WAW - yet another one

[confusedinpa]

Now's I'm even more confused/anxious. I'm on the verge of a panic attack but can't call any of my friends/support as they are all out with their spouse and/or families.

After we put the kids to bed, I asked my wife if she was going to come back down. She said yes (we touched checks - we normally kiss when we put the kids to bed).

She came down and laid down on the couch and complained about her stomach. I said her that I presume we're not going to watch "Lost" tonite - we had been watching, starting in season 1, for the last 3 nites. She said probably wont be able to through her eyelids. The laundry dryer stopped so I grabbed it (it was mostly my dress clothes) to hang them up. She came up still in her funk. I asked her if she needed some alone time (we had normally been going to bed together, but 8:30 is a little early, even when I'm trying to spend time with her). Fortunately she said yes and I just said good nite (no hug or kiss) and closed the bedroom door.

She had a bad afternoon as it was suppose be a "girls" day, that she decided at the last minute not to go to. Then I encouraged her to go and have some me time (something I never did in the past). She went and got her fingernails and feet done. She came back all upset because the girl who did them did a really bad job.

On the way home, she picked up something that she had been craving for dinner. When we ate it, it was not what she had expected it would taste like, so we tossed most of it. Which is why her stomach is bothering her tonite.

Our day started out well - we went to soccer and after we got back and shoveled the driveway, we went out shopping as a family. Before we went out, we each had a shot of tequilla - she has small bottles of it with the worm in it. We had, what I thought was a good time (she even said she enjoyed it).

Then prior to the kids getting their bath, she started to talk about how she's struggling how to move forward with the seperation - from a logistics perspective. I think she has really given up trying to find a reason to try. She has vented on Thurs that she wished that I hadn't "gotten it" now as it would have been a lot easier. She even vented in about why life has to be so complicated.

I have no idea what to do.

Perhaps she's confused.

Perhaps she's made up her mind to not even consider a chance anymore and she's afraid to tell me

Perhaps she's just had a bad day and needs alone time

Perhaps?????

What's really odd is her mom called all upset that she had a bad feeling and just wanted to make sure everything was ok tonite.

No idea.

I guess I just have to remind myself I am doing everything that I can. It's up to her as well to save the relationship - and the family.

I do know not to press her on a relationship discussion. It's killing me not to press her to talk about it - odd as in the past I wouldn't talk about and she kept pressuring me. Now it's the other way around.

I must go on......

[confusedinpa]

The morning seemed to start out tense. She didn't bring up the separation topic

She did bring up how in the past she felt I was more interested in watching TV than her. I acknowledged that must have really hurt her. I'm sure I crossed the line when I said that I don't think I was evem watching it. I thought I was more lost in thought - perhaps subconsciously trying to figure out what was wrong.

At lunch I got hit with another one where she was talking about how her stomach has been giving her problems. She said she used to have stomach problems coming home from work - in anticipation of how bad I was treating her (disinterested/disconnected). Now she doesn't have it until late at nite. She thinks its because she doesn't want to go to bed with me. I told her that hurts and makes me sad to hear that. Unfortunately our kids interrupted so we couldn't get any further on that.

What's painful is that I know she sees the changes. She even commented how I seemed to have lost weight over the last 2 weeks (I wasn't trying but I went in 2 belt notches). She sees that I think she's important. She feels that I support and listen to her (except for the divorce)

Unfortunately it may be too late. She keeps falling back to how she can't see trying to love someone who hurt her so badly. I used to argue that I didn't know but she doesn't buy that. She felt I was just being mean. Our counselor/therapist thinks my fear/anxiety stopped me from seeing it (my wife was there when she said it). My wife still feels that's not an excuse. She felt that I was made aware and reacted very negatively

At times I feel like all is lost as its falling on a closed heart and mind. I want to curl up in a ball and cry

I know that is weak

I need to remain strong and keep trying for my 2 sons. It is hard

At times I feel like I am groing angry and resentful to her.

At lunch, after her stomach statement, I told her that all I can do is try my best. If its not good enough, that's her decision

I'm worried that my love for her will get replaced by hurt and resentment. Perhaps that will make it easier to give up

But I know I can't. My oldest just sat down next to me becuase he wanted to be near me

I can't give up

Any suggestions on what to talk about at the counseling session tomorrow nite (assuming she goes)?

[confusedinpa]

Just before dinner, she started to complain about her stomach again - I thought here we go. This time though, she thinks it's heartburn from lunch.

