Need some guidance...

[Vdad]

My story,

As others have preceeded before me...Here is what happened:

Roughly a year ago, having been very successful in the mortgage industry things started falling apart financially and businesswise. I started viewing myself as a failure as my inability to keep up levels of income and success started falling and the industry began unraveling. I started withdrawing and feeling horrible about myself. Throughout this journey my wife stood by my side continually telling me it didin't matter as long as we had each other and the kids (15,12,9,7) and we were healthy. The best I can describe myself through this was angry, withdrawn, emotionally disconnected, cruel, and ultimately I started fantasizing about my younger "glory days". Part of my "glory days were life in the USMC, travel, and a disjointed yet intense "first love". As the months passed and I sank deeper into depression I started wondering about this OW as my wife and I became more disconnected and as she began a party/dringking/going out cycle that I resented more and more. She basically was reacting to me and the loss of emotional connection and started doing this as a masking tool that helped her deal with the pain of my rejection.
At this point I had completetely disconnected from God, stopped praying and it got worse. I started seeking out this other woman who was married and eventually we connected-online through Myspace....Ughhh... We started communicating and before long we were reigniting old feelings left unresolved many years ago. We had an emotional affair. I was treating my wife worse and worse. I was eventually discovered on an email account by my wife with ridiculous emails professing all kinds of feelings. Even after the discovery I was treating her horribly as my anger was still rampant. I told her all manner of things such as I will always love this other woman, she will have to look over her shoulder, etc ect... I committed to stay in the marriage as it broke my heart to see her pain and disconnected from the other situation immediately.

I continued to be angry and unresponsive until my wife pulled me into the bedroom one night and told me she was done and wanted a divorce.

I cannot even explain what happened to me that night. God literally threw a thunderbolt at me and I was instantly broken.

I instantly was able, perhaps for the first time in my life to see myself for who I really was and the sight wasn't pretty. I also was able to see how much I loved my amazing wife and I would do anything to save our marriage.

Since then she has agreed to stay. That was about a month ago. She asked me for space. She asked for us to work on the friendship again. I have gone completely paranoid. She is seeking her own identitiy for the first time in our marriage and I have realized for the first time I have become completley codependant on her. I am a wreck. In that month I have returned to prayer, read any book I can get my hands on to understand what I have to do, returned to church with my children (as she won't go right now and she has always had a heart for Christ), I have started individual counseling, as she has, I have joined a Men's group, I pray all the time, asking God to change me and our marriage, I am changing who I am with God's help.

I am also am struggling with over-communication. I can't shut up and give her space. I don't sleep. I can't focus at work..I obsess I just want desperatley to reconnect with her which is driving her away. I have no boundaries...and on and on. In one month I have managed to push her even farther away. How the heck did I go from being completetly shut down to where I am at right now. I just want to save my marriage and be the husband God inteneded me to be.

I have bought Michell's book and intend to start coaching immediatley. This forum has helped give me hope again and it is allowing me to detach to give her space. I am starting to feel human again. I know I am one of a great many who are here with similar stories. I need help through this and am learning great insight into how to draw her back again.

I am becoming lovingly detached...She is texting me asking me if I am going to my Men's group tonight (which I told her this am I was). Should I stay silent and unavailable? Wait awhile? Or be polite and respond? She is so used to me jumping whenever she communicates with me as I have grown very needy...

All insight and help is appreciated!

Thanks for the long story but I wanted it to be complete.

[AmyC]

You are definitely headed in the right direction.
Good for you for even having the capacity to be broken by your wife after having an emotional affair. They can so distort things...but I think your heart was right at the right time...and you can get through this.

You'll just have to put a cork in it and trust God.

Get and read Divorce Remedy cover to cover.
Then when you think you've got it all down pat, read it again.

Don't talk more than you listen.
Read and pray and never stop seeking grace.
Also recognize that you need to lay the jealousy aside and support her in her efforts to broaden her horizons.
If it looks like you are not, she will not stay with you.
So stifle the paranoia.
And recognize that it comes from your own indescretions.

Get it together.

I see a lot of hope for your marriage.



Good luck,

AmyC

[Vdad]

AmyC,

Thanks for that. It helps it really does.

Got up this morning and got the kids ready. Eventually she got up and helped with that. Kept things very calm(as I was usually a timebomb in the am). As she has been going out to girlfriends/going to bars I politely asked if she had plans tonight. She said no, but I know that can change in a moments notice if she gets emotional or feels trapped.

We will see how tonight goes. I will remain silent today at work.

As I left I now seperate myself from her, no hugs, no kiss, no ILY, and I either give a polite wave or something similar. She told me to have a good day and I left.

So hopefully this will draw her towards me over time.. Any other tips would help.

[itsy]

Just by you not being a time bomb this am was a 180...congrads.
You are dbing with your knowledge keep it up. Think of some more 180's this afternoon at work make a list...that always helpd me.

Keep the converation light and lively but do not force yourself she'll see right through you...if she wants to talk just listen...women just like to talk and sometimes they want you to just listen...not fix...

make a mental note about what you want to talk about...movies,tv, kids keep off M, act like this is a date..sometimes they WAS just want to date and see if it is safe to come out..

Learning to communicate will be hard at times open your mind to what women say and how they say it. Look listen focus to what we say

No pressure of any sorts
I wish that you have a great evening..just remeber Dbing practices and maybe she will start to pursue more...Good Luck I hope that I have helped...seem confident too, a big one
ITSY

[Vdad]

Quick question,

Should I be leaving the house more often...Getting out giving her space? Doing my own thing? We have 4 kids and she's already at home most of the time already?