Over the course of our life together, he came to be much more understanding and tolerant of differences in people.

Feeling very depressed now.....

[ThinkingItThru]

Question about your H's opinion to "kick S17 out". Is that even an option? I must admit to being completely ignorant in this, but I gathered I was locked into this parental responsibility thing until the kids are 18. So, just curious about your H's statement...

I am doing my best choosing to be happy each day and embracing my destiny as it reveals itself to me.

As I try to follow the steps in the teachings of Buddha and many of the writings of some of the new authors, I'm finding this to be a HUGE challenge (and perhaps this is what I am here to learn). I've always been such an action oriented person...to ask the universe for help...to just sit back and look for signs...to have patience. Wow, that is hard. It feels lazy to not have a goal to work toward.

Hope you're doing well today.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Thinking!!

Yes, I think legally we are still responsible, but H doesn't necessarily let legalities inhibit him. And S will be 18 in 2 months, so it's a moot point really.

I've always been such an action oriented person...to ask the universe for help...to just sit back and look for signs...to have patience. Wow, that is hard. It feels lazy to not have a goal to work toward.

Me too!!!!!!!! I am a total fixer!!! Patience??? That is my absolute worst downfall!!! I wrestle with that one every minute of every day!!!

That and letting go..... Just when I feel I am getting there, something hits me (like today finding out that H was at a "couple's" party where he was fixed up with a co-workers sister......That just kills me!

So, I'm back to heartbroken today!

[MidwesternGirl]

Also remember that it is easier for your child to hate you because you are the one he lives with and you are the one who attempts to set the rules. It is easy for the child to run to dad as dad does not live at home. The child makes things sound pretty bad so the dad gets one side of it.

Think of MLC and how up and down it is and then think of your teen. Almost the same thing. Enough to make you want to scream!!