Satin you know where I lie Gently I go into that good night
All our lives get complicated Search for pleasures overrated Never armed our souls For what the future would hold We were innocent
Angels lend me your might Forfeit all my lives to get just one right
All those colors long since faded All our smiles all confiscated Never were we told We'd be bought and sold We were innocent
Yeah this prayer is for me tonight This far down that line and still ain't got it right
And while confessions not yet stated Our next sin is contemplated Never did we know What the future would hold Or that we'd be bought and sold No we were innocent
Fuel - Innocent
I know this feeling all too well. I have felt it before when I lost all hope for my marriage once before. When the rejection of my affection got to the point where I withdrew from her to protect my own feelings, I also started feeling like I needed something to numb my pain. Worse was the feeling of having to do something - anything - to feel again rather than to just have that awful numbness.
I'm trying very hard not to do those things again. Maybe that's the difference this time around, more control and seeing things as they really are.
I'm still waiting for a reply from her about my "Love Letter" to her. I did ask her Saturday if the things that I write to her and say to her mean anything at all. She did say "yes they do have meaning for me". She was still sick and was not up to talking about it at length because of her scratchy throat. I asked that she tell me what she was thinking when she was up to it again. I will wait for a reply...
Here are links to all of my threads that I have posted here. The list has gotten so long they won't all fit into my signature file any longer:
I may have heard my reply this morning. As she was waiting for D to get ready before they both went to the Dr. (they are both sick now), she said this:
"I'm sorry I am so boring to you."
When I asked if she meant while she has been sick, she just clammed up. I think this was her reply to the "love letter"?!?! I may try to ask her what she meant again later but I am taking this as:
"Sorry I can't/won't do anything to change the way that I am now."
If this is true, it is a breakthrough of sorts... just not in the direction I have been hoping for.
I will try to continue this conversation with her later so I won't be guessing at what she is trying to tell me.
“Suppose you could find a simple way to embrace your life with joy, stop arguing with reality, and achieve serenity in the midst of chaos. That is what Loving What Is offers. It is no less than a revolutionary way to live your life. The question is: are we brave enough to accept it?” Erica Jong author, Fear of Flying
Loving what is.... a book , one of many , by Byron Katie
Please check this out. The Work ~ Byron Katie It may or may not even awaken anything in you. Byron Katie
(((((((DQ)))))))) darling HOW are you? I am still hot.... LMAO~
JK..
I think of you often .. have you heard of Byron Katie ?, I think she would be right up your alley. You know our whole Mother Earth Zen, stuff? Take a look..... Take care... Ava
((( Ava ))) - I took a look. The trouble is my reality is that I want to shower her with affection. Her reality is that it annoys her for me (or anyone) to do that. I wish the answer was for me to just accept that this is the way she is. The trouble is I can't change my wanting give her affection.
((( Jayce ))) - I saw your post. I will keep trying to find out the why. I'm not sure if she even knows. She starts work tomorrow so she has that on her mind now instead. Her job I'm afraid is not a positive thing after all, she has said she's about to start her "prison term" again. It's taking her away from doing whatever she pleases all day long.... Rats!
I've not been posting here very much recently, but I've just read your last few posts.
"Her job I'm afraid is not a positive thing after all, she has said she's about to start her "prison term" again. It's taking her away from doing whatever she pleases all day long.... Rats!"
This tells me two things:
(1) Your wife has a rather "entitled" attitude to life. She seems to think its your job to financially support her so she doesn't have to go out to work - ever. And she regards any paid work as a "prison term". Your wife obviously feels its everyone else's task to make her life interesting and fulfilling. But life simply doesn't work that way - hence her "I'm sorry you find me boring" remark - that remark was both a recognition that she is boring, but also I suspect an expectation that you should feel sorry for her.
(2) Your whole approach towards whether an interaction in your marriage is positive or negative seems to come down to whether or not it is likely to lead to her having sex with you: "Her job I'm afraid is not a positive thing after all...Rats!" Can you see how screwy your marriage has become? On my reading of the situation it can only be a good thing she's got a job after all these years - irrespective of her "mood", irrespective of sex - I really do not think you see Cinco (because you're right in it) how unhealthy this dynamic is. It is classic Nice Guy stuff.
Another thing I wanted to point out was that your "love letter" ended with a postscript telling her what her emotional reaction should be - you even told her the words you wanted to hear! Does that really sound healthy to you?
I can well understand you feeling frustrated and on the verge of quitting this marriage, and you may be right, because your wife's attitude leaves a lot to be desired. But I really do think you should look at the no more mr nice guy site in any event.
If you are constantly looking at sex as a way of filling up the loneliness and emptiness and of calming anxiety and fear (I'm not being sarcastic - all men feel this at times), rather than because you feel centred and full of positive energy to give, then you will likely repeat the mistakes you've made with your wife (i.e. constantly soothing and protecting and shielding her lest you spoil her mood for sex) in another relationship. Check out some of the threads on the no more mr nice guy site - they will really open your eyes.
Sorry you're having a difficult time.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
