These are not "demands," they are boundaries of personal integrity. Communicated correctly, AZ should be telling her "I cannot demand ANYTHING of you; all I can do is tell you what kind of marriage I am willing to live in, and these are what I need to feel emotionally safe at this point, considering the damage that's been done."
For my situation, I think the best way we can rebuild trust is to set the boundaries of what is not acceptable regarding members of the opposite sex. And then for me to take him at his word that he will not violate my trust again.
This approach, while understandable, is unworkable because it fails to include the premise that "all cheaters lie." You have FWAWs on this very thread telling you that they did.
It's a fact.
This doesn't make them untrustworthy people; just untrustworthy at this point in time. The trust has to be re-earned, and full transparency is the way to earn it.
In my sitch TIME has been the biggest thing in rebuilding trust.......and my H's patience,
I could tell that his attitude just changed completely. He read books about infidelity describing what it was like for the betrayed spouse and he really took those feelings on board. He has been reassuring when I have been nagging and doubting. There has been 100% transparency. I have just been able to tell that he really wants this to work. When he forgets to tell me something that then sends me into a spin he changes the situation as soon as he can and puts my mind at rest. I can say that he has not once not been able to 'prove' his innocence.
We talk about the M all the time and check in with one another to make sure we are happy. We know we are over stepping the boundary with someone of the opposite sex if we find we are saying something we wouldn't want our S to over hear.
But even with all of that.....it takes time......and eventually a bit of faith and being willing to put your heart out on the line there again. You will never recapture the original innocence of your M - that's gone....but in return you will have grown and learned from what happened.
Good luck. It is worth the journey.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree that I would rather get the full truths of the matter now rather than years down the line.
She is NOT open with me, at least, not the way she used to be. If I dont ask, she wont tell. And if I do ask, she is very vague in her replies. I have to dig and pry (which I hate having to do) and obviously, she isnt too receptive to that either.
And she is living out of the house so I dont see her as much as I would like. Yes, we are freely talking about her moving back home...but even then, I am struggling to regain the peace of mind I had in the past.
Yes, she could circumvent every attempt I make to contact the OM. She will NOT be honest about her feelings for him with me. Only says 'just friends' well I have a lot of female friends and we behave differently.
Yes, my requests do seem petty and childish. But she seems to understand where I am coming from and is being cooperative because she doesnt want this hanging over her head forever. The sooner I can get through this and trust her fully again - the better we both will be.
She has easily dropped the other guys she was flirting with. But the EA/PA OM? No clue. No faith in anything she has to say to me about him.
I have a LONG way to go in regards to the OM. I have his contact info and its all I can do not to use it.
I have made so many improvements for myself, but when I think of the OM I am filled with a level of hatred I have never felt and it makes me realize how imperfect I am.
I confronted OM in the past, and did so with dignity and respect. I acknowledged problems in my marriage, reitterated love for my W and asked him to honor and respect my family until (if/when) divorce was finalized. Well he obviously ignored my request and that broke a massive 'man code' as far as I am concerned. Now I will not take higher ground if this man is unfortunate enough to cross my path. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate this person and I am fearful of the things I could be capable of.
Last edited by EnergyAZ; 01/22/0909:47 PM.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
I believe that if something did happen and even if it didn't then she should be the one remorseful and try and win back that trust and love. When a cheater or may have cheated doesn't do the things to make it better then what do we have to build our trust again. I don't think its a question as much as it's up to them. Making someone feel better about trusting your spouse then it starts with the cheater or may have cheated. We need that extra security at a time when we are vulnerable to our thoughts.