Wow, I just finished reading all the posts from the nice folks who follow your sitch. Quite honestly, my head is spinning. My little brain can not absorb all this. I could just imagine how you are feeling. I think you mentionned your husband is picking up the kids today. Shut the computer...get out of the house....call some friends....go have some fun....you need to change your "thoughts" for a while. You need to somehow find a little bit of inner peace somewhere...soon....too bad you don't golf...at least you could escape for 4 - 5 hrs. You will come back to your apt. and the same question will remain. The only question at this point is ...... Is the life you had before the bomb enough for you today Maria? It seems to me that that is what your husband had and has to offer....
Going thru all the excellent, thoughtful posts sent by the many people that care & want to see a happy, fulfilled Maria, it looks like there's something in all of them.
Putting it all together on how you want to progress would probably be made easier by stepping back as some have suggested, and allowing a little break for yourself.
Since I see similarities in my H as far as withholding behavior, is there a possibility that he has not quite broken everything off with the OW. That would explain his unwillingness to really & fully jump in. Of course, it could just be the way he operates, as you say, & maybe has nothing to do with it.
I do go with Rob in betting that putting the M aside & finding peace with yourself will bring clarity & it will all fall into place.
As silly as it sounds.. if you really want to test my "theory".. then Kalni needs to push for the D. Smiling the whole time. The issue will become.. she can't technically do that. He has to agree. He will stall it for sure. He has already done it.. I expect.. he will do it again.
Agreed, except that I believe she has to be prepared to follow through. Idol threats have not worked with him any more than 3-4 days.
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If I take you up in a plane.. strap a parachute on you.. fly to 40,000 feet.. open the door.. and tell you.. you might make this jump.. you might not. Is "fear" gonna be bad.. or good? I am not gonna push you out.. you have to decide to jump. I am gonna wait on you to decide..
I would switch parachutes with you and then jump out right after you. Fear in this situation is not helping. Yes, in other things it can help, I just don't think it helps Maria. It holds her back from doing things she knows she needs to do...IMO.....
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Trust me.. I am gonna fight for this one tooth and nail. Don't let my "fight" distract you.
Come on now Forrest, you know me better than that by now.... and I am not confused by you, actually the more I think about things the more we seem to be heading in the same direction.
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If I had my druthers Maria would make some changes and step up to show him.. he can be what she needs.
I think Maria has laid her self out there several times only to be let down time and time again. IMO, it is time for HIM to step up. Willing and able needs to see some of his ready because he has not backed up his words with his actions at all. I for one think she has stepped up quite well.
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"Keep your level head about the reality of your situation- by all means listen to other views - but they know nothing (really!) about how it plays out in the real world! - your world!"
Hi all, yes Sunny, the message is clear, step back. Problem: step back how? Contact is minimum, no calls, time together, no big plans, no MC, no fights/discussions. I did sent letters. No reply. I am not writing again. How do you step back when you are already "not there", not together. Me step back as far as thoughts are concerened? Yes, that is what I am trying to do. Not very successfully.
John, he didnt take the kids. He slept in, called and said was coming over around 14:00. I had not cooked lunch, I thought they were having lunch together, my son said his father told him on the phone they would be. I told him that, he said "well...you want to go out for lunch?". We did. Went a little shopping afterwards, for him. I went in and tried a nice coat, I had no money with me (not that I have any anyways) and asked the salesperson to keep it for me until Tuesday, she said they dont do that on sales period. He gave her his card and said "we are buying it now". I objected (I dont recall ever him buying something together, I always pay for my things), he was not to be convinced. He bought it for me. On the way out I told him I am paying him back. He made a comment like "no way you are". (it's a nice/expensive coat, I would probably wouldnt have bought it anyway). I will pay him back. But I did thank him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "this is for what you did for me, making sure I wouldnt miss the coat". He was caught by surprise.
We came back, no talks, nnothing. I got frustrated and went grocerries shopping. He sat on the couch and left early to go babysit for his sister (choices). He said he is coming early tomorrow. I have people over. For lunch.
I was planning to tell him that we dont have much time. I dont know if it will be possible. I have set a deadline in my head. On his way out, he hugged me tight and kissed me on my neck and cheeks. He hasnt done that for at least before I trip I think.
So, the questions are all still there. Dont know what's gonna happen. I will just try to take a break as you all advised me.
Sorry if I cant answer to you all separately. xxx K
whateveritakes, (sp?) welcome! All thoughts welcome.