What was really odd was before dinner, I put on the radio to play her Ipod. She put on the playlist that she made for me because she added a song last week as a surprise for me (it was the theme song from the Apprentice that she knew I liked). Then she put on love songs. I thought this was a good sign. After a few songs, I asked her to dance. She put her arms around me like she would when we would dance. I started to move, but she then just said I'm not dancing. Of course the kids then interupted before I could say anything else. I was pissed - at one point I thought she was playing around just to mess with me.

I calmed down and at least stayed positive during dinner - upbeat and relaxed.

We wound up watching Lost after the boys went to bed. I started sitting on the other couch but wound up sitting next to her as the kids kept getting up so we didn't want the TV on too loud (her couch was closer). I didn't try to talk or touch her. She did start flipping through the Entertainment book I got for us to look for date nite ideas. When she was done, I asked her if anything looked interesting. Nothing jumped out at her.

After we went to bed and chatted for a little while, she said her heartburn was too much so she went to sleep on the recliners so she would be a little more upright.

I'm very confused and frustrated

I'm still trying to figure out what to say/cover in the counseling session tomorrow. Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

I just realized today is the 4 week "anniversary" of my wife hitting me with the Divorce bomb.

I down, but I'm also mad.

I don't know why she seems to have given up trying to find a reason. Perhaps I should be mad at myself for doing the wrong things so it's pushing her away. Perhaps I never had a chance as her mind and heart has been closed off.

She sees and acknowledges the changes. She says logically giving it another chance is the right thing.

She just can't find any remaining positive feelings for me. Nor can she imagine planting a new seed of love for someone who hurt her so badly.

I just can't seem to shake this feeling of lashing out. I know that's the wrong thing to do.

I need some guidance.

[Can it work]

Hey there Confused. You're still doing great IMO. Keep up the good work. You're doing the right thing by coming here to vent your emotions rather than go to your W.

The fact is that you said that your W was seeing and acknowledging the changes you've made. That's an amazing thing. Keep it up. Right now, your W is obviously really confused and doesn't believe that these changes are going to be permanent. It's your job now to make sure they do remain permanent. She's admitted that giving it another chance is the logical thing to do. Now you need to be patient and DB your A$$ off to make the woman of your dreams fall fro you all over again.

Don't lash out whatever you do and try not to let your negative emotions towards your W show. Keep acting 'as if' and show her your PMA. What she needs now is to really believe you've changed for the better. Give it time. Your W is confused at the moment.

We're all here for you on the boards. Use us to vent, not your W. You really are doing great. Well done.

[confusedinpa]

What just made it tougher is that I got out of a meeting where we need to decide on either taking another 40 people out of our company or enacting an across the board 20% pay cut. We (the executive team) have already taken 20% pay cut so this would make a total of 40% of us.

Normally I would talk/vent to my wife about that, but now I feel very alone in trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Do you think this is something I can talk to her about?

[confusedinpa]

My therapist told me I should tell my wife as in the past I didn't tell her and internalized it which added to the problem.

So I called my wife in a venting manner. She just said she was sorry to hear that. I asked how her day was going and she said better than mine (I think she was trying to be funny, but there was no emotion).

The frustration mounts.

I need to remember to stay focused.

[MrBond]

You need to give it more time. 4 weeks seems like an eternity for you, but try 11 months. That's how long I've had my sitch and it's finally starting to seem a little more positive.

It's a long and winding ride my friend. And from what's been going on with you, it seems it's going to get much more worse before it gets better.

Sorry, but that's the truth. But you'll also come out a much stronger person than ever.

You'll see.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck808

Thanks for the support

It's really hard to keep it together and focused when it's falling on what seems to be a closed heart. The irony is this is how she must have felt over the past years. She had said it had gotten much worse after the birth of our second son (he turns 3 at the end of March). I had just started a job that was 2 hours away (each way) so I would leave at 4:00 AM and not be back until after 8:00 PM. That didn't leave much time for me with the kids, let alone her and I.

I switched jobs after 6 months, but I think the true damage was done. My new job required me to travel 1 week every 2-3 months. After 3 months, found out our division was going to be divested so that kept me busy for 12 months (between traveling as part of my regular job, which increased to 1 week every 2 months and all the management/investment banker meetings/dinners). After the sale of the company, the past year I was so focused on setting up the new company, as well as integrating our newer acquisition, I lost track of my wife. That's the truly sad part of it. She tried so hard - much like I am now. That's why I can so empathize with the pain. I want to give up after 4 weeks, she tried for so many years. No wonder she is hardened. Perhaps I should talk about that in counseling session as well - it's only an hour, so I know I can't fit everything in (her issues with her dad and mom's divorce, her anger, etc), although its all related.

So many people are telling me to just give up (well meaning friends, they don't want to see me continue to hurt I guess).

