That looks funny. But I'm so proud of myself for finally figuring it out.
Haven't posted much. On Monday, I called the apartment to talk to S14 and D11. Called about 5pm. I ended up speaking to D7, who was home already. I guess the wife either got off early or she was off for the day. Remember, I saw her car after she had left off S14 at school and seemed to be heading back to her apartment. Don't know and didn't ask. All D7 said was that she was home early. D7 that is. I did find out that not only was the apartment phone not working, S14's new phone he got from his dad for Christmas wasn't working either. S14 said that his dads phone was not working either, so he must not have paid the bill.
Already. I had gotten a little upset when he got the phone because I have him on my Sprint plan and still have over a year left on the contract. I guess I'll give the phone to D11. She had the wifes old phone, which I still have on my plan, but she broke the phone. I just haven't switched it to one of the older phones I have here. I wasn't wanting to extend the contract again. Luckily, S14 still had the phone and I was joking with him about his dad not paying the bill.
And oh yeah, the wifes cell isn't working either and may not be until next week. Thats what S14 told me and we joked about that too.
After I spoke to them, I went out to grab some dinner unexpectedly. Got home in time to watch the second half of my Longhorns. HOOK 'EM HORNS, BABY! A hell of a game.
Tuesday, driving home, the wife calls me. I had just spoken to the kids when she called. It was about 10 till 6pm. She asked where I was and I told her I was heading home. Then she asked if I could pick up D7 because she still had a little bit to be at work and didn't want to take a chance of being late. I told her I would and she told me thanks.
I picked up D7, who was all surprised to see me. And confused. Took her back to the apartment, said my hellos and goodbyes at the same time. I was trying to leave before the wife arrived. I had to catch D11 at the parking lot because she took her ripstick out to ride. Walking out to the parking lot, the wife arrived. We said hello. I had found out that she made lunches for the girls and that D11 didn't eat hers because her mom had put wet lettuce in the sandwich and made it all wet.
We had joked that it was like the sandwiches in the movie "Vacation" and her and I laughed. Slight small talk between us three and I told D11 goodbye and gave a big hug and kiss. Leaving, the wife tells me thank you and I just cooly wave it off and take off.
Today, I emailed the wife at work because I had forgotten that she had paid up the first month of daycare at the Y and I was going to give her my half. I emailed her that I had forgotten and asked if she would take $50 today and take the other $50 next week when I got paid and that I could take it to the apartment after work because I also found a necklace that belonged to S14. She emailed me back letting me know that I only owed $78 because of her discount and that it would only be $64 a month each after this month and that it would be okay to drop S14's stuff after I got off.
After her email, I just HAD to make a witty remark.
"Thank God. I forgot about that. Then I'll get you $39.03 today.
Okay. Just kidding. You know...you could have just said 'Okay' and I would have been giving you $100.
I'm a dork."
She emailed me back saying that she wasn't that smart and she wouldn't have done that anyway and then she joked that I could still give her the $100 if I wanted to.
This set off a series of email exchanges back and forth.
I responded that she just didn't THINK quick enough to think about taking my $100 and that she probably kicked herself after she hit send. She sent back "NO I DIDN'T. Your crazy". I told her how it's funny how I keep hearing that. Or that maybe they were just calling me a baboso.
That's Spanish for dumb ass. I had intended to leave it at that, but she sent back that I had said it, not her and added that she was just waiting for 5:30 to come around because it was so slow. Not expecting her to engage me, of course I fell into it.
I sent her back that I was waiting for it too. I added that I had made an appointment with an attorney to get his business and if she wanted me to tell him anything. This guy was one of the first people that the wife had applied for a job with last year when she was able to work again after her stroke. She didn't get the job.
She didn't remember the guy, so she sent back, "Who is that?"
I told who he was and she sent back that she just remembered who he was and that no, she didn't have anything to say, maybe Happy New Year. I sent her "As if." She got all giddy and laughing and asked what I meant. " Lol,lol, what do you mean?lol"
I sent her, "Hi Mr Flores. Thanks for meeting with me. By the way, my wife that you didn't hire last year wanted me to tell you 'Happy New Year'."
