New thread. I wanted to share parts of the letter that my H gave me last May. He had decided to try AA since he had realized his drinking was getting bad. Here are a few points from the letter.....
1) You have always been supportive of me and you deserve a lot more credit than what I give you. When I am lazy you take care of the laundry, bills, kitchen and the messes without complaining. Especially when I have been home all day.
2) You manage the bills the best you can. I thought I could do it better, I tried and I can't.
3) You and D13 tolerate everything that I do. My drinking, griping, laziness, being gone all the time due to work ect....
4) My drinking - for whatever reason I come up with: stress, bored whatever - has caused issues, namely pushing you both away, lack of trust and not wanting conflict. I am so sorry for this and you have been dealing with it but still loves me.
5) I don't know why or what is making me like that but I will commit to changing it. I see how it has negatively immpacted not only our relationship, but the family as a whole.
6) The end result due to alcohol and selfishness I have lost sight of what is important. I have taken too many things for granted. There are far too many things that we could worry about other than has daddy been drinking.
7) I am happy and thankful to have you for my wife. I really do love you and am fortunate to have you for my wife. I feel I have taken unfair advantage of you and your true love for me. I really feel bad for not being the kind of daddy that D13 deserves.
8) I have decided to make the commitment. I know that it will be a hard, long tough road. But it is comforting to know you both love me enough to help me through it. I know you will support me and help me in whatever way I need it, and I know you will help me if I slip and fall.
****I can only hope and pray that you continue to be by my side. With the help of God, my family and friends I know that I can do this. ******
He went to 3 AA meetings, couldn't find anyone to connect to and starting drinking even more. He quit for 3 days or so. But this time he is hiding the whisky bottles all over and I was hearing that he was being watched at work and the fire dept. In July, it was so bad that is when I approched him about the drinking. He said that was the moment he "checked out" of the relationship. Since that time and before the bomb I was really trying to be supportive and watching what I was doing. Once my brother talked to me about some of the issues H had talked to him about I changed things ASAP. As my H says, it was too late.
The letter and cards always would say how lucky he is that I am his wife and that he is so thankful and that we would be together forever. That is the man I believe is truely my H.
This is why I am SO VERY CONFUSED. How can this loving and caring man all of a sudden be telling me that he wants nothing to do with me and wants a D, not to mention that he has OW, moving in with her and too bad for you. No help with money, no contact with his girls by any means.
My friends and family that know him can't believe it either. I truely believe that he loves us deep down but doesn't want to feel that and that is why he hasn't contacted us in any way.
PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS BEHAVIOR. IT IS MAKING ME CRAZY!!!
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
(((hugs))). I know the drinking is hard. Especially for us non-drinkers. But his behavior...there is no understanding it. It's not what a rational, sober, sane thinking person would do. And since most of us lean more to that side than the other side, I imagine it is very hard for any of us to understand or predict.
I do think he loves you and the kids. I imagine he feels a lot of guilt about why he has chosen the things he has. Maybe he even feels guilty about not being strong enough to change. Maybe his thinking is "I'm not strong enough to be what she needs, so I will do her the favor of giving her a D, so that she can find what she really deserves." But who really knows?? Maybe he is just that wrapped up in OW.
I still think it is just hard to understand anyone under the drinking fog. All they are really worried about is when the next drink is coming.
Good luck!
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
There IS no understanding an addict (and your husband has TWO addictions -- alcohol, and the rush of an affair). The only thing to "understand" about an addict is that they will do or say ANYTHING to keep fueling their addiction, and conversely, they will react STRONGLY to anyone who tries to DISRUPT the source of their addiction.
I haven't read your sitch, but considering how long you say this has been going on, I'd suggest you do whatever you need to do start protecting you and your children -- emotionally, legally -- and STOP trying to "understand" your husband's behavior.
There is a time to stand in loving support of the addict. And then there comes a time to say "I will not let you pull me underwater also -- you need help" and to leave. Only you know when that time is.
btw, I am the child (and grandchild, and nephew) of an alcoholic, and I do sympathize with your situation.
