I need to get these crummy feelings out of me. I am so upset that I'm having a difficult time thinking of anything else right now.
My ex-husband has not acknowledged either of our kids' birthdays for the last two years. Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. He didn't call or write. She didn't mention anything and usually I would just lament about it a bit and move on but the guys been such a waste-oid these last few months. He's lost two jobs and has been down on his luck financially. He wrote and asked me if we could work something out for child support. The kids have been complaining about his lack of money for some time. They tell me that they can't do anything because of the lack of money he has.
When he addressed this issue with me, I said that I would give him some of the money he pays in child support back to him for him to USE ON THE KIDS. What I explained to him is for him to do "fun" stuff like movies, out to eat, stock his pantry, junk like that. That went fine for a couple months 'til Christmas. The kids came back from a weekend with him after Christmas and I asked them what they got from their father and they said nothing. They said that he couldn't afford anything right now. Not only that, he took the $100 each that his parents gave to the kids and kept it and told them that he'd give it back to them later... My son said that he told his dad that he can keep his $100 'cuz there is nothing that he needs. My daughter called him and asked him for her money and he said he was sending it and of course, it never showed up.
I also found out that he has a new girlfriend with young children and my money is on the notion that he bought things for her but couldn't come up with anything for his own kids because he's trying to impress her. At this point, I am no longer giving him money back because he's not doing anything with it for the kids and I wasn't doing it to help him out in any other way than to be able to lighten the load for the kids.
He also sent me a most recent e-mail saying that he couldn't take the kids for a month or so because he didn't have the money for them. This was after I said that I wouldn't be paying him the money I was sending him. I suppose he's showing me. I'm sick of sending my kids and having them come back in size 10 clothes (my daughter is 15) and girl tops and bottoms for my son that are also extremely small.
It makes me sick a) that I married this guy and had kids with him and b) that he is such a selfish pigdog to have all his priorities all messed up. I usually blow this stuff off as it's here and there and not so all at once.
The guy is what, 45? He still doesn't have anything together any more than he did when we split up. I just more than anything can't believe that his kids mean so little to him. It makes me very sad. If they complained about it, I would feel so much worse. The feel sorry for him, which I guess I understand, but they also aren't really thinking of what he's not doing. I think some day they will look back on their childhood and maybe consider what a schlub he was... I mean we were just in his town for a swim meet and he couldn't even show up for five minutes for that. I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND PEOPLE LIKE HIM. How can you look your child in the eye and accept their love knowing that you aren't even the parent you should be? That stuff just blows my mind.
after reading this again, I want to add that when I said that I couldn't believe I had children with this man, I meant it more from the standpoint of my stupidity for picking him as a father vs. me being proud to be a parent to the children I have, despite who their father is.
Major vent there baby. I'm sorry. I truly wish that things were different.
I feel sorry for the kids. Unfortunately, although I know it's misplaced, I feel sorry for him, don't know why. Maybe it just makes me sad to read this.
But I also know firsthand that it's entirely possible to be a parent without money. Fun stuff doesn't have to cost anything. And just spending time with kids, hanging out and giving them attention is enough. And it only costs a few bucks to swing by a swim meet and watch.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yuck - that does suck for the kids. When there are two households, it makes for pretty unavoidable clarity that their father's dropping the ball while their mom has things together.
Very complex, hey? You can't make his misbehavior up to them. But your being a great Mom will help them weather this. They love him regardless, I'm sure, yet he's disrespecting their love for him by not working as hard as he can to be their father and a good role model. You and PD are doing a great job showing them what a beautiful work in progress a M is.
I had a convo on a similar vein with my Ex the other day. She was concerned that S9 was noting how small her place was and how he wanted to live in a real house (she chose to live in a new trendy condo with a lot of 20 s/t's around, and now regrets it too). I just noted to her that I'm not at all concerned about S9 being left hungry for some things. There's a load of research that shows fully satiated or content kids (read "spoiled") tend not to do much in their lives in terms of reaching their full potential - academics, occupation, etc...
On the other hand, it sure rubs a loving parent the wrong way to see one's kids disrespected.
Sounds like you chose well to return to the CS agreement standards. Is there a danger in setting precedent (by returning money to him) if he goes to court for official CS reduction due to hardship?
You and PD/JM are the rock in your kids' lives. Nicely done!
PD and I talked about this for a while tonight and he said that even when he was down on his luck financially and had very little, he saved pop cans for some money but still saw his kids no matter what. That's the kind of person I wish was the father of my kids. I want my kids to feel as important as I know they are from both their father and from me. I can't look at them and not help but think of what he's missing. It makes my throat tight and my head hurt. I don't give respect to money. To me, it's an excuse to say I have no money and I can't see my kids. Money isn't what the kids want from him nor is it their expectation. They would like to spend some time with their dad which is really priceless and cost free. I would gladly help him with gas money since he's saying that's a problem, too. Right now, I need to kind of calm down so I can maybe suggest some of that stuff to him but basically, his last e-mail indicated an all encompassing "I can't afford to take the kids right now" sort of mentality.
I went on and on about this stuff and erased it. I guess my sails are losing wind. I just don't get his mentality and lack of fatherliness. : )
I can tell you're a thoughtful father, Mr. FL. Congratulations to you and thanks again.
sorry Indigo)))) it is mind blowing to see what a mess they've made of their lives and how messed up their priorities are. It will never make any sense, what they are doing, how they dont' realize how they could be affecting their kids, they can only see 2 weeks into the future. My stbdx doesn't even provide too small clothes, since he pays me CS he says all the kids needs should come from that, and at this point, with all the debt he's acrued adn with new gf no way he'll buy a sock for them.
I know it sucks, but he's the one loosing out hon, kids grow up so fast and your kids by now have realized who the responsible parent is.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I don't post here much anymore - joined the other refugee website when most of our generation DBers jumped ship (or were made to walk the plank). Several of us also connect via FB.
I'm in an interesting place currently. Its really difficult in that I'm breaking off my engagement with C - just had to admit to myself that she wasn't changing for the negative in front of me - instead, I was seeing her true colors. I have to admit that a good part of my old stuff kicked in, wanting to make it work, pouring in far more than my share in effort, then I realized that I was shaping my efforts with wishes, such as "until it changes" or "until she comes around" again, finally realizing that these were the traps that led to me ignoring the red flags with my Ex. Painful. But necessary. I really feel bad for my son. Don't know how I'm going to deal with that yet...
Truthfully, the other areas in my life are great. Work is excellent - far less stress and politics than before, I'm nearly back to my D diet level of fitness, but via lifting, running and better diet. I plan to run a 15k coming up in late March. Coaching another group of 3rd graders in basketball - S9 scored 10 pts in a game today.
Anyway, as I said - a mixture. Look me up on FB if you can.
I'll write to you later on FB since you found me. In the area that isn't viewable to everyone. What you wrote doesn't come as a shock since I saw your FB (notable absence of any girl on your arm). I'm glad life is otherwise treating you well.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
