WAW - yet another one

[confusedinpa]

Last nite I tried to give her a little more space.

When she came home I gave her a hug and a kiss on the check.

We had a nice dinner where we talked/chatted a little while. I tried my best to validate her emotions as she talked about her day, but I'm still trying to figure out what that meant.

She's coming down with a cold again - it's been hard the last 4 weeks, between her ear infection (2 weeks of antibiotics that hurt her stomach everynite), stomach bug (3-4 days in the bathroom) and a couple of days of really bad cramps for her monthly cycle.

I started to take the kids up to get them ready for bed (bath, brush teeth and change). She asked if I wanted her to help with one, I told her she can just rest and relax since she was sick since I wanted her to feel better. She laid down on the recliner with a blanket, I asked if she wanted some tea, but she declined. After I got down from getting them ready, I joked that I was surprise that she was still awake (it was 7:30). She smiled and tossed out that she was thinking about taking a bath. I told her that sounds like a nice idea that could also help her relax.

She came down from the bath more relaxed and feeling a little better. She used the bath salts I had gotten her for Xmas (before she made the announcement on Jan 2nd that she had seen a lawyer, and wound up signing on Jan 9th). She said she liked them as there were salts and rose pedals. I told her I was really glad she liked them.

We wound up watching Lost that nite. I was also feeling a little run down (fighting a cold) so I told her that I would only stay up for 1 Episode (we usually watch 2). She agreed. We sat on separate couches as I was trying to give her space. We talked/chatted intermittenly during the show. At the end of the nite, we went up to bed. She got ready first. When I went to bed, I gave her a kiss on the check goodnite. We chatted again lightly and we fell asleep - with the pillow between us again (I really hate that pillow).

We had talked about the pillow in the first week or 2 of my panic week. She said it was always there, just that I didn't notice. I couldn't aruge with her, but I could have sworn she would put it on the floor a few times.

Anyway, this morning, she seemed more distant. I got ready first since she wasn't feeling well so she could get an extra 20 minutes of sleep. When I was ready, I went to her side of the bed and we talked a little about how her cold was feeling. I tried to empathize and rubbed her arm lightly. I gave her a kiss on the check again and told her I wished she felt better. When she got up, she gave me a light hug. When I stopped hugging, she asked if I could crack her back, so I hugged her tightly again.

When I left his morning, I gave her another quick hug and kiss on the check and said goodbye.

I think I'm going sit next to her tonite to watch the show as I think that by me not sitting next to her, it may be confusing her. She had made a comment during the counseling session that she recognizes and is proud of my changes, but she just can't see beyond the pain I caused her. She also commented that if I ever "slip up", which she would expect would happen as everyone is human, that it would make her "flip out". As one of the issues that she had brought out is that when we watch shows before, I didn't pay attention to her or use that time to make/maintain connections.

That's why I think sitting next to her, with no touching, hugs or kisses, will at least make it a little "connected". In the past I had sat next to her with a lot of touching that she didn't like. Figure this could be a good balance. Anyone want to chime in on that thought?

[MrBond]

Well you answered your own question at the end.

You said she didn't like it, so don't do it. More space.

[cz946]

Just be careful confused,
I did the same thing your are doing when I first heard the Bomb. It seems you are trying to be the perfect H. Don't go over board. I would stop initiating all hugs and kisses. My XW has stated that it drove her nuts when I completely switched into panic mode and was kissing her a$$ for months. She sais it actually drove her further away!

The perception that we are trying to get across to them is:
1. We can change for the better.
2. We can strive with or without them.
3. We want to change to better ourselves not just to save our M.

They already now we love them, otherwise we wouldn't try so hard.
My XW struggles with #3. She still isn't sure why I have made the changes. She still knows that I am in desperation mode to reconcile my M. Which is certainly true, but I truely do want to change. I have identified my faults.
The funny thing is my XW has told me "she knows I will never make the same mistakes again."
In a way this confuses me, I say to myself, then why aren't you willing to try.
I believe in part that she is truely having fun living like a 21 year old party girl, and she loves the attention she is getting.
She was married at 20 and most of her friends lived the party life sytle, so she is trying to make up for lost times.
But I know her better than anyone. She will get sick of that life soon.

[confusedinpa]

Just be careful confused,
I did the same thing your are doing when I first heard the Bomb. It seems you are trying to be the perfect H. Don't go over board. I would stop initiating all hugs and kisses. My XW has stated that it drove her nuts when I completely switched into panic mode and was kissing her a$$ for months. She sais it actually drove her further away!

CZ946,

You bring up a good point. I thought I was starting to see some signs of how she wasn't appreciating the things that I am trying to do as a "perfect" husband.

Last nite, when I sat on the couch near her, she reached over with with leg and rested them against mine. I rubbed/caressed her foot and calf lightly and asked if she wanted to use the "sensual oil" candle that we had used before for massages. She said that the candle was upstairs, and I responded that we could grab it when we bring the kids to bed.

I wound up bringing it down when I had to run upstairs for something else before the kids went to bed. After the kids came back down, I noticed the candle wasn't lit, so I asked if she still wanted to use it. She said she just hadn't had a chance to light it. I lit and and brought it over. When it was lit for a while, I asked if it was ready. She said yes and I gave her a full body massage. She gave me a hug afterwards, but not much acknowledgement. Mentally I made the note of waiting for her to ask for now on.

Perhaps this is what my therapist warned me of, that I may try so hard, that I would get frustrated/angry to the point where I will want to walk away to.

It does hurt and makes me angry at the same time.