Morning K... yes, perhaps we should be being mindful, acting from the heart, not the head, or is it, not through the ego? Fear can stop us doing so many things and realising our true potential, I know that from 18 years of being in its grip! Feels wonderful to be free from those fears. But then I guess it also serves a purpose, stops us doing things that might be rash or 'dangerous' for us.. but then, you havent done anything on impulse, so far.. so dont be hard on yourself! What are your fears then? Thinking of you!
So, my exercises this week include a)what I want in my life to be happy b) what I want in my relationship (with anyone)to be happy c) what I am afraid of in regards to the R with my H and d) what positives I see in him.
I will leave out the happy life part which I guess is what we all want like health, laughter, less stress, love, appreciation, friends, learning new things, raise confident kids, personal time, risk etc, etc...
In my relationship I need the following: Love and warmth, the feeling that I am not alone in this world Conversation Brain stimulation Make me want to become a better person/woman Appreciation expressed with words, gestures etc. Sexual desire, feel wanted and safe to experiment and enjoy sex Safety, security not only meaning to not be constantly worried he is walking out the door but also feel that my SO is on my team, my friend, wants the best for me, that I can relax,take a break and I can be sure he will be there to step up and help me Honesty from him and the "space" to be honest myself, BE myself while with him Pursue personal ambitions but also have some common goals, dreams etc Laughter and humor Respect Support and encouragement, interest in me, my work, my days, my nights, my feelings, my thoughts...
What I am afraid of in relation to H That he has no idea how all this affected me and consequently will not make efforts to "make it better" That in order for this new R to last, I would have to again accept the absolute minimum (in various areas : companionship, time, desire, words etc ) That he sees me as the mother of his children not as a woman That I will never feel safe again That living with him will mean a lonely life That he cant treat me as if I am his gift, with appreciation That his is not willing to act and therefore I will again have to resume past duties which will burden me very much That a relationship with him will limit me and my dreams That his return wasn't conscious, could be the result of an other relationship failing or because of the sense of family he has and missed That he could again do the same easier than before (walk out at hard times) That I will not be able to love him connect with him the way I should.
My list of positives is very short: appearance, humor, our past, financially sensible (doesn't overspend) honorable, doesn't gossip and 3-4 things that I used to believe about him but not anymore: honesty, respect towards people, sensitivity.
So, these are what I am planning to give our C and she intents to discuss these with us. I am sure my way of thinking is common but I wanted to post here and hear your suggestions or ideas if you have any. My first instinct was to lie so I wouldn't hurt him but I can't do that. I never have and I will certainly not do it now. God, the fears really look bad, dont they? Anyway they are what they are, xxxx K
I am going to take your list of what you need in a relationship and see where i have failed in the past and where i need to improve moving forward. Secondo, I may even make my own list of what i need.... Finally, you managed to turn the list of positives into a semi negative one. I will be very honest with you, your three negatives especially trust (or lack of) probably overshadow your positives. That is what jumped out at me K. But you know me, once negative always negative!
I was thinking that some of your worries, fears of negatives about the R at this juncture sound perfectly natural, considering the A and you being S for a year.. so its a moving target right, it would need work, to fix it, to restore that trust and your faith and belief in him as an honourable, honest guy.. because he has damaged your view of him, not only the R and you have lost respect.. so remains to be seen if it can be fixed, if he can do whats needed and if you want him to !! So many unknowns...
As for what he can give you anway, as a man and a H... you have had 12 years to get to know him and so far, he hasnt changed right, guess you have to face that one in the cold light, is this him, is he going to stay this way, is it enough??
These WAS really do open Pandoras box by leaving hey. xxxx
A think you have created a good, and honest list. But I do question one entry. I don't quite understand the desire to be treated as "his gift". I understand that you want to be appreciated. But to me a gift is something pretty that is admired and placed gently on the shelf. It is not a partner in life, someone who will pitch in and carry half the load, a person who can be relied on to get her hands dirty when there is work.
I'm pretty sure that my husband loves me. I feel confident and fairly secure in that. But I don't think he sees me as a gift. Perhaps, a couple of times a year, when we dress up and go out, and I look good on his arm, maybe he treats me that way for a little while. On an everyday basis, I think he treats me as a good friend, and shows appreciation for the things I do.
Sara, believe me, I am no decoration item. I use a Black & Decker, change tires, etc etc, on top of all the rest that need to be done in a house. When I say gift I mean the feeling you get sometimes when you look at your life partner and think to yourself "God i was lucky to have met him/her!!!" and realise how good you have it. Maybe I never felt appreciated and had to say it in all possible ways...LOL!!
Today we havent contacted each other yet and it is 22:00. I think the advice we got, "dont do anything you dont feel like", took the guilt away and now we are comfortable staying completely apart from each other. Makes me wonder if we are fooling ourselves...
Anyway, I am going back to my pre=anti bomb era and spend more quality time with the kids, cook, watch my diet, listen to music, use all sorts of wonderful smelling body lotions etc etc
Today I changed the bracelet he bought me. I bought very long, 'thin' delicate golden earings I would never have bought myself but I think they will look good with black turtleneck and my short hair... a 180 for me. I think this must be if not the first the second time I change a present. I dont care.
"Today we havent contacted each other yet and it is 22:00. I think the advice we got, "dont do anything you dont feel like", took the guilt away and now we are comfortable staying completely apart from each other. Makes me wonder if we are fooling ourselves..."
hi there Kalni - could you be engaged in some double-think / bluff calling here - or are you saying you don't feel like contacting H? Are you thinking he doesn't feel like contacting you? Is he thinking that you're thinking and so he's thinking....???
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
We never contacted each other yesterday. GFI, we are supposed to call if we feel like it, ask to go for dinner, drinks, walks, coffee, have sex, anything we feel like wanting we are allowed to ask for. We should NOT do anything we dont feel like doing because we assume it is good for our relationship. The word was "you dont have a relationship to work for, you only have yourselves".
I didnt feel like calling him, I didnt. I dont miss him. I am used to being alone for a 16 months now plus emotionally I am detached from him. I dont know what he is thinking, I am not ASSUMING. Actually, it's more probable that he wasnt thinking..., he just forgot.
Thanks Mish, I was worried about me too. I was panicking, frustrated, pressured, heartbroken, mad, etc etc all at the same time. I am rationalizing (yeah I know head over heart again) everything and fear is subsiding. We'll see. xxxx K