SRTTF, In a case of dual addiction (same as my H), you cannot incorporate DB principles. As Puppydog said you need to protect yourself and family. Have you gone to Alnon?? Drinking needs a tough love approach. You can still be kind to him but he needs to knows that you are making changes within yourself for you and your family. Stop focusing on his needs and focus on your own.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
SRTTF please let me stress and echo the posts of both Puppy and Hope. To DB is hard enough, DB'ing and addict, let alone and addict who is entangled in an A is near to impossible. Do yourself and your kids a favor and focus on you and your kids and what you need to make your life healthy and happy. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but its been the most beneficial. Even if you do ever "understand" his addiction, it won't change the behavior. Until he is ready to make that change, nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise. Protect yourself financially and legally and GAL. I'm not advocating that you give up, I'm saying that unless or until the addictions have been dealt with or even addressed, there is no working on your M. So do the right things for you and your kids. I know its tough and probably not what you want to hear, I know I sure didn't, but its the best advice I can give you. Keep posting here too, it helps and there are so many here that understand.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I have been sooooooo mad at H over the last 2 wks. I have really needed him here to help w/ things. My truck wouldn't start 3 differant days, my pipes froze, electrical problems in the bathroom and huge icicle tore off gutter on side of the house.
I have been very very proud of myself. I have not e-mailed or text him in over 2 wks. The last time was an e-mail reply to him saying that he needed to make arrangements to pick something up. I only responded by saying "I will have to talk to my laywer then I will get back to you" He responded the other day with "Why do you have to talk to your laywer? Have you been able to sell anything to help with the finances?" that is the first time he hasn't yelled about something. Also, we (my family) think that things are starting to get rocky for him. He has not worked since 11/13 and the other day my brother got a msg on his phone regarding a referance for a job. Why in the world would he think that my brother would want to give him a referance? Why hasn't he gotten a call like this before? Our thoughts are that the OW has told H that he needs to get a job or he actually just started looking. I can't imagine that things are all wonderful on his homefront, expecially because he has to hid the drinking and she doesn't smoke.
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
You need to get some legal orders ordering some cash to you and your kids right now. If he works for the FD it shouldn't be hard to get that set up. Its one thing to give him time to get his act together on the other issues but he has an obligation to his kids on the financial front. I agree with the others-get some legal help with this right away. That will give you some time to step back and go through the DB plan.
Just my .02...
Keep going forward!
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
I feel your pain. I'm glad for you that work can keep your mind off of things. It really sucks to have to deal with the financial side of all of this as well. We have enough to deal with the emotional trauma! I try to believe that it will get better and this too shall pass. He definitely can't just stick you with the bills, so do something legally to get some help. Good luck and I hope you feel better.
I am really pissed that he has left me in this spot. I am in debt up to my ears. D had to drop out of dance. My home phone is turned off and my tags were due in Nov. I am doing all I can to keep my cell, electric, trash and food. I am 3 months late on rent. I haven't gotten a dime from him. The only way that I can force the issue is to file for divorce first and then ask for a temp order for support however, if I file first my chances are not good for very much. Besides, I don't want a divorce. I am really hoping that if I don't contact him then he will start to wonder what is going on. I am really hoping that he hits rock bottom soon. From what I have heard, things are starting to get a little hairy in the happy home. Either he has just started looking for a job or finally had to but some references on an application, but my brother got a call from someone for a reference for him. My brother didn't take the call and just said what in the world is he thinking? Why would he think that my brother would recommend him for anything? We think that he just started looking and that the OW (if you can call her that) has gotten on him for not working. He has just been sitting around since he moved in there 11/13. I know he is hiding his drinking and he smokes and she doesn't. I can't imagine that all is wonderful there sitting in someone else's home with only 2 bags of his own things. Everyone that he knows, knows what has happened and is no longer his friend until he gets help, his own D won't see him and she is only 15 mins away from him. D has e-mailed him 4-5 times and he hasn't responded. I told her to stop sending them. In al-anon I was told that he is probably afraid to contact us because he feels bad about what happened and isn't sure what to say or do. Then if things are not going good there he may even be having some doubts and that would also make it hard for him to contact us.
I can't lie I just wish he would call or e-mail and say "I am so sorry I was such a jerk. I have a major problem and I need help for it. I do love you and never stopped loving you. I am coming back to get myself better then once that happens maybe we could work on our marriage." Ok I know I'm dreaming but I can do that can't I?
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