Yeah, that'll sound REAL good. lol
He'll just be another one saying, "Get outta here, baboso!" "
She sent back "LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
I cracked her up with that one and left it at that. I got off work, went to her apartment to leave off the money and my sons chain and a printer cd he needed. On the money envelope I wrote, "No, this is not for you S14. Or you D11. Or D7. Or Moe either."
I told S14 and D11 hello and goodbye and head for home. The wife hadn't gotten there with D7 yet.
Now, I know that I'm going to get it. It's like I do the same as Suga, only the opposite.
I'm not trying to contact her purposely. My initial email was legit. She kept it going, so I poured it on.
I look at it as a guerilla attack. I come out of nowhere, blast her with H4H and then duck back into the jungle.
Remember, I don't feel like I'm trying to save my marriage anymore. I'm not trying to be her bud, but I AM trying to make sure that we have a working, peaceful relationship. This year, its all about me and moving forward and doing things that just seem to be the right thing.
For me. For God. And for my babies.
I watched "Invincible" tonight. Very good movie. Follow your dream kind of movie. Very uplifting. Posting, I'm jamming to my almost forgotten "loverboy" cd. The first one, of course.
"Turn Me Loose", baby!
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Well, you say you got "sucked in", but then you say that you WANT to do this to have a working, peaceful relationship. So, I'm not sure if you want to be more than her friend, or you want to just have a friendship. You know?
The message she gets each and every time you have these nice conversations is that you are still friends and you are "ok" and even though she did what she did, you will still have that relationship with her that she needs. So, she gets her lover with someone else; and you, the person that knows her like no one else and will be there for her no matter what. AND, she knows that if anything changes on her end, you will be RIGHT THERE waiting for her. No consequences.
Unexpected dinner, huh? Let me guess....B.
So, it's a new year.....time for plans. Let's think of some:
1. Divorce wife. Stay friends and good relationship for kids. Move on. Go out with A, B, and maybe C. No more limbo.
2. Deal with W only when dealing about kids. Let wife see life without h4h and miss it. Pray for her. Get counsel from others and pray together for her. Focus on your kids and home life. Don't rescue wife anymore from her sadness, don't make her feel ok when she feels bad about her life now, etc. If she doesn't come back to the marriage, after doing this for a length of time (and don't say you have been doing this, because you haven't for more than a day), decide what you will do. Take control of your situation.
3. Remain in limbo.
Boy, I sound hard today....but, I'm just trying to help. What do you think, h4h? ARen't you glad I'm back?
Boy, I sound hard today....but, I'm just trying to help. What do you think, h4h? ARen't you glad I'm back?
I know I am!!! I've been trying to tell him this same thing for a couple of months now, only I don't say it as good as you do WDID!!
THIS, that you wrote, is spot-on, and should be plastered on the foreheads of LOTS of folks on these boards:
Quote:
The message she gets each and every time you have these nice conversations is that you are still friends and you are "ok" and even though she did what she did, you will still have that relationship with her that she needs. So, she gets her lover with someone else; and you, the person that knows her like no one else and will be there for her no matter what. AND, she knows that if anything changes on her end, you will be RIGHT THERE waiting for her. No consequences.
The problem is, MWD herself would probably agree with that approach, and I just don't think it's effective.
THIS, however, IS:
Quote:
Deal with W only when dealing about kids. Let wife see life without h4h and miss it. Pray for her. Get counsel from others and pray together for her. Focus on your kids and home life. Don't rescue wife anymore from her sadness, don't make her feel ok when she feels bad about her life now, etc. If she doesn't come back to the marriage, after doing this for a length of time (and don't say you have been doing this, because you haven't for more than a day), decide what you will do. Take control of your situation.
Hey, I think I can say that figuratively and literally.
Caught dinner with my brother on Monday, Beej.
I don't talk much about him or my sister. He's got a lot of emotional issues and blames our homelife growing up for his current problems as well as his current alcoholism.
I think he's finally ready to face his demon and I let him know that I was there for him if he needed me.
Lets see. Number one is out... at least for now.
Number three sounds like my current deal.
Number two, I keep starting and stopping, starting and stopping, right?
Question for you, beej. You said that when you felt like your H was angry or mad at you, that made you try to engage him to get back to friendly. To make yourself feel better.
Is that what should be portrayed? Or nothing at all? Like I just couldn't care less about anything. Because, thats what I try to do in person when I DO see her. Non-chalant and moving on kind of attitude. My emails may be all nice and fuzzy to her, but in person, completely different deal. I stay quiet, don't really ask her much of anything and just put my focus on the kids.
Like two different persona's. I don't think that I really email her or contact her much at all. At least it doesn't feel like it. It's been when she engages me that I give a response.
From the outside, I must really SEEM crazy.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Like I just couldn't care less about anything. Because, thats what I try to do in person when I DO see her. Non-chalant and moving on kind of attitude. My emails may be all nice and fuzzy to her, but in person, completely different deal. I stay quiet, don't really ask her much of anything and just put my focus on the kids.
Like two different persona's. I don't think that I really email her or contact her much at all. At least it doesn't feel like it. It's been when she engages me that I give a response.
From the outside, I must really SEEM crazy.
I think you're actually fairly consistent in giving your W the message that you do care about her and will always be there for her. You need to pull back and stop all the emails that aren't necessary re: bills and kids. You don't do that.
Honestly, you are so funny and sweet. I think that if you actually ever pulled back and did a good job at doing that, your W would miss you horribly and actually have to think about something other than eating cake. But if you want to keep living in limbo, go for it. Karen
[quote=hopeful4her]I think that if you actually ever pulled back and did a good job at doing that, your W would miss you horribly and actually have to think about something other than eating cake. But if you want to keep living in limbo, go for it. Karen
I think you're actually fairly consistent in giving your W the message that you do care about her and will always be there for her. You need to pull back and stop all the emails that aren't necessary re: bills and kids. You don't do that.
Honestly, you are so funny and sweet. I think that if you actually ever pulled back and did a good job at doing that, your W would miss you horribly and actually have to think about something other than eating cake. But if you want to keep living in limbo, go for it. Karen
Except for the funny & sweet part I think the same could/has been said for me and my H.
Originally Posted By: hopeful4her
Question for you, beej. You said that when you felt like your H was angry or mad at you, that made you try to engage him to get back to friendly. To make yourself feel better.
Its a textbook response by a wayward. My H does the same thing with me. Its damage control for them. They do/say/act in whatever manner they need to in order for them to basically shut you up and allow them to continue the cake eating.
Unless or until something truly changes, it will remain status quo. Its what I finally realized and am no longer willing to put up with.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Maybe it's that I feel like my marriage is over and done with and my goals concerning my wife have evolved into something else.
I have zero expectations of reconciling with her. I've gotten to where I live my life for myself and my kids.
I did come across a success story of sorts. A couple of months ago, I met a business client that came to ask questions about his accounts because he was separating from his wife. Married for about 20 years. One child a senior in high school and another in junior high. She wanted out of the marriage. He ended up moving out into an apartment and was finding it very difficult and was depressed. We spoke at length about his and my sitch. He thanked me very much for being an ear and for advice I had given him.
He came to see me yesterday. While he was still separated, she had decided that they would seek marriage counseling with a counselor that was referred by their church. I told him that that was great news and that something like that was all we could ask for. To make sure and try everything they could before calling it quits. I asked if he had heard of Retro and he said no. I printed the same packet that I had given the wife. I had it saved on my computer and he took it yesterday.
Today, he came in to finish up some business and told that his wife told him to thank me for the info.
Sounded like she had gotten a glimpse of reality of life with out him. I asked him if he thought that there might have been a third person involved and he told me that he had really thought about it and that to him, there wasn't. He kept doing things with his kids on his weekends and would invite the wife along. He would also provide extra things for her. More than what they had agreed on. She would tell him to stop, because it made her feel bad. Extra money or groceries and things like that. He let her know that he did for not other reason other than, that is who he is and that he wanted to make sure things stayed peaceful so that he could continue to see his kids with no issues.
When the WAS is involved with another person, I think that success stories, as a percentage, are next to nothing. Not that it can't happen, but nearly impossible. Especially considering the length of time that the affair lasts, much like mine has been with OM.
Okay, I'm rambling now.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