I just don't know how to get through to her.

I know all I can do is keep on my 180. She has noticed. Now I just need her to believe and care. That's the tough part.

Thanks for everyone's encouragement. It means everything to me know as it seems like that's all I've got.

[confusedinpa]

I was a little more hopeful during the dinner prior to the counseling session. She told me how proud she was of the changes I've been making and how they will make me such a better person and father. Unfortunately, the problem is she doesn't know how to get past it so she would want me as a husband. We agreed to talk to the counselor about that.

The counselor then started by asking how it was going. I tried to acknowledge her feelings, but then she pressed me into explaining how/why I thought I knew/understood them better. Then it got into the past. My wife then jumped on the bandwagon to talk about the past injustices. The killer one was when we had our first dance, I had tried to take some of the stress out of the situation for my by joking about how long the song was. Big mistake. Apparently that had been bugging my wife since that day. It went that way talking about my past stupid moves that just got her more emotional - at least she was crying.

The therapist did say something about her father and how she had anger issues she has to deal with. But there wasn't much talk beyond that.

I did try to get it back to how will my wife get past the anger/hate, but my therapist said we need to stay right where we're at. We each owned 50% of the problem - my reluctance for connections/intimacy and her inability to communicate her anger/emotions. Not sure where this is heading. I wanted to work on our relationship, but I guess this is one way to get there.

I'm really annoyed as I was going to get into the whole thing about how my wife was perplexed on how to move past the hurt/hate, but my therapist wanted to understand and get the heart of the issue of what caused it. I guess that's the right way to do it.... or is it........

So how does a DB counselor approach this?

Meanwhile I have my appointment with her Weds and we have a joint one scheduled on Monday (hopefully my wife is still around then).

On the way out, I stopped my wife to appologize again for the "long song" comment during our first dance. She cried and I tried to comfort her.

On the way home, she was still upset and when we got home, she said she was going out to get a cup of tea for some alone time. When she got back, she was still tense (her jaw muscle was still tight). She couldn't find anyplace open to get tea so I made her a cup as she went upstairs to change. We surfed the internet to printout some restaurant coupons for us to use and we laughed as she showed me some of her old HS pictures on facebook. I massaged her shoulders lightly as we did that.

When we went to bed, I did give her a light kiss - I could tell she's still uncomfortable with that and before everyone jumps on that one, I know I need to stop :p

We talked a little about the session - she asked that there was one part that she was uncertain of. When she was venting, she expressed some concern about how I would say that it made me sad/hurt. The therapist had said that's ok, as I need to feel that. She asked me what I thought that meant.

I told her I think that I had shut down all my emotions so I stopped enjoying life as well as experiencing the pain/hurt. Feeling both is healthy is what I thought it meant.

My wife then talked about how she felt that I didn't seem to get when the therapist was trying to explain validating the feelings. She explained how it's not "I see how that hurt you and I'm sorry" (which is what I did), but rather "That must have been so hurtful or that is really hurtful/sad". I think I can see the subtle difference, but could really use some more input on this one. Any suggestions or other recomendations?

She then made a comment about how she feels the counseling session is helpful regardless of which direction we head down - divorce or reconcilation. She reiterated how she sees how I'm a much better person now and will be a great father. She just can't get beyond the past to see me as her husband. Very sad. I didn't say anything, I just rubbed her arm lightly. I do have a session with the therapist on Weds (one on one), I have to remember to ask her about that one. I suspect that she will say that this is her decision and there is nothing that I say or do that will affect it.

This morning, I could tell she was tired. I offered to get up to get ready for work first so she could sleep for an extra 20 minutes. I walked over to her side and gave her a light kiss (I know still bad, but at least I stopped climbing almost on top of her to give her the kiss). We talked for a few seconds, but she did reach out and touch my arm as we talked. This was the first time in weeks that she did that. I'm trying not to read any more into this as it was probably just to try and comfort me (I was trying not to talk or act needy, but she does read/know me so well).

I gave her a hug to crack her back before I left for work and just got a check for a kiss.

I am working on getting a life by reconnecting with a few old friends. Unfortunately, none of them are local so I'm not sure if that's really going to help. We have to boys (in 2 months will be 7 and 3) so I'm spending time with them. I've also been focused on getting chores/honey do list items done. I used my weights and heavy bag for the first time last weekend, I'm planning on 2-3 times/week for that. I'm really not sure what else there is to do to GAL - I don't want to do things that make it appear I'm back on the "singles" scene. Any suggestions?

Its still very hard and painful. I know this will take time. The therapist/counselor said that as well. I hope my wife had heard that too.