Exposing at EA

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This is why if you expose, you should expose to everyone SIMULTANEOUSLY. Otherwise they try to spin it before you tell the next person.

Your SIL is going to support her sister -- "blood is thicker than water" is so true. Just tell them "I decided I was no longer willing to lie to cover up (wife's) affair. If you all don't want to deal with the truth, that's up to you, but I'm tired of lying an enabling her infidelity. I love her, and want very badly to work on our marriage, but this is just blatant disrespect, and I have to protect myself."

Or some such.

She WOULDN'T have been honest, with any of them. ALL CHEATERS LIE.

Period.

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

Puppy, I have to ask you this. I know you know most of my stitch. At this point, H has an OW living with him who he says he's not sleeping with. Me, C, and inlaws agree. However, there is some impropriety there as he took her home for Christmas at his parents. His parents don't like her at all and want him to work it out with me. He is USAF and it is flatly against USAF policy for two USAF members to be living with each other and married to two other people. I don't want to make trouble for H. Don't want him to lose his career over it, but not sure how much longer I can put up with him giving this girl a home. I'm not sure what/how to do expose or whether to let it go, since I had my own A. Not that he is entitled to one, but if I expose, he is going to blame me to the end, even though he is the one that made the choice. I know what you are going to say. I hate that, because I am scared to death it will drive him away forever. But his failure to realize what he is doing is killing me. So do I call the IG and file a formal complaint that will harm him careerwise, or, do I just call the 1st shirt who knows and approved this behavior and threaten to report her (the shirt) to IG. Then she has to do something about it.

Sorry to hijack, Still. I have told him how I feel about her over and over again, but he still chooses her over the M. He says he wants a D, but doesn't want to rush into a D. Or, I could tell him that if he doesn't get her out, I will call IG. At least then he has a chance, but he will be mad at me. At least he will probably respect me though. Maybe. I dunno.

Advice? Feel free to respond, Still, if you want, too.
God, I hate what I did, and what I have created.

Melissa

[Still Waters]

I just have one question and I'll let Puppy address everything else in regards to exposing. Why do you believe that he's not sleeping with her? As a guy, I find that really, really, really hard to believe. How long has he been living with her?

[EnoughAlready]

Melissa,

Has it crossed your mind that maybe he's not rushing into D because he would get less, pay-wise? Not sure if you're aware, but married military members get higher BAH (basic allowance for housing), etc., if they have dependents. (I should know, I'm retired AF).

[Mellenmack]

Still & Help,

Don't want to hijacks Still's thread!! I don't because he says he's not. I don't think he would hurt me the way I hurt him. Also, if he had, I think he would take great joy in throwing it in my face. Don't know. NHT, I know he would get less BAH. Don't think that has anything to do with it, but I guess it might. Never thought of it. How long does it really take to decide if you want a marriage to work or not and take steps toward that or is he and I am too blind to see it?

Still, I feel like I am surprised at your want to reveal everything to her whole family. But I don't know why. I have been talking to inlaws about H and OW, so why wouldn't you want to reveal your W's OM to them. Hmm. Something for me to ponder. In my stitch, H was upfront with them about OW. He maintains even to them that nothing is going on and even they tell me that nothing handsy happened while they were there at Christmas, (other than H and OW sleeping in the same bed, ) There was no outward display of affection, at all. My son maintains the same, that at home they sleep in different rooms, although not sure he would know 100%.

So, why would it not be okay for you to reveal to them. It should be okay, it's just that it seems spiteful. Not by anything you have done, just the stitch in general. I don't know if it would win her back to you or not, or if it's the kiss of death. Just depends on the family I guess. Not sure. Toughie. Do you see how doing it could be the kiss of death? I see how not revealing allows her to stay living in lala land. Hmm.

Melissa

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, I have to ask you this. I know you know most of my stitch. At this point, H has an OW living with him who he says he's not sleeping with. Me, C, and inlaws agree. However, there is some impropriety there as he took her home for Christmas at his parents. His parents don't like her at all and want him to work it out with me. He is USAF and it is flatly against USAF policy for two USAF members to be living with each other and married to two other people. I don't want to make trouble for H. Don't want him to lose his career over it, but not sure how much longer I can put up with him giving this girl a home. I'm not sure what/how to do expose or whether to let it go, since I had my own A. Not that he is entitled to one, but if I expose, he is going to blame me to the end, even though he is the one that made the choice. I know what you are going to say. I hate that, because I am scared to death it will drive him away forever. But his failure to realize what he is doing is killing me. So do I call the IG and file a formal complaint that will harm him careerwise, or, do I just call the 1st shirt who knows and approved this behavior and threaten to report her (the shirt) to IG. Then she has to do something about it.