FG, you do sound more motivated than my H to save my M. (a lady friend told me that when I said what advice I am getting here)Thanks - I forgive you. LOL
Sunny, OW? Maybe. Maybe grieving over the lust and desire gone? Who knows? I certainly dont. I have thought about it. But his behaviour is typical H.
Michelle, when I pull back like I am now, he doesnt follow. Maybe for a couple of days as Ian says. And I agree with him that next time I say we are done, it has to be it. Acts of service, difficult to implement that when my love tank is empty and I see him maybe 10 hous a week. I did do that during our trip, you know what happened.
Mish, he wont cripple (more) me this time. That is a promise.
Rob, my issues? IC, etc etc. Right now if I do more on me, it will take me farther away from him. It's a sad observation, but true.
GFI, lodo, settling and compromise. I've said before what I need. I suspect I am not much different than anyone else on here. I need a partner in life, compliments, time, love, sex, admiration, common "language", warmth, be his #1 priority etc etc. I dont want all these ALL the time. I am not greedy. It's not like I am expecting him to give me ALL like a spoiled...Princess. And progress would be easy to be achieved now, there isnt a way down when you are at zero. Today even I would call progress. Left me upset again by leaving but I will not overlook the kisses/hug and the coat gesture. Is it enough? By all means NO!!!
If I had my druthers Maria would make some changes and step up to show him.. he can be what she needs.
I think Maria has laid her self out there several times only to be let down time and time again. IMO, it is time for HIM to step up. Willing and able needs to see some of his ready because he has not backed up his words with his actions at all. I for one think she has stepped up quite well.
If I have a saying here, I agree with Ian. At least, that is how I feel. And everytime is much more intense that the previous one. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, now pride jumps in to make things worse... xxx K
I think the coat and the kisses are a very good thing, K. I know it isn't what you are looking for but as you said, it is something. He is starting to do something....Too bad he had to go babysit.
And I had to laugh when you said 'if you had a saying' in what Ian said. This IS your thread silly, of course you have a say in it!
If I have a saying here, I agree with Ian. At least, that is how I feel. And everytime is much more intense that the previous one. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, now pride jumps in to make things worse...
Ian and Bbj, I was being... a smarta$$, I know it's what I say/feel that matters.
We had an interesting day today. Anger showed up and I got bitter and made comments of no real use to him in front of our friends. At one point, he asked me politely to just stop. I did. I thought I was done with anger but a whole new "thing" has started. I realised I am angry he is trying to pretend a whole year never happened, we dont need to talk about it, he doenst feel the need to say sorry, hold me in his arms and say "I know this has been hard, I am sorry, I had to do it".
I know, I know, before you start shooting, I know I will probably never get that, even if things go well, but guess what? I need it.
Being with people we have been together before so many times, hearing them making plans about their life, thinking there was not violent break in their lives' common story, got me really mad.
I hope he realises that unless there is somekind of "katharsis'" discussion, actions etc I will not be able to be peacefull inside. I was OK before, thinking this is what he wants, but now I get these thoughts, "how do I get over this alone, who will give me reassurance, who will help me understand, why did all this happen if you dont do it?" It's like all this happened for nothing. Just for him to.. rest. It feels like he is tryingto convince me all this never happened. What about me? What happens with my scars? He -again- has nothing to do with them? K
Frankly K, he has nothing to do with the scars. He caused them with his actions but he can't have anything to do with healing them. You have to heal them on your own. You know that your H is not responsible for your happiness just like you are not responsible for his.
Get back to no expectations. I know that you think you don't have any but really you do. Somewhere in your subconcious your mind is playing a dangerous game with you. 'If he would only say/do this then I would feel this'. That comes through in your posts. Let it go, it's not going to happen. He isn't emotionally mature enough to listen to what you have told him you need. He doesn't even know what he needs to feel happy so how do you expect him to be able to do anything to help you feel your happiness?
See, vicious cycle.
Be you, the happy, sunshiney you. Let go of the bitterness of not getting answers. Let go of all of it. You will be just fine with or without him. You know that you can't have him in your life the way he is because he isn't supportive or loving. You need that and he can't give it. Push away, respect him as the father of your children, but learn to do everything on your own. I do mean EVERYTHING. It will build your character and self-esteem to new heights and you will finally get back to your joy.
I know this has rambled on and on. Sorry. Trying to pour my thoughts for you out without overthinking.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
