Does sex help or hurt during an affair?

[pearlharbr]

I'm posting in Newcomers, but thought this question would be best answered on this forum.

Quick recap: BF of 8+ years tells me he's not happy. Two main problems are incompatible sex drives and lack of common interests. About a month after first bomb I confirm my suspicion that he's having (at least) EA.

Here's what I'm struggling with at the moment. I am/was a LDS and always put him off. We had sex about once a week, but sometimes went longer without, no more than 3-4 weeks. Once he dropped the first bomb I did everything I could to fix this situation. I got SSM, went to the doctor, went off BC pills. Now I feel my testosterone levels rising; I have had sex on the brain for the past few days.

Here's the dilemma: do I put sex on the table because doing so would be a 180 or do I just keep going status quo because he's still actively involved with OW? I think we could reconnect on some level through sex. And I really want it for the first time in years. But is that letting him cake-eat on a much higher level? I have stated in the past that I don't believe in sharing, but that's exactly what I would be doing. BTW, he still says A is only EA, but I know I shouldn't believe anything he says.

I also know that if I put sex on the table he may use the opportunity to say no as retribution for all the years I shut him down. But if I want him to see all that he will be giving up if we split he has to know that sex is part of that package. I know he was still attracted to me when all this started, he said it hurt to want me so badly and know that I wasn't interested in sex. But now that OW is in the picture I don't know how he feels about me.

Any input is much appreciated.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think that is an intensely personal decision, Pearl, and one that each LBS has to make for themselves. Personally, I could never do it, but I do know those that have, and to good results.

If you DO, then I would implore you to use protection. STDs among paramours runs way above the average population as a whole.

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Protection is a must Puppy. That won't be an issue.

[Snow White]

I was one of the LBS that did continue to have sex because it was the one time I still felt a connection. Also, my H continually lied about what he was doing.

I have to say it would depend on your emotions becuase at the time, I thought - I am having sex for me, because I like it.

But everytime some new piece of information surfaced I felt used and pathetic. Looking back now I see it as very degrading and would do things differently if I had the choice the second time around.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Does anyone remember who posted on this subject recently? It was posted by a female, and was a thorough, PHENOMENAL post with all the pro's and con's and stuff. I want to say it was one of the FWAW/AWAWs???

Puppy

[newgal]

My big problem would be, I don't think I could do it with no strings attached, I think my heart would get too tied up in it and I think I would end up feeling worse afterwards because of his relationship with OW. If you strongly suspect a PA with OW, then it probably is a bad idea.

But I do see your dilemma because sex was an issue in your relationship before so I can see how you want to show your H that you are willing to work on that aspect. And I am not sure what other way you can show him you are willing to work on it. SAYING you would be willing to do it more is not going to convince him, he will think you are just trying to get him back.

This is kind of out there and would love to know what other people think, but what about sending sexually provocative messages/phone pics, etc. And see what kind of response you get, kind of work towards possibly having a sexual relationship with H again, but not necessarily doing it yet. Kind of let him know you are interested in it. But somehow lay down the law that as long as OW is around, he's not getting it?

Does this make sense at all? Probably not, probably a ridiculous idea. I am so bad at this relationship stuff. I wish you luck.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I thought it was a pretty good idea!

[mdoodles]

i am in the same situation. sex was a problem for us in the past, so i am very happy to do it when the opportunity exists. and it exists often. for a while i was not sure the status of the ow, now i am 99.9% sure she is still in the picture. i tell myself that i dont want to have relations until she is out of the picture, however i do find that it keeps our connection going and improving. i have decided to do as i feel each time the opportunity is presented. so like yesterday, i decided in the moment that i really did want to. for me, i think i will continue to ml with my husband. sometimes i see it as, he is my husband, i am not doing anything wrong if i choose to ml to my husband.

[whateverittakes]

Pearl Harbour - I think you may be on to something but I agree with others that it has to be approached cautiously. I would hate to see you hurt more.

What about starting with some flirtation and gentle brushing by him touching, followed by sexy text messaging? If he initiates you will at least have the comfort and confidence to know that he wants it with you. Although it may end up being sex without a strong emotional connection.

Have you read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage" - the real gist of the book is about differentiation, but he talks about it alot through the lens of sex. For example, I didn't know how important having "open eyes" sex is to ensuring an emotional connection between the partners (meaning ensuring that you and partner are making good eye contact).

And yes, frequency of sex was a problem in my m in the last few years although I now know what some of the reason was... long-term EA on my h's part. Don't blame yourself for all of it... it really does take two (except when you're by yourself!)

[pearlharbr]

Thanks everyone for your advice and perspectives.

Puppy, you know I wouldn't be making it through this without you. Even if I don't always take your advice, know that I am always taking it in serious consideration.

Snow White, this is what I fear. I don't want to end up feeling used. I'm not sure I can keep feelings out of it, hence the struggle.

newgal, sexy txt msgs sounds like a good idea. Not sure where to start since I haven't done that in years. We used to send flirty emails, don't know when/why they stopped.
mdoodles, thanks for your perspective. BF keeps saying it is not PA with OW, and if that is the case, I don't want him to start that. It's good to see that other people are in the same situation.

WIT, thanks for the ideas and book suggestion. Will head to the library today to pick up Passionate Marriage and Surviving an Affair. I have Not Just Friends but found it too painful when I started reading it. That was a while ago so I'll have to give it another try. I know that we both contributed to our problems, but I do feel that the sex issues were mostly my fault. BF did bring it up once several years ago and I blew him off, basically telling him take it or leave it. He sucked it up and never mentioned it again until dropping the bomb. Of course now that I know how much it hurt him and how serious a problem it is I want to do what I can to show him I understand, he's right to be unhappy and I am willing and ready to change.