Ok ...here's the scoop today. XH had requested to be my friend on IM two wks ago.....
Talked with XH on IM and we had a nice conversation. Told me he went fishing etc....(something my XSIL said he only did to get away from me...not! XH Loved it) We talked about our dog, if I had him still etc.. He told me that I was always a good wife and I went back and said he was always a great H and I am sorry about it didnt work out between us and always wished it did.
Then asked him if he thought we ever could get it back...no response (I Know I should have never asked)
Then XH said well not to bring up the past...XH then proceeded to blamed my Oldest D. **(History) When she was teen she was hanging with a really bad crowd and stole from XH...he never forgave her and has been angry ever since.** Stated she thru a monkey wrench into his life and he wishes he could say it was for the best. Not(DIRECT QUOTE)
OK So he is still angry on this.
I acknowledges his hurt and then proceeded to tell him that we all have demons in our closet, myself inc and that as adults we have to grow from these....I told him that she regrets what she did back then and that she was young...and has told me how sorry she was. I did not say to him about his demons of drugs and alcohol or the OW that destroyed our family...which I so wanted to do...but then I was going backwards if I did...
XH told me he was happy that I bought a house and asked if it was from our D settlement and I told him a small portion was, the rest I worked for and got a settlement from my GM estate...he then said good for you...
XH had to leave and said he would be back on later that he was sorry...
ok my question is...did I handle that right????
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
You handled it well. But....no more asking the question of reconciling...he's not ready to hear it. Treat him as a friend, no expectations and go from there. He's looking for any excuse to be angry and justify why he's behaving the way he is...don't buy into it.
Focus on you and your life for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FB, I think what I am noting from you is that a) they do come out of it and b) it seems that four or five years post-bomb is when it happens, if it ever does.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Snodderly, Thank you. I knew once I wrote that I wasn't going to get an answer and I think the little Devil in me came out. But again back to DBing and go from there. I knew I had to acknowledge the hurt he has..but I don't think he will ever let this go. Do I just keep saying Im sorry for your pain, is there something I am missing... to say besides the acknowledgement? But thank you so much.....again always good answers!
Forward...yes they do come out of it. Im not really sure how long he has been out. I dont think it has been too long though. My XH has many demons that held him back from coming from this alien world. I also understand it does take along time if they are in a deep MLC, as mine was......Good luck to you. I am praying for us all.....Keep DBing it really is the best for us all!
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
What he wants is someone to listen to him and validate his feelings. He's not looking for a fix to the problem. He knows that he's the one that has to figure it out and let it go. You can continue to say that you are sorry he feels the way that he does and then drop it. At some point he may very well speak to her about how he feels. However, he needs to come up with the solution on his own.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Snodderly!! How are you doing? I hope things are going ok with you..Im so sorry I am hardly on here that much just to post something...I have you in my prayers!!!!
I do have to agree with what you said..he is the only one who can make this right in his own head and let it go.
Just alittle update, I got an email from my XSIL...saying she has met my GD and how beautiful she is and what a good mom my D is and also to let me know that her D has started school. Now mind you, when she was preg. and they had her b.shower I was not invited but the OW was. I do not even know what her D looks like.
Also My D's invited XSIL to the christenings of my GC but said she could not go because it would be a smack in the face to her B because of what her B has gone thru because of the D....um she was the one to help it and carry it on.
I will DB her too and know she was looking out for her B, as I would have done myself.But how I am suppose to get over the anger I have towards her. His parents did not even get involved. But she did...
Any comments welcome!!!
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
FB I dont know the whole story with your xsil and certainly you have a right to your feelings and to work them through I would DB xsil and work on forgiveness we are different now yes the past was hurtful with a lot of her xh family but as we heal we let it all go noy that we will be best friends or fully trust them either but to be as amlicable towards them as possible I woulf think is the highest road and since your XH is attemting to reconnect with kids and you, I would practise forgiveness and them work out the anger with a therapist just my thoughts peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
peacetoday and forward, Thank you...yes I have decided to DB XSIL as well. I will be cordial as that is my nature anyway but will not go out of the way for any of them. Haven't talked to XH in a few wks. Not sure whats going on, I think I may scared him with our conversation of last. Oh well. I will do what I must for me and see what the future holds...
To all the DBer's...Be strong and hang in there for you!
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