Sorry to hijack, Still. I have told him how I feel about her over and over again, but he still chooses her over the M. He says he wants a D, but doesn't want to rush into a D. Or, I could tell him that if he doesn't get her out, I will call IG. At least then he has a chance, but he will be mad at me. At least he will probably respect me though. Maybe. I dunno.

Advice? Feel free to respond, Still, if you want, too.
God, I hate what I did, and what I have created.

Melissa

Melissa,

There's no way I can answer that for you. Exposure is a personal decision, and there are reasonable people who disagree both ways. It definitely speeds things up in most cases (not all), but it also greatly adds to the damage that then has to be repaired.

WHY would you be doing it?

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just have one question and I'll let Puppy address everything else in regards to exposing. Why do you believe that he's not sleeping with her? As a guy, I find that really, really, really hard to believe.

So do I.

Generally, you can divide men's "platonic" friendships with women into two groups:

1) He's having sex with her.

2) He's HOPING to have sex with her.

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

The reason I would be doing it is to get her out so that he could not focus on her. Which is selfish of ME. He maintains they are not sleeping together and I am okay with that except they did sleep in the same bed at Christmas. I still believe him (cause I'm stupid, I know.) I think because my reasons for doing it are selfish, it is the wrong thing to do and I shouldn't do it. But DANG. If I do nothing, I am hurt. If I do something, HE is hurt. But it is his choice. He could always choose to get rid of her. I worry about him not being motivated to make amends with me until July when she leaves. Then showing up all of a sudden and saying "Hey, baby, let's work this out." Maybe I should just not worry about it til it happens. Not sure I will be wanting him back if he lets her stay there the whole time HE wants her there, and just expects me to deal with it.

Okay, Still, I'm taking my tiki torch and going home, back to my own thread! Will keep checking on you!

Melissa

[Still Waters]

Melissa,

I reached the point in my stitch where I had to drop the rope and back off completely from my W. Her refusal to promise to not see other men and her refusal to be completely transparent with her OM and to come back and at least try to work on our marriage left me no choice but to detach.

But to do that, I needed to know that her family would be there to support her. Unlike your H, my W has been in total denial about her A and hasn't told a single soul (except for me after I confronted). She didn't tell her friends, family, coworkers, or even her former therapist. She's also an emotional wreck, so much so that I was scared for her mental and physical well-being. The last two times I saw her she broke down sobbing (pulling her hair, shaking, digger her fingers into her arms, that kind of terrible stuff).

So I was worried about her. And as long as I knew that no one was there to support her, I couldn't truly back off. I loved her too much to leave to go through hell alone, so I couldn't back off. Did she leave me to go through hell alone after she dropped the bomb? Sure. But that doesn't mean I want to return the favor.

I knew that her family would still love and support her no matter what. They would have harsh words for her, no doubt. But they wouldn't abandon her. They understand that she is in a dangerous state, filled with so much shame, pain, guilt, and self-hatred, and that what she needed now was help.

That's why I exposed to her family. And today, a day after they confronted her, I feel a lot better, even though I don't know how she responded to them. I feel like I can finally drop the rope and focus on myself. I couldn't do that when I thought that my W was suffering alone, on a slow path to some kind of breakdown. She may still be headed for that, but I believe that her family will keep her safe. They are a good family, and they take care of each other in times of crisis.

So really I ultimately didn't expose to help save my marriage. I exposed to help save my W from herself. And in the process I think I also saved myself from months of the hopeless tug of war with my W, which was only making things worse.

[ECJay]

SW,

I've been following your story with interest, especially since it very closely mirrors my own (about the same age, same circumstances, no kids, etc.) My main question: how do you still have the strength to keep fighting? I love my wife more than anything, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. But every day that she is in the EA and not showing any willingness to make things right is another day where I experience pain that I don't deserve. Every time I bring myself to the brink of filing for D and moving out, she starts to wonder if she is making a huge mistake or not (the answer is yes). Each time this happens, I have taken the bait, hoping again that there is some path to reconciliation.

Unfortunately, I think I've reached the point where even if things magically turned around (which is an incredibly tall order), I'm not sure I even WANT this anymore. After this kind of betrayal, why should I even want to be with this person anymore? How can I trust her? Things were great, and things could have been great in the future, but she was willing to throw that away. I deserve more than that, even though it's a path I never wanted to take.

I'm going off topic a bit, but I guess my main point is that I'm curious why you are still fighting. Every day, I go back and forth between fighting through it and giving up... today was a giving up day, and in a sense, it was a relieving feeling.

-Jay