I've been on the board for a few years. Like some of you I started off in the MLC forum.
My W dropped the IDLY bomb a while ago. She didn't say ILY but I'm not in L with you line. I did my best to DB and at times it worked. My W likes to go out with her co-workers after she gets out. At first this was okay, until she went out more and more. Tonight, I don't expect her to be home until after 2AM. Tomorrow she doesn't have to work, but she will go out and I don't expect her to come home until 2AM. If I ask her to make plans with me, she responds with I don't know. If someone else asks her to go out she right there with them.
Last night she went out with her SIL. It was still early and I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink. She didn't feel like it and I didn't push it any further. Even though she's financially in debt she's planning on going on a cruise this summer. The last time she went on a cruise she dropped the bomb. I'm invited, but the person who's planning the trip wants us to be in seperate cabins. We were invited to be baby sitters for her kids that are to young to have their own cabin. Not a good opportunity for piecing IMHO.
I gave my W a choice, she goes on the cruise I'll divorce her, unless our R is doing a lot better.
Our current sitch doesn't have much to report. She hugs me when she goes to work. If I go to hug her, she will hug back. We have not ML or kissed in over five years. We sleep in the same bed and she'll let me hold her hand. She goes out when she feels like it and its not uncommon for her to go away with her GFs for a long weekend. She doesn't ask if she can go out, unless it's on my bowling night. Then she will ask me to watch D10 while she goes out. Yesterday, she went out and I watched our D. D was fresh and annoyed the other bowlers. I told my W today that if she wants to go out on my bowling nights that she better get herself a baby sitter.
I don't know if I belong here. My W hasn't come out and said she wants to work on the M.
I know I said a lot of stuff to my W today. Either she's still in MLC or unwilling to work on our M. Anyways, I called her at work and left a simple message on her cell phone. Hi W it's me fixer, I called to see how your day went. If you feel like calling give me a call if not that's okay too.
She called me after she got out of work. I asked how her day went and she went into some detail. I validated when I could and asked appropriate questions about her day. Then she told me she would be home soon and that she was going out for a beer. I didn't say anything and said goodbye in an up beat voice.
Is this how someone pieces? I wasn't sure if I should let her come home wondering how I was feeling. When she left neither of us were too happy.
Fixer, Based on what you're describing, it doesn't sound like you're Piecing the M at this point. Can you describe some positives that indicate some connection between the two of you? How are things between the two of you as compared to one month and one year ago? CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My positives are in the form of baby steps. The first step is the hugs I now receive. A year ago the hugs were rushed and cut short. Now, the hugs are longer and more personal. Last year she wouldn't let me hold her hand. Now, if I want I can hold her hand in the car and in bed. Today, she's doesn't get annoyed if I ask her who's was that on the cell phone. She will tell who it is and go about her buisness. This year my W has gone to bed the same time I have a few days in a row. A few days ago, she slept the couch.
This morning I told her I was serious about getting a D if things didn't get better. I reminded her that the summer wasn't far away and asked if she had a plan. She said no. I suggest that she go back to the old MC, even though he wasn't much help he knows what she's like. She said she didn't know. Then I asked her if she wanted to work on our M. She said yes. I suggested that she start kissing me on the cheek. This is my W's second M and her XH would interpret any affection from her as an invitation for s$x. I told her a kiss would show that I don't want to jump her bones, but a sign that you care about me.
If you have more question, feel free to fire away.
I really feel for your situation. It has a lot of similarities to where my wife and I were at for the past several years. (Except I was too dense to really try and regain my wife's affections until just recently.) I'm not sure I'd say you're "piecing." I'm not sure this is the best place for you to get advice. To me, it sounds like your wife is well on the way to becoming a walk-away-wife (WAW). There is a DB forum for that situation. However, it's not getting a lot of traffic right now. Some of the major contributors have drifted away recently. I'll do some thinking about your situation and get back to you with more. I have to go right now.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
She was a WAW and I was/am a LBS. I've been on the MLC board for a few years. Someone hinted that I maybe piecing, so I decided to come here and see if I'm there.
I think my W's journey might be coming to an end. I want to be ready if this is true to start the piecing phase on the right foot.
If I read it correctly, piecing usually starts with a big fight. During the fight, the past is brought up. We had a good fight and my W did bring up the past. A symptom of my W's MLC phase was she didn't care about anything. It didn't matter what I did or say; I was just a ghost to her. So bringing up the past is a baby step in the right direction.
My W has been in MLC for a while. MLC sucks and working on a M is not an easy accomplishment. If we didn't have a D then I would have left her a long time ago.
Restoring a marriage with a MLC/WAW is a long, difficult process. It sounds like you are already well aware of this and are working to restore what you can.
The key part here is to understand what problems YOU brought to the marriage. Were you doing anything that contributed to the W drifting away? This is crucial because you can work on yourself. You can makes changes so that the marriage can be more satisfying for both you and your W.
However, if the answer in restoring a marriage is solely in correcting the other spouse's behavior ... well, you don't have much control over that. So, from my point of view, you're at a crucial step in which you need to come to some understanding of the role you played in your wife going through a MLC (or becoming a WAW).
Are you responsible in any way? If so, that's what you work on changing so that your wife can see you as an attractive mate again.
However, I don't feel like I know enough about your situation to really give you good advice. You've posted lots of messages, though. Is your story out there somewhere? If so, please point me to it.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
