My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[Vdad]

Okay all,

I really need help right now... You no doubt have read my story in my other thread.

Update...I had installed keylogging software on our home computer to monitor the kids but I have had a sneaky suspicion about S and relationship with old friend from HS she started up with 3 months ago.

Logged in and viola' worst fear true. Her trip to her old town to see friends was a love connection. Not sure how far it went definatly a EA possibly a PA and he decided he couldn't pursue the relationship (in an email she sent him respecting his decision). She went on to say how she could pictured a life with him and all of the kids but she had already decided she couldn't live that way ect.ect..

I had my own EA as mentioned before. So I understand how it happened.

What now? I love her and want our marriage to grow and flourish. I am DBing like a madman...

Please help.

[Virtually_Handsome]

What now? I am DBing like a madman...

Please help.

That's a good start!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm confused. I thought the keylogger confirmed that your "S" (husband?) couldn't go thru with it.[u][/u] And OW also respects that, and sounds like she's going to leave him alone.

So what's the issue? Sounds to me like "temptation dealt with; marriage back on track" . . .

Puppy

[Vdad]

Puppy,

Actually its my wife (I'm a "he") ;).

Keylogger showed a screen shot of an email being drafted before sending + it records all typed messages. So it was confirmed both ways.

The OM obviously had a change of heart and has in fact made a choice to cut the realtionship off. No calls to each other for a few days since he must have told her. His Myspace account shows him IN a relationship with a gal (not my wife) and that changed 3 days ago. So he is sending her the message.

That coincides with my wife being absolutely distraught when I came home Wed night. For no apparent reason. Now it pieces together.

As far as the marriage back on track, the email also states that she intends to get a divorce regardless. BUT the whole aim of the email seemed to be intent on changing his mind.. So not sure on the divorce.

Anyway...just some clarification. My coach said yesterday i need to ask myself before saying anything to gauge if I thought it would pull her to me, neutral, or push her away. If it wasn't pulling her...don't say it.

So for now I will continue DBing and watch and wait. I know now that she is capable of alot of deceit which is so out of character for her. BUT, we all are capable of it in the right sitch.

today will be a tough one. I have alot scheduled out of the house so thats good.

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jeff,

Sorry for the mix-up -- yeah, Puppy: "VancouverDAD" -- duhh!!!

I wouldn't put much stock in what your wife SAYS right now -- only what she DOES. I think you have a good read on the sitch: she was in "tell him ANYTHING to get him not to dump her" mode.

As I posted on your other thread, I'm not a big believer in the "don't tell them what you know; we mustn't spook the infidels!" approach. While I NEVER advocate telling them HOW you know, I think you often have to tell them WHAT you know, and what therefore your boundaries are. As Bworl pointed out to you, since you've both now had affairs, maybe you can start fresh from some sort of equal footing.

I personally don't think establishing boundaries is "pushing them away," if done properly. It is saying that "I don't WANT to push you away, but these are the things that I need in order to feel safe in the marriage, and if you can't do them, then that's your choice."

Puppy

[Vdad]

Puppy,

Read through alot of your other threads. I know where you come from on this.. I am definitely undecided as to the course of action-right now- to take.

Confront and get it on the table-OR-wait and evaluate. i have the ability to monitor everything she does (she doesn't know).. If I confront she will know I have some way of gaining info, and she may change tactics. The OM seems to cut off contact. that's good. it gives her a chance to come of the A drug.

I see my IM on Monday and he sees her as well individually. So will make him aware of the sitch and get his input.

I have no problem with using my set (ex-USMC officer) I am just hearing Joann (my counselor-DB) saying if it won't pull her towards you don't say it. However, I also do get the "get everything on the table" argument as well.

Could monitoring her for a few days be the better approach to see if its really over without the pressure of confrontation involved be the right way?

Thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If you have a good current course of intel, that she doesn't know about, I see no reason not to let it play out some more and see where it goes . . . PROVIDED you're willing to move quickly if you need to. It only takes ONE encounter to forever change her (and potentially, your) medical history, and I've seen people ruined financially as well.

Considering your background, I trust you to make a good decision regarding strategic/tactical vs. those I just perceive as waffling out of fear. WHATEVER you do, DON'T, ever, reveal the source(s) of your intel. If she asks you how you know, just say "That's not important," or "I'm not going to tell you that," or -- if need be -- "frankly, I don't think you're in any position to be making demands of me right now."

Maybe monitor the situation, give her a chance to DO THE RIGHT THING, and work on yourself in the meantime???

Puppy

[Vdad]

Pup,

I agree on giving up my intel... I won't and thanks for some wording to have that pre-planned to handle that part more effectively when I choose to have that conversation.

I just feel like I need to wait for a short period of time to see if this is over before I confront. If it is over I could regress from where we are and possibly push her out the door which will make all of this harder.

Don't get me wrong, all of my emotions are screaming for confrontation, which may ultimately need to happen regardless, but if I am really working on 180's according to Db principles, I need to step back briefly.

She is acting more upbeat the last couple of days, which may indicate the stress of the deceit may be a burden off of her shoulders. I have some time on this I think. I can pull the trigger anytime...

What do you think Puppy?

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think that is PRECISELY why I am such a big believer in having good intel. "Snooping," if you will.

Because it helps you make these kinds of smart decisions, based on good data on NOT just on the betrayed spouse's "gut," which -- let's face it -- we're often REELING.

I think it sounds like a plan.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Okay all,

Finally decided after getting many people's counsel that I had to confront the EA (not PA) my wife was having. I t has definitely ended and she came clean.. Wasn't happy about the convo but I had to conclude that i couldn't move forward until this was dealt with.

I let her know that I have already forgiven her and understood how it happens as it had to me earlier.

I think we are heading towards a separation as the daily stress of all of this is driving us both nuts. She needs to figure this out with some space and I need some peace. She spends 2-3 nights a week at a girlfriends house anyway.

She desperately wants to her time and I told her if that's what she needs to process all of her stuff that would be fine.

I told her she needs to own her own part in this mess and we need to clean the slate and start a new marriage. But she needs to work on it with me.

I basically got it all out and told her to consider staying at her girlfriends house for awhile. She told me "she doesn't want to leave her kids", I told her she already was.

We will really be tight with two households, i told her she needs to get structure to her days and until she is working we can't afford to have two houses going. I didn't want to separate but it seems like the only way to get rid of the pressure.

Puppy- I'm glad you had given me som responses to "how did you find out?" I told her that isn't what's important and she dropped it.

So back to DBing...At least it's out in the open now.

Jeff